Guide to the Best Bars, Food, Strip Club and Sports Book in Las Vegas
Las Vegas, Nevada. As Cotton McKnight says in “Dodgeball: The Movie”: “Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra.”
That’s the place to be when you need to win filthy cash, stuff yourself with the finest foods and libations and party like a rap mogul and you and a group of your cretin friends are just the fools to do it. My crew has been embarking on this trip on an annual basis for the last eight years and a few summer trips thrown in for the hell of it. Amidst the spectacle of all that glitters in Vegas, we’ve not only had a great time but we’ve also managed to pocket some money and now it’s your turn.
We’ve got a formula and it’s one that has stood up to scrutiny, distraction and skepticism. Follow the keys to our success and soon enough Steve Wynn, Kirk Kerkorian, and Peter Morton will be begging you to come back with the hopes that you’ll be handing over your newfound windfall back in their greasy palms. Now it’s time to put their joints in your crosshairs. Just do as I say.
The second the wheels of your plane touch down at McCarran Airport in the southern Nevada desert, the odds are already stacked against you. You’ll walk into the airport and be greeted by the pleasant and inviting sounds of slot machines (that are all tuned to emit tones in the note of “C”). Bypass that nonsense, get your buddies to pony up $10 or so and get a limo. You’re a grown up now. No cabs. Get to your hotel in style. After my following my gaming tips this weekend, you’ll be accustomed to a limo. in your room.
Drop your bags in the room and immediately get a cocktail with your friends. Or ten. Just avoid the tables. Limit your play on the craps and BJ tables. Trust me. If you lose, it will be fast and the pain will linger. If you win, you’ll keep playing because you think you’re hotter than Bill Macy at the end of “The Cooler.” You’re not. They’re just setting you up for a slow bloodletting, and your blood and greenbacks are what they’ll take. And don’t even think about the carny games like 3-Card or Pai Gai Poker or any other lessons in stupidity. Don’t do it.
Why?
Because Saturday and Sunday (January 7th and 8th, respectively) are the days you’ll be hauling in the cash, thanks to the Washington Redskins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars, New England Patriots, Carolina Panthers, New York Giants, Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals.
You’re betting the NFL and you’re going to like it!!! And because I’m just that great, I’ll tell you where to go and celebrate your winnings. (And, no, people on trapezes nor goobers dressed like Klingons will be a part of your winner’s itinerary.)
But before I give you my iron-clad, rock-solid, bullseye, princess-on-prom-night picks, let’s go over where to blow your winnings. This will keep you focused and incentive to adhere to the picks. Man, are you having a blast yet? Can you smell the cash? You should.
BEST BARS TO SEE AND BE SEEN
If you do not have a few victory toasts at Ghostbar (Palms Resort and Casino) and the circle bar at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, you don’t deserve to go to Vegas. Throw on that token striped dress shirt of yours – since every Los Angeleno moron will be wearing one and, hey, when in Rome – and splash on the cologne your lady bought for you. Just get there. The drinks are great, the ambience is quintessential “new” Vegas and the talent. Holy crap, the talent. If you have a jealous girlfriend or wife, these are not the places for her since she’ll be hounding you every 2 minutes to see if you still think she’s pretty. Better yet, leave her home. Thank me later.
The layout of Ghostbar is simple: retro, vintage, clean and conducive for a good time. The lighting is also dim enough to make that girl with the plunging neckline think you sort of look like George Clooney when your head is turned just so and she squints. Stand on the section of the floor that is nothing but plexi-glass and peer all the way down to the bottom of the hotel. Trust me; it’s a long way down. Have a drink on the outdoor patio and tell any woman who’ll listen that you own the NFL, for all intents and purposes. It only takes one to believe you, you swine.
If you think the floor plan of Ghostbar is easy enough, the bar at the Hard Rock makes “2 Fast, 2 Furious” look like “Traffic”. It’s a bar. In the shape of a circle. Right smack dab in the middle of the casino. You walk in. There it is. And after 10:00 PM, it is crawling with clones of Jessica Alba, Pamela Anderson, Elisha Cuthbert (in “The Girl Next Door”, not her last season of “24”) and the girl in high school who you thought was 100% unapproachable (but now she is because you are an NFL handicapping svengali). You’ll see women who are fashionable in the sense that less clothing is more and more surgical enhancements are better and others who make you long for the day of glam rock and the resulting appearance of the gals who listened to it. Speaking of rock, this place has plenty of it. Classics by Lep Zep, Guns Ã?¯Ã?¿Ã?½n’ Roses, Van Halen, Alice In Chains to some of the new stuff like Linkin Park and even Coldplay. They’ll even throw in some Dr. Dre just to make sure you’re still paying attention. This bar is a peach!
BEST FOOD WITH SERVICE TO MATCH
If you eat a box of Krispy Kremes with a sixer of Schlitz for your Feast of Glory, you might deserve to get your foot run over by a Sherman Tank thirty or forty times. Indulge. Immerse yourself in a dining experience that is not of this earth, rather one of Las Vegas.
You can go and fork over a half grand at the Venetian or Bellagio and, yes, the meal and service will leave you questioning whether mere mortals should eat this way, but let’s leave those dinners for the stiffs. Keep it simple but reeking with smoldering cool class. Get to a place that makes you look toward the door just in case Frank, Sammy and Dean might come strolling in. It’s high time for you to get acquainted with A.J.’s Steakhouse (Hard Rock Hotel and Casino). The hostess is always, and I mean always, smoking red hot and has a level of sophistication and professionalism that you may consider asking her if she’d like to get an apartment with you. (But don’t, no matter how tempting.)
To the right is the bar. One strip of marble and an open space for you to occupy. Order yourself a Grey Goose and Soda and toast yourself and the bar by saying Jim Feist isn’t fit to wash your underwear. YOU are the handicapping king of Sin City. Revel in it.
Enjoy the piano and its old school jams getting plunked out of it. And by old school, I’m not talking the Sugar Hill Gang or Run DMC. I’m talking Burt Bacharach, Nat “King” Cole and the Chairman of the Board. It’s incredible. Slip the piano player a five-spot and make a request, and don’t be dumb. If you ask for anything by Westside Connection, he’ll take your five, slap you upside the head and you’ll deserve it.
As for dinner, let the waiter walk you through the menu and specials. When in doubt, get the prime rib and accompany it with some mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. Pair it all with a 2002 Caymus Cabernet Sauvignon, and you’re set. You and the crew you’re dining with will toast each other no less than ten times because you can’t believe how cool the restaurant is and how fantastic your server will no doubt be. Just don’t get totally out of hand. The place has white tablecloths.
BEST PLACE THAT YOU’LL TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU NEVER VISITED (BUT REALLY DID – AKA BEST STRIP CLUB)
Don’t act like you’re not going to one. You are. You’re going to a place that will reserve a special place in your heart for the song, “My Humps.” You’re going to a strip club. And you’re going to a great one.
Get in the cab and tell the driver that you’re going to The Spearmint Rhino. Don’t listen to him if he says that Cheetahs or Jaguars is better because they’re only doing their job. They get a kickback from those clubs if they keep bringing in clients to their doorsteps. The Rhino is for you, mon frere.
Once you get out, you’ll probably be greeted by the Sontag brothers, the twins who played Terry Benedict’s muscle in “Ocean’s Eleven” and “Ocean’s Twelve.” I’m not kidding! These guys actually work the door at this place. David and Larry are good guys and they don’t mind being recognized, but just be a little discreet. In other words, don’t start jumping and giggling like you’re some backwoods moron who thinks that everyone in California surfs every day. They’ll send you away, or at least they should.
Once you’re in the club, get your buddies to scrounge up some cash and grease the doorman for a booth with enough to sit your probably-pretty-drunk rears down. And behold! Give yourself a couple of minutes to order a drink and get a lay of the land because you’re going to be blown away. I can sit here and describe the employees writhing through the place, but I wouldn’t do it justice. Whatever you desire, your fantasy woman is there. And she’ll dance for you and laugh at your jokes. I guarantee that she’ll make you think she cares about you. Don’t be fooled. Ah, hell, be fooled! It’s awesome! I will leave the rest for you to enjoy and experience yourself. Mmmm, the RhinoâÂ?¦.
BEST PLACE TO BUILD YOUR MONETARY EMPIRE
Before the winnings can be counted, though, you’ve got to commit yourself for a solid 8 hours of work in a sports book. The person who goes to bed first on Friday is automatically appointed to be the seat-saver Saturday morning. It’s an important job since you’ll be eating, drinking, living and almost using your seat as a toilet for the entire day. But it’s electric, trust me.
Any of the major resorts has a decent race and Sports book, but it’s tough to beat Mandalay Bay, although the Bellagio’s leather loungers are pretty incredible. But for pure crowd insanity, Mandalay Bay gets it right. They have absolutely huge screens upon which to view the games and great sound. You won’t have to strain to hear Joe Buck say something stupid. The cheers are deafening when things are going right and the groans get downright funny when the ball bounces in the opposite direction of your bet. You’ll all be family for those 8 hours. There’ll be some bickering, some awkward silences and then euphoric, brotherly love when your team pounds into the endzone.
Now�
Are you ready for free money? Come and get it.
THE PICKS
Washington at Tampa Bay (-2.5, over/under 37)
Gibbs or Chucky? Easy. The Bucs got throttled by the Niners. Even though Cadillac Williams is back at full strength, Chris Simms is an implosion waiting to happen. The Skins will lay back and wait for the Bucs to make mistakes (which they will). PICK: Take the points and the Hogs. Hail to the Redskins!
Jacksonville at New England (-7.5, o/u 37)
As the soon-to-be-leaving Jets head coach, Herm Edwards, stated, “There is a reason they go to the playoffs every year. There is a reason why they’ve won three world championships.” And the same reason for being so good is the same reason to give up 7.5 points: the Pats are on fire. Brady and Dillon are healthy, the defense is back in good standing (even with Bruschi’s cryptic leg injury) and they’re at home. However, 7.5 points can look like a ton if the Pats defense can’t stop the Jags. WaitâÂ?¦ the NINERS clowned Jacksonville in Florida! PICK: Lay the seven and a half and watch Brady dissect these maroons.
Carolina at New York (-2.5, o/u 44)
Do you trust Eli Manning? Really? Do you trust Jake Delhomme? Yikes! These guys can throw td’s but, man, they can throw picks in a big way. That’s why I like the idea of a defensive touchdown and the quarterbacks to launch a blitzkrieg. Who’ll win? Who cares! PICK: Take the over, sit back and watch these teams slug it out for 38-27 offensive showcase. If you really want to pick a team, though, go with the Panthers. They’ve been there before and they’ll know how to get it done better than the feisty G-Men.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-2.5, o/u 44.5)
Carson Palmer, Rudi Johnson, Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Weapons! And on defense? Yuck. Pittsburgh has been great on the road this year, and while they don’t like to cover a spread when they’re a home favorite, they love to cover as a road underdog. And they smashed in the Bengals’ faces already once this year. Remember, a good defense will tear apart a good offense in January. Always. PICK: Pittsburgh.
There it is. Your budding empire is ready to be assembled. As you’ll learn this coming weekend, money is so much sweeter when it’s won than earned.
Have fun, boys. Good hunting.
