From Riches to Rags
Five years ago I was a single man making $40,000 per annum in the lucrative teaching trade. I lived in a luxury apartment high above Richmond Row where I got to see the odd person scrunched by a train, and I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at The Keg. Then I decided to become a full time theatre artist.
I’m not complaining, mind you. My life has become a wild and invigorating ride, punctuated by loads of freedom and cheap carnal stimuli, but still, there is that negative bank balance to consider, as well as the fact that my credit card debt has reached “first born child” proportions.
Since I now have many years of direct penury experience under my ever-slimming belt, I feel I am in a position to dispense some advice on how to squeak by and achieve your basic subsistence needs in this heartless Capitalist Hell.
Crap At Work – You might not think that toilet paper costs a lot, but every single square is worth .237 of a penny. You do the math! Besides the obvious economic benefits, this strategy will take you away from your work station for a while and straight into that most private of porcelain paradises. If your boss is dumb enough to leave shampoo and hand cream lying around, use that too!
Invent Debts – “Hey! Remember back in Grade Seven when we had that Hot Dog Day and you had to have seven hot dogs, but you didn’t have any money?” If you’re gifted at grifting, you’re suddenly walking down the street seven dollars richer and what did it cost you? Friendship and a commitment to the truth – pshaw!
Buy Dead People’s Clothes – I’m fortunate because I’m a plus-sized man and a lot of people who enjoy my dimensions have already succumbed to heart ailments, leaving me to reap the bounty of their spacious shirts and pants. Thrift stores like “Pillage Village” are the answer.
Eat Heartily On A Dollar A Day – Ever considered that “Mr. Noodles” is actually a premium, brand-name product? That’s not for you. You need those ramen noodles with the Japanese characters and no ingredients listed – five for a dollar, baby! Another good strategy is to crash art openings and, instead of looking at the art, head straight for the cheese tray. Also, you might try just showing up at friends’ houses between five and six. Be sure to wear your hangdog expression!
Become A Penny Picker – Most people have a full gallon jar of pennies sitting around somewhere, perfectly good legal tender taken permanently out of circulation. Offer to roll it all up for them in exchange for half of the jar’s worth, but then, screw them on the deal. Hey, you’re the one who got all those deadly coin germs all over you! Also, develop a habit of looking down couch cushions. I average $3 a day this way.
Seek Out Free Entertainment – Develop a fondness for the three B’s: Bird-watching, Bums, and Bar Fights. The good Lord has provided this titillating trio free for all His children! Instead of getting drunk every weekend, try blinking really hard until you get those little eyelid fireworks. Go into your local tavern just to watch their TV. Drink up as much water as they’ll let you ( maybe you’ll even score a lime wedge! ) and, when they ask you to order something, tell them you’re either a) waiting for the guy with the money b) a secret shopper or c) “just browsing.” Maybe if you tried really hard you could become an amateur meteorologist and observe and chart cloud patterns andâÂ?¦no, that’s boring.
Send Mail For Free – Check out this ruse: instead of writing down your particulars as the return address, write down the address of the person whom you want to send the letter to. When the letter is “returned to sender” for insufficient postage, it will go to the person you wanted to mail it to in the first place, and you just saved fifty cents, enough for two and a half packages of ramen noodles! One word of warning: this constitutes mail fraud and may result in a weekend of you scraping graffiti off a fence.
Poverty is going to both blow and suck, no matter how you try to sugar-coat it, but, like anything else, it can be shined up to a gleamy gloss with just a little will power and perseverance. So, don’t you think you’d score some much-needed karma points if you bought me a coffee? Maybe some chili? Got any change?
