Funeral Etiquette for Southeast Asian Religions
America is a melting pot, as they like to say, however. Whether certain political and social factions like it or not, every religion is entitled to express itself freely in this country
At least for the time being. (Knock wood.)
Funeral etiquette is a subject we usually don’t even take the time to think about. Perhaps it is because most of us still prefer to move within circles of acquaintances that express the same general spiritual feeling. Whether that circle is created because of geography or social milieu or genealogy or choice is an individual matter. Nevertheless, the fact remains that at some point we are probably going to be forced into a situation where we must face the death through the eyes of another culture or another religion or even just another denomination of our religion. I have no idea of the exact date this article will be published, but as I write it the death toll from Hurricane Katrina is steadily rising. Conventional wisdom suggests that, depending upon the area in which the service will be held, most of the funerals for these victims will take place in either a Catholic or Southern Baptist atmosphere. If you’ve ever been to either of these kinds of memorial services, you know how differently saying goodbye to loved ones can be handled and these are both part of the same religion! Herewith, an offering of some very basic and common advice on what to expect and how to handle funeral etiquette at religions whose ceremonies you may not yet have had the opportunity to participate in.
Buddhism: You may already be aware that Buddhism is quite different from the major three monotheistic religions favored by the west. Buddhists believe in the reincarnation of the spirit. The ceremony focuses on sharing, good conduct and meditation. Buddhism is not practiced the same everywhere, just like Christianity, so depending on whether the ceremony follows Japanese, western, or southeast Asian traditions the ceremony slightly vary. One thing to remember, however, is that in most traditions it is considered highly inappropriate for a non-Buddhist to engage with the bereaved before the funeral. It is, however, completely appropriate for a non-Buddhist to visit the home of the bereaved after the funeral.
The ceremony itself usually takes place at a funeral home in Japanese traditions. In the traditions of the Southeast Asian countries, there are traditionally three separate ceremonies that take place, in order, at the home of the bereaved, at a funeral home, and finally either at a temple or again at the home of the bereaved.
Attire standards can vary. If the ceremony takes place at a temple, men should expect to wear a tie; otherwise plan on casual dress. It is advisable to wear comfortable clothing in the event that you may be called upon to sit on the floor during meditation. Women should wear a skirt and blouse when the ceremony takes place at a temple, otherwise comfortably casual clothing. Casual, of course, should not be taken as synonymous with disrespectful. If you work in a company that has a casual Friday dress code, you’re probably okay with what you wear then; if you have any doubts it is advisable to inquire.
If you come from a background that naturally sends food to a bereaved family after a death, don’t give in to that tradition. Sending food to a Buddhist family in mourning is not appropriate, although sending flowers or a donation in lieu of flowers is fine.
Plan on an open casket. Buddhists consider viewing the body to be highly important. The body is just a vessel, after all, a symbol of the impermanence of one’s mortal existence. Approach the body and bow slightly as a sign of learning this lesson.
The official ceremony will involved either a minister or priest if it is in the Japanese tradition; a monk in the Southeast Asian tradition. Expect quotations from the sutras, the wisdom of the Buddha. You won’t be expected to actually do anything when taking part in the ceremony except for standing or sitting as directed.
Hindu: The idea here, again, is reincarnation. The funeral ceremony typically takes place pretty quickly after the death, usually within 24 hours. Upon hearing of the death the appropriate response is either to telephone or visiting the bereaved.
The ceremony is not formal, therefore casual attire is again okay, but wear white. Black clothing is very inappropriate. The body will be probably be at home, there really isn’t such a thing as a funeral home for Hindus. It is okay to bring flowers, which are then placed at the feet of the deceased.
What we’re talking about as far as a ceremony here is cremation. Wherever the cremation will take place is where the ceremony will take place. Upon arriving, simply offer condolences, you don’t have to worry about any kind of traditional greeting or anything like that. Remember, it’s about reincarnation so the casket will remain open and you are expect to view the body. You don’t have to bow, but above all do not make any attempt to touch the body.
A priest or senior member of the family will officiate. The ceremony will proceed without any expectations of you and the priest may even explain what exactly is going on, which is usually a reading by the priest of mantras.
If you wish you may attend the actual cremation, but it is not considered rude or inappropriate not to. There will be a last food offering made to the deceased before actual cremation.
Jewish: Jewish funerals will always take place the day after the death. If this is not the case, it is probably because of extraordinary circumstances. Jewish bereavement ceremonies is one of those in which it is acceptable to bring food to the home of the bereaved, though it’s not required. You may also telephone or just visit to extend condolences. (Just remember if you bring food, especially in an Orthodox situation, to make sure the food is kosher!) It is also appropriate to send food to the home of the bereaved after the actual funeral ceremony. Again, just to keep on the safe side, keep it kosher even if the family isn’t Orthodox.
The attire at a Jewish funeral tends toward the more formal, a jacket and tie is called for men, a dress or skirt/blouse for women. Darker clothing is recommended. At some funerals, the yarmulke is required though these will be available when you arrive if you are not Jewish yourself.
Christians are expected to show respect by not openly wearing crosses or crucifixes.
Unless it is a Reform funeral, flowers are not appropriate at all. Instead, make a small contribution to a charity or cause that was favored by the decease, not your personal favorite charity.
The ceremony will take place at a temple, or a funeral home. If you arrive late, do not enter during either the processional or the recessional or during eulogies. This is not a religion based on reincarnation so don’t expect an open casket. The officiating will be done by a rabbi and there may be a cantor who sings. Nothing is expected from non-Jewish guests other than to stand with the other mourners.
The interment is for family and close friends only, if you consider yourself merely an acquaintance, you should not attend. Gravesite ceremonies vary dependent on family background and whether they are Orthodox, Reform, Conservative or Reconstructionist. The rabbi will lead prayers and there is usually a procession to the actual grave. After prayers, everyone who is present will take part in filling in the grave with one spade of earth, even non-Jews. However, this ritual is not always observed.
Islam: The funeral usually takes place two to three days after death. If you decide to visit the bereaved family before the ceremony, it is traditional to shake hands and kiss family members of the same gender. Afterward you should sit with them, talking quietly and offering quiet prayer.
Attire at an Islamic funeral is not formal, casual slacks and shirt for men; a dress for women that covers the arms and comes down below the knees. Women should also wear a scarf to cover their head. Christians should not openly wear cross or crucifixes and Jews should not openly wear Stars of David. Dark colors advised.
Flowers and food are appropriate to send to the family of the bereaved.
The ceremony will take place at either a mosque or a funeral home and you aren’t expected to give any traditional greeting to the family; simply offer your condolences. Again, like the Jewish ceremony, there will not be an open casket. As far as the actual ceremony goes, there is nothing in particular that a non-Muslim will be asked to do.
At the gravesite, you may attend if you are not a Muslim; prayers will be recited and then the burial takes place.
Sikh: Sikhs always cremate their dead and the ceremony usually takes place within three days of passing. When offering condolences do not dwell on the negative aspects such as mourning or sadness, instead focus on the happiness of the deceased’s soul returning to God.
Clothing at the ceremony is casual, though that can include a jacket and tie for men. Some kind of head covering is required but it needn’t be traditional, it can be just a hat or cap, though team or advertising logos are not recommended. Women should wear a dress or skirt/blouse, though modest pants are acceptable. Women are also expected to wear a hat or scarf. Somber colors are not necessary.
Flowers and food or a contribution to a charity are okay, but they are not required. However, if you choose to send food, make sure it doesn’t contain alcohol, eggs, meat or fish.
The ceremony will take place at a funeral home, though there may be a post-cremation ceremony. That ceremony is completely optional so don’t be surprised or feel left out if you don’t receive an invitation.
There may possibly be an open casket, it’s dependent upon family custom, but regardless you aren’t expected to view the body. If you choose to view the body, simply stop and say a short silent prayer and then move on.
