Four Ways I’d Use the Staples Easy Button

Ah…yes, the Easy Button. You’ve seen the commercials for office supply retailer Staples, where someone simply presses a large, red button to make their problems go away or get something they need or want. I like those commercials. In fact, I love them (in a totally manly way). The only thing is….where in the world is mine?

Just think about it for a second. One button to make your problems go away. One button to make your probl……….dang short term memory loss. I know what I’d do if I had one. I would rule the world!! Okay, maybe not. But a guy can dream, can’t he?

Let’s say your boss is chewing you out for something that isn’t your fault. Mid-tirade, you reach over and *click*. He suddenly says you’ve earned that raise you’ve been waiting for along with back pay, and wonders if you wouldn’t mind keeping his trophy wife company while he’s taking a month long trip to China. See how easy that was? I know, don’t thank me.

Or say you’ve been having a talk with the missus. By talk, I mean you sit there and listen to her tell you all of the things you’re not doing and how she isn’t fulfilled. *Click* Now she’s naked, feeding you cheese doodles and asking you what time the game comes on. She then promises that she won’t have a headache….ever.

You’ve got to mow the lawn. You want the yard to look nice, but it’s about a thousand degrees outside and that Scarface marathon is coming on in twenty minutes. *Click* Hey, look! Your deadbeat brother-in-law has come to bring you back that wrench he borrowed…back in ’97. He swears he’ll pay you back if you’ll only tell him what he owes. Yard is now done. Bring on the Pacino….You cockaroaches!!

Your other half is trying on a dress, outfit…something, and she asks you the question of all questions. Do I look fat? You fumble for the button but realize you left it in your other coat when you went out to walk your pet demonhound. Oh wait! No you didn’t, it’s been here all along in her pocketbook….somewhere. You rummage through the purse, throwing stuff out on the floor beside the chair you’ve been sitting in for three hours. There’s more stuff in there than you can even begin to grasp. Things are coming out of that purse like Mexicans out of a ’76 Caddy. Finally you find it and….*click*. You’re on the couch at home, watching reruns of Sanford and Son while drinking lemonade and throwing darts at a picture of your Mother-in-Law. Bullseye!

While the Easy Button is great, I can only wish for one since my boss still hates me and I have to mow the yard. As for the shopping, I just don’t go.