Glenn Beck: CNN’s Finely Tuned Asshole

“They’re our enemy like the Soviet Union used to be, at least now we’ll have someone to root against in the Olympics.”

-Glenn Beck, talking about Iran or North Korea or Iraq or maybe even Lebanon, I’m not sure because my brain was scrambled by his idiocy incarnate.

To say that CNN is the only fair 24-hour news outlet is like saying that Fox News is kind of liberal. And nothing backs that sentiment up like their finely tuned asshole Glenn Beck. I’m not really sure why I’m writing an article about Glenn Beck since he isn’t even on CNN proper, but rather their bastard child: CNN Headline News. I love CNN: Headline News for 21 hours out each day, the hours when they are not airing Glenn Beck’s show which I think is called Glenn Beck Live or something. It airs at 7, 9 and 12 on weeknights, so there you go, in case you don’t want to watch it or you just want to take notes on America’s newest primetime primate.

I did a little research on Glenn Beck and, surprise, surprise, he’s a reformed alcoholic and drug addict. What is it with all these reformed alcoholics? They make me sick. Well not pyshically sick, my own booze addiction does that, but they make me figuratively sick. Of course their leader, our President George W. Bush, has set a template for the conservative drinker who has suddenly found God (they can do anything if they put their minds to it!). Glenn Beck, to a tee, has lived up to this idiom.

He is loud, obnoxious and he doesn’t like them darn terrorists. Nope, not one bit. And if you watch his show often enough, and I sadly have, he’ll beat this decree into your skull with the force and fury of a sledgehammer. Where did it all go wrong, you wonder? Me too.

Predictably so, Glenn Beck is also from the school of conservative talk radio, another gem of an invention that’s right up there with wire taps and income tax. Somehow I had never heard of him until he landed on CNN recently, but apparently he’s the host of radio show that is syndicated in over 200 markets and even has a satellite deal. Those aren’t numbers that’s say “under the radar,” but as far as my radar is concerned, that’s where he was until he attacked my beloved Headline News. Apparently, and this is even scarier, he’s also a published author. Hide the kids for God’s sake, this is the worst kind of conservative “personality” (See: Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter).

Now, before I get ahead of myself, Glenn Beck isn’t exactly as bad as those two parenthesized names. He’s kind of goofy and his bright shirts tell me that he desperately wants to fit in with us liberals. For what it’s worth he likes to say things like, “”I am a Conservative who doesn’t happen to be a Republican,” whatever that means. I’ve also heard him say, “If it looks like a duck and it sound like a duck…,” so Glenn Beck is nothing if not completely contradictory and unnecessarily on my television for three more hours than he should be.

Look, I don’t have the answers. I don’t have any answer, not a single one. And if you like Glenn Beck, God bless you. But for my money it’s people like Glenn Beck who are killing this country…not the faceless, nameless terrorists that he despises so much.