Hip-pop: This Summer’s Newest Flop: Music by Fergie and Justin Timberlake

Apparently, there has become a drastic shortage of actual music this summer so it was up to Justin to bring “Sexy Back” and Fergie to lower “London’s Bridge” so that those damn alternative rockers wouldn’t take over the whole world one good song at a time. Now I’m no pop- basher, or whatever the kids are calling it these days, but dag nabbit, I want my music back.

Unfortunately, the universe would be unbalanced if labels and artists weren’t lining their pockets and there was actually a year of good songs. Tell your friends, Tell yourself: The new genre is hip-pop:

hip-pop n. -pop-ularized music dipped in watered down hip hop beats.

Justin Timberlake “Sexy Back”
“This meandering melody-free jam is atrocious,” retorts the good people at monstersandcritics and I am inclined to agree.

One would never dare to predict the fall of this single let alone sophomore album “Future Sex/Love Sounds” by merely researching his extensive background of successes with Nelly, Snoop Dog and The Black Eyed Peas or just by looking at the title of the album: Future Sex/Love Sounds. Setting that aside, just sit down and listen to this incomprehensible song and I will bet someone a substantial amount of money to guess what the hell it has to do with the video. When seeking the answer to this, I sat down to view VH1’s special “All Eyes On Justin Timberlake” where the man himself caref…. ully…..ex…plains, “I wanted to go in a different direction with this album.” And we all know what direction that was…the unsuccessful one.

In conclusion, no matter how many times he begs Timbaland to help, I personally don’t think he will ever top “Cry Me a River” no matter how many years he “takes a break” or low he cuts his hair. I used to be a IN LOVE with this man and everything he did. Now, not so much.

Fergie“London Bridge”
Come on, are we really ready for another “Hollaback Girl?” For this song, and predictably her entire “The Duchess” debut album, she took a baby step away from the annoying, yet catchy sounds of The Black Eyed Peas, twisted in a few distracting horns and unnecessary sounds and created a song and video totally different and original from other women who sing about Grey Goose, the club and “such a lady, but I’m dancin’ like a hoe;” You know, once upon a time, she used to be a singer.

“if you eat enough cheddar cheese puffs, you’re gonna chuck at some point” comments Julianne Shepherd of pitchforkmedia.com and with the growing mass of “bad cheese” floating around this summer, I’ve had a bucket surgically attached to my chest for easier access while listening to the radio.

There isn’t much else to say other than my conclusion: this song belongs in the garbage where VH1 and MTV can pick it up, dust it off and put it on their countdowns to satisfy teenagers growing need for a visual disgrace of what Elvis and The Beatles worked, lived and died for.