Funny Family Friendly Jokes: Hilarious

A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things.

Later that night while watching television, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replied, “Sure honey.” She then asked him, “Don’t you think that you should write it down on a note so you can remember it?” He said, “No, I can remember that.”

She then said, “Well I would also like some chocolate syrup on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.” He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup.” She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

Now irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then goes down stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

RESTAURANT JOKE
A man decides to eat in a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a prickly black hair inside of the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on back there!”

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and the man witnesses the cook taking a meat patty and flattening it under his armpit. He says, “That’s disgusting!”

Then the waitress says, “If you think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”

Getting Pulled Over Joke
A man and his wife are driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, “Do you know that you were speeding?” The man replies, “No sir, I didn’t know I was speeding.” The mans wife then yells, “Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I’ve been telling you to slow down for miles.” “SHUT UP!” the man says to his wife, “Shut woman, just sit back and be quite.” Then the cop says, “Well, since I’ve got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?” “No Sir” the man replies, “I did not know that either.” “YES YOU DID!” His wife yells, “I’ve been telling you to go get it up to date for months!” “Shut up” the man yells to his wife again! “Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!” Curios, the cop walks over to the woman’s side of the car and asks her, “Does he always talk to you this way?” “No” she replies, ” Only when he’s drunk!”

Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man walks into a department store with his Seeing Eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog around over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing Sir?”

The blind man replies, “Oh I’m just looking around.”

Who wants to be A Blond Millionaire?

Meredith (Host): Sindy!! You made to $500,000 you are one away from the million!!! You still have your phone a friend lifeline left.
Sindy: I am so excited, let’s play.
Meridith: Ok Sindy here is your final question. Which one of these birds do not build its own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Sindy: I think that I know the answer but I am just not sure. I think I am going to use my phone a friend.
Meridith: Who would you like to call Sindy?
Sindy: I think that I am going to call Tammy (Sindy’s Blonde Friend)
Meridith: Lets get Tammy on the line.
Tammy is now on the line.
Sindy: Tammy!! I am going for the million dollars, right now! I need your help with this last question. Which one of these birds does not build its’ own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Tammy (Blonde): Oh Sindy that is easy!!! It is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: How sure are you Tammy?
Tammy (Blonde): I am 100% sure that it is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: Thanks Tammy.
Meridith: Your friend seems pretty confident. If you get this question right you will win the Million. But if you get this question wrong, then you will drop back down to $32,000.
Sindy: I am going to go for it. C. Cuckoo final answer.
Meridith: Tammy�You are a MILLIONARE. Cuckoo was the correct answer.

Later on that night Sindy is super excited and has a massive celebration with all of her friends and family. She invites Tammy over to celebrate with them. When Tammy arrives Sindy wants to thank her personally for helping her with the million-dollar question.

Sindy: Tammy how in the world did you know that a Cuckoo is the bird that doesn’t build its’ own nest?
Tammy (Blonde): Sindy�everybody knows a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

Monkey Joke
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree? Answer: Because he was dead.

Girl Joke
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Answer: Because she didn’t have any arms.

Peanuts Joke
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just walks into the room quietly and sits down in a chair, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table as he waits for her to wake up.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, honey,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

ELEVATOR JOKE

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, reaking of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, … “Broccoli – 39 cents a pound.”

CAR TRIP JOKE
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every name he could think of, making her feel guilty for causing them so much trouble.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “And while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too…”

POOL JOKE
A very wealthy multi-millionaire has an extravagant bash at his home. He is so rich that he has alligators swimming in his pool. He makes an incredible announcement to his guests. “Attention!! Any man that can swim across my pool with out being harmed can either chose to have one million dollars or he can marry my beautiful daughter.” Everyone hears a splash and they witness a man swimming vigorously in the pool racing to the other side. He jumps out of the pool unharmed. The millionaire walks down to meet the brave lad and he asks him, “You can have one million dollars or you can marry my beautiful daughter, it is your choice sir.” The man angrily replies, “I don’t want your daughter, I don’t want your money, what I do want is the wise guy who threw me in the pool.”

FLYING HIGH JOKE
Three men and one woman are stranded on a boat for several days. Finally after days of hardship, a helicopter spots the people and pulls down a rope to have them climb up into it. All four people begin climbing up the rope. The pilot of the helicopter yells down at the people. “There is only enough room for three people. Somebody is going to have to let go.” All the men immediately refuse to let go of the rope.

The woman bravely says, “My entire life the men in my life had had to sacrifice for me. My father had to work hard to put a roof over my head, my brother had to protect me from bullies and my husband has always been there for me. This time I am going to sacrifice for the men and I am going to let go.” The men were so touched by this speech that they all clapped.