Helping Kids Deal With Divorce
“Divorce”. The Oxford Dictionary defines the word quite simple: “the legal dissolution of a marriage”. But from the official definition and the adult perception of the word to what separation means for many kids around the world, there is no narrow path. Several factors intertwine and lead, in countless cases, to a cataclysmic and traumatic experience for the children.
The “D” word is the “monster in the closet”; it becomes “alive” for the young ones and often generates anger, humiliation, anguishes and doubts. Fear of loneliness grows bigger and bigger, a certain sensation of guilt torments the mind of the child, questions arise and some of them are never spoken. Depending on the age and cultural patterns, some of the kids involved in such domestic crises lose interest in particular activities (hobbies or school) while others are trying to deal with their problems in different ways, frequently ignored or simply not noticed by the parents. Acceptance doesn’t come easy.
Protecting the Innocents
There is said, many times, “children are the innocent victims of divorce”. Sad, but true, kids are victims and this because of the factors brought up above. Aside the lifestyle changes, the most important aspects are related to the children’s emotions. Only the idea of “choosing sides” is not perceived as fair by any child – and this is the worse mistake a parent can make. Every adult, when going thru such a hard time, has to think, analyze and act in the best interest of his/her youngster, considering that children have a predisposition to blame themselves for the divorce and that for an immature mind all the aspects of the daily life matter, and changes are not painless. Fact is a child loves and needs both parents.
With these considerations in mind, one may state that a separation is one of the most hurtful events a child can experience. In order to “minimize the damage” adults should be, first of all, fair. “Fair” is a very general term, but it refers, as in sport, to a “clean game”: no lies (you’ll not spare any feelings, on the contrary: kids are incredibly perceptive. They know, instinctively, when someone is trying to hide something); no blaming the other parent for the tragedy (an “adult problems” type of explanation will do just fine); no talking bad about the other parent in front of the child; never ask the child to choose sides or put kids in the middle (remember they are not messengers, and if you have something to tell to your “ex-other half”, find another way); let the child enjoy time with the other parent without making any reproaches (these will only cause more pain to the young one and generate confusion).
Generally, separation means also two homes for the kids. The most important point is that these two homes agree upon a common set of rules. For example, if “mom says I should go to bad early”, dad has to do the same. Sure, there will always be differences between the two homes, but the idea is to set the same goals for the kids, and to reach a consensus regarding the general ways to achieve those objectives. On the other hand, rules may be overlooked sometimes. Cut some slack if this happens, don’t make a big deal out of nothing. Pointing fingers have the same impact on a young mind as talking bad about the other parent, but worst of all, the child will feel guilty first for breaking a rule, second, for being the cause leading to the “pointed fingers”. The idea “divorce is my fault” may arise again. Reassure the kids that the divorce is an adult decision having nothing to do with their actions.
Let Them Be Kids!
Many parents are placing too many responsibilities on the shoulders of their kids after a divorce; they try to make the child feel the “man” or the “lady” of the house in order to distract him/her from the pain, or just to create a set of rules for later. This is not such a good idea.
Kids need to be kids. They need to know that they are not alone, that both of the parents will keep on loving them, even after the separation; they need to know there are other kids coming from a “broken home” out there and most important, they need to know that their feelings vis-Ã? -vis the divorce are acceptable.
As already underlined, acceptance doesn’t come easy. It may take years; it may also take a lifetime for a child to overcome the pain. “Still waters run deep”, they say, so if a child apparently accepted the divorce, there is no proof that later, in his/her life as an adult, the old scars will not bleed again.
What a parent can do to help his/her youngsters to cope with the separation is to listen to the kids, to provide them a secure environment to live in and not to repress them from expressing their feelings. But the most important is to reassure the kids that both parents still love them.
