Hollywood Logic: ’80s Action Movies
While it was mildly entertaining hearing Russell butcher Stallone’s accent in a nude shower scene, for the most part, this movie has a low logic level.
How? Well….
The LAPD apparently has a Research and Develoment lab to rival MI6. It is led by man who may be mentally unstable and uses a giant magnifying glass for vision.
There is a car that has never existed outside of this movie. A SUV with a mounted gatling gun. Why does this exist? See above.
Kurt Russell kills the Main Bad Guy with a boot that shoots bullets.
Teri Hatcher is a glamour stripper that never actually strips (?).
The Main Bad Guy plays with mice.
There’s other examples, too, but in all honesty, this is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this movie. Why?
Made in the 80’s. That’s all you need to know.
80’s action movies, for the most part, contained no reasonable amount of coherency. Sure, there’s exceptions, but this was the era of explosions, big hair, invincible heros and one-liners. Who cared about plot? Matter of Fact, it’s hard to find a plot for any movies that didn’t involve drugs, guns or Arnold.
So what are some other 80’s myths?
1) Arnold is 6’5 – Nope. He’s 5’11 or something. However, this doesn’t denote his skills to take out an entire army, as seen in Commando.
2) Cops Taste Drugs – If you lived in Alaska, where there is no drug problem, you may think that tasting drugs is a good idea. Well, sadly, there are other substances that are white, like…baby powder, sugar, cyanide, etc. Turns out this is just a method to get rid of rookies.
3) $1 Billion Isn’t Hard To Obtain – Don’t know who’s fault this is, but anyone who works knows this is a load of shit. MIcheal Jordan could save for the next decade and not have a billion. However, here’s a better example, counting to a billion without skipping a number will take you 95 years. Yea, this is obtainable. Time to import some “items” from Colombia. Which brings us to…
4) Drugs Are Rampant – In Tango and Cash, Stallone seizes a BILLION dollars worth of cocaine in a tanker truck. Russell seizes 200 kilos in a regular bust. If there’s this many drugs in L.A., pack it in. It’s time to legalize cocaine.
5) Explosions Cure Everything – Well, this one applies to movies nowadays too, as the rule of thumb seems to be “No plot? Blow it up.”
6) Being Shot Doesn’t Hurt – Another load worthy of Jenna Jameson. A regular Glock can put a hole in a brick wall. So, unless you’re The Thing, the only activity you’ll be doing after being shot is crying like a girl.
7) The Women Were Hotter – I’m going to name a few whom weren’t around during this era: Brooke Burke, Britney Spears, Jenna Jameson, Halle Berry, Jules Asner, Tyra Banks, Nia Long, Lindsay Lohan, Pam Anderson, Beyonce, Liv Tyler, Cameron Diaz, Rebecca-Romain Stamos, Famke Jansen, Anna Paquin…yea, babes in the 80’s were overrated. Although Teri Hatcher is still fantastic as a MILF.
8) Bad Guys Will Always Kill You With Their Bare Hands – If there’s a choice between the knife and that .45 on the table, and the hero doens’t have one, Bet your ass that he’s going to bait the villian into a knife-fight. Never fails.
9) You Can’t Date My Sister – Invaribly, one partner will have a hot sister that he doesn’t want the other to date for fear of the other guy dying. This only leads to false drama and inevitable resolution. Pointless.
10) James Bond Will ALWAYS Escape – Well, this is more of an overall thing, since the bad guy never really has the sense to just shoot him in the face.
So, taking all that into account, Tango and Cash was a good movie. Although I’m still trying to figure out the whole prison thing….
