First Person: How I Changed My Attitude and Learned to Love Again
Learning how to love again can be difficult. After having hid behind independence and self-sufficiency for such a long time, I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t just a “strong, black woman”. I was a wounded victim of my past, and I need to change my attitude and my life.
Admitting I Had a Problem
The first thing I had to do was admit that I did have a problem. I was not angry all the time nor did I “go off” on people. However, I was very headstrong, independent, and often confrontational. I was guilty. I was guilty of letting bitterness take control of my life.
I always thought of myself as an “independent woman”. I didn’t need a man to help me. I could check my own oil in the car. I could pay my own bills. I could take care of my own children. I didn’t need any help. Any man I was dating knew that I didn’t really “need” them.
Despite all this self-sufficiency, I was lonely. There were times that I would wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why I wasn’t married or why my latest relationship failed. Instead of confronting the problem, I would tell myself that the relationship just wasn’t meant to be. But, one day I realized that there was something wrong. There was something wrong with the way I looked at life.
Identify the Cause
After I discovered that I had a problem, I realized that the only way things were going to change was if I changed. I had to change my attitude. I had to change the way I dealt with the person I was in a relationship with. As I was mediating, I asked myself some serious questions:
- When did I become like this?
- Why do I respond so negatively to the man in my life?
- Why can’t I let go?
- Why can’t I fully commit to relationship?
After I did some soul-searching, I realized that a lot of my bitterness and resentment stemmed from my past relationships. I had been involved with a guy who lied to me on a regular basis. He cheated constantly, and he was emotionally abusive to me. This person belittled me whenever I asked him to help me do anything. And, he was unreliable. This person left me emotionally scarred.
I also realized that some of my hardness was the result of the relationship I had had with my father. My father had loved me, but he was also unreliable. He could not be counted on to help me or my sister financially. He was a hard-worker and made a decent income, but he was not a good provider.
As a result of these past relationships, I learned not to depend on a man. I learned that if I were to survive emotionally I would have to do it alone.
Commitment to Change
Once I realized that I was the one sabotaging my own relationships, I had to commit to change. I made a conscious decision to change the way I reacted to people and situations.
Letting Go of the Past
One of the first things I had to do was to stop focusing on the past. I had to realize that not all men were like my father or my ex-boyfriend. I had to release both my father and my ex-partner if I didn’t want to end up alone.
Choose to Forgive
My negative attitude was the result of my past. I realized that in order to live a happy life, I had to forgive. I had to forgive my father and my ex-boyfriend. I had to deal with the pain of my past. I had to stop holding your present partner accountable for things my old partner did.
Focus on the Good
I decided to stop focusing on the negative and begin to focus on the positive. First, I made a list of all the good things about myself and my relationship. I read this list out loud to myself several times a day. As I did this, I noticed change in my attitude.
Learning how to trust again was difficulty. However, I knew that if I wanted to ever have a successful relationship, I had to change my attitude. I made a conscious decision to let go of my past and learn how to love again.
