Helping Your Child Navigate Parental Separation and Divorce
In spite of the high divorce rate in this country I like to believe that most of us understand the supreme importance of family and doing whatever needs to be done to keep a family intact. Some of our most wonderful moments in life are due to what is happening in our family unit. We want our families to be joyful, safe and what any family should naturally be.
No where are these hopes and dreams we have for our family more important than in the lives of our children. It’s my opinion that, although divorce is painful for the adult parties of divorce, no one suffers in divorce like the children of the marriage do. I know that, in the short term, divorce may seem like the easiest path to happiness. Often though it is the most difficult and more painful route to take, particularly where there are children involved.
Yearly there are more than 1 million children who experience the divorce of their patents. The process and trauma these children experience will normally begin long before there is an actually divorce. It will begin with parental disagreements, anger and continue to worsen throughout the divorce process and can often last for many years after the divorce is final.
One of the first and most important things a parent can do for a child who is experiencing the split of their family is to get the child into some form of age appropriate counseling. It is important to have a third party who can be objective and whose only concern is listening to and putting at ease, the feelings of the children. This goes a long way in helping the child know that they are not the cause of the divorce and that they cannot be the cure of the problems that are causing the divorce. Guilt, feeling a need to fix their parents problems and taking on responsibilities that are not theirs is a major problem with children of divorce. Age Appropriate counseling will go a long way in dispelling and skewed ideas the child might have. Long-term therapy can help with emotional, social and legal aspects of divorce and it’s aftermath and, in most cases it takes long-term therapy for a child to come to terms with the process of divorce.
How a child will react to the divorce of his/her parents depends greatly on the age of that child, the level of love and security the child felt in the family and whether or not the parents are able to stay focused on their children’s needs in spite of their anger, grief and discomfort in the divorce process.
The younger the child the more likely they are to reflect the distress, grief and preoccupation of the parent. This will normally show itself by the child being more irritable, crying more than usual, showing separation anxiety, becoming aggressive and suffering from problems with sleep and even developmental regression.
Children around the age of 4 or 5 will, at times, blame themselves for the breakup of their family and their parent’s unhappiness. They may become very clingy, begin to act out in abnormal ways, become fearful that both parents will leave them and begin to have nightmares and strange fantasies.
School aged children may begin to exhibit strange moods and seem preoccupied with negative thoughts. They may also feel more rejected and angry at the parent who no longer lives in the home. Normally school performance will decline and, worst of all they may feel put in a position to take sides and chose one parent over the other.
Children in their early teens will be affected by a decrease in self-esteem and may regress to a less immature emotional way of reacting to stress. They have spent years loving and idealizing their parents and now have to accept that they are less than perfect. This can cause anger and confusion and will often lead to problems in the relationships with their parents. There is an increased risk of substance abuse, decreased performance in school, inappropriate sexual behavior, depression and delinquent type behaviors.
At any age, a child whose parents are divorcing can have psychosomatic symptoms (somatoform disorder) as a response to their anger, loss, grief, feelings of being unloved and other stressors that come along with the divorce. They may try to play one parent against the other because they need to feel in control and to test the rules because of the drastic changes taking place in their lives.
So, what can you do, as parents to lesson the negative effects of divorce on your children? When possible it is very important that both parents talk to the children together and explain that there will be a divorce and show a united front in the level of care and concern for your children through the process. It is also important that both parents are willing to discuss the divorce and any negative feelings the children might have individually. There are two topics that should be discussed with your children. First they should be reassured that when they were born their parents love each other very much and that both wanted them very much. This knowledge can help children feel cared for and to realize that they are not responsible for the divorce.
Secondly, children need to know that regardless of where they live, the absent parent will continue to love them and will not abandon them. Making a promise of maintaining a regular visitation schedule and then keeping that promise is of utmost importance. Consistency in the child’s relationship with each parent helps the child to continue to feel the safety they felt when the family was still an intact unit.
Parents should encourage and be willing to listen when their child needs to express negative feelings about the divorce. It’s the parent’s job to teach the child how to share their feelings in appropriate ways and it is also the parent’s job to validate and let the child know that they understand how hurt the child must be feeling. Allow your child to cry when they are sad, to be angry when they are angry and give answers when they have questions. Honest, uncritical answers to their questions.
Pay close attention to your child’s moods; take notice of when the child may be feeling especially sad or angry. Take extra time to do things with the child that will distract the child from the problems in the family. Keep the child’s schedule as routine as possible. Make sure they are having fin, keep time with regular friends and family.
It is also important that, at this time, there should be no plans made to disrupt the child’s life further. Let time pass and the child make the emotional adjustments needed before making any other changes such as a change in school, moving, different babysitters, introducing boyfriends or girlfriends into their lives.
Be sure you are keeping a close eye on the child’s behavior and level of work in school. Be willing to work with the child’s teachers and others (Coaches, Scout Leaders, Dance Instructors) who are in close contact with the child so that everyone can help the child learn to feel safe and to express feelings about the divorce. Children can and do adjust to divorce you just have to keep in mind that it will take them longer because they have found themselves in the middle of a situation that they have no control over, one in which their very foundation of security is being split apart. Due to this the normal adjustment period can be up to two years.
Bottom line, as divorced parents you can better co-parent when you both decide to do whatever is in the best interest of your child. You respect one another’s right to share in parenting the child. You may no longer like one another, but co-operation means recognizing that the children need a relationship with both parents. Put forth effort as far as agreeing on basic parenting rules and work at being consistent in enforcing the rules. Let go of your angry feelings for each other and work together to parent your children in a warm, loving manner.
It may be hard for divorced parents to work together because one parent may be abusive, one may move away, child support may not be paid or one may letting their anger over the divorce get in the way of them loving their child. If you find yourself in a situation where one parent is allowing their anger to do harm to the child the best thing you can do for that child is to give them unconditional love and support and live in a way that shows them that, although they rarely see their other parent you are there and will always be there.
Basically, a child is going to navigate the choppy waters of divorce based on how his/her parents react to the situation and how open they are to putting the child and their feelings first. In a perfect world all parents would be able to put their child’s needs first. Since we live in a less than perfect world and deal with less than perfect people, it’s important to know that, if both parents can’t or won’t work together and child can cope with and survive divorce with the love and attention of one parent if that is all they are left with.
