Great Hockey Quotes and Jokes for Yearbooks, Newsletters and Scrapbooks

In making a yearbook for our youth hockey club I researched a lot of hockey quotes. Here’s a list for those who might need good sports quotes, and some jokes especially hockey (I’ve included a few other quotes) in no particular order:

1. Jacques Plante: “How would you like a job where, every time you make a mistake, a big red light goes on and 18,000 people boo?”

2. Wayne Gretzky: ” You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”

3. Rodney Dangerfield: “I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.”

4. Paul Coffey: “When we’ve got the puck, they can’t score.”

5. Herb Brooks, 1980 US Olympic hockey coach: “You don’t have enough talent to win on talent alone.”

6. Jim McKenny: “Half the game is mental; the other half is being mental.”

7. Wayne Gretzky: “Some people skate to the puck. I skate to where the puck is going to be.”

8. Author unknown: “Ice hockey players can walk on water”

9. Brad Hull: “I’m not dumb enough to be a goalie.”

10. Descriptions of Team Positions

TEAM COACH

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

TEAM CAPTAIN

Leaps short buildings with single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

ASSISTANT CAPTAIN

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is granted

DEFENSEMAN

Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

FORWARD

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

ROOKIE

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can’t stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

REFEREE

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says “Look at the Choo-choo!”
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

GOALIE

Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance (who needs a Zamboni?)
He IS God

11. John Wooden: “Sports Do Not Build Character…They Reveal It”

12. Al Michaels at the 1980 Olympics U.S. hockey team defeat of the Soviet Union: “Do you believe in miracles?”