Homosexuality, Transsexualism and the Five Stages of Grief
So often, when a person “comes out of the closet” As gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual, it is accompanied by such a fear of rejection, that the person coming out will search for ANY tiny sign that the person they are telling is anything other than fully loving and supporting, and more often than not, they will find it. It is tempting for many who feel guilty or wrong deep inside for who they are or who have lived with the shame of their existence to hone in on that which smacks of a lack of acceptance and to backlash with either a demand for acceptance, or else anger at the person for a perceived “narrow-mindedness”. It becomes sort of a one person pride parade.
The problem with “coming out” with that sort of attitude is that it fails to take into account the mechanics of human relationship and the mechanics of grief. In my life, I have come to a point where I realize that relationships are not ABOUT me. Society doesn’t owe it to me to understand me, and despite a desire for them to do so, my friends and family don’t owe it to me to understand me either. The reality is that in life, the people we like are those who are heavily invested in us, and who we know have our backs. What we fail many times to realize is that is exactly how our friends and family feel. The most important thing a family member or friend needs to know about us is that we are fans of them. Nobody will attend your funeral to talk about how well they understood you. Instead, in their own selfish way, the crowd at your funeral will be there to pay respect to all of the ways that you proved you understood them, all of the ways that you touched their lives. The measure then of our lives is not decided by how or if people invest in us. The measure of our lives is determined by our investments into others.
“How does this play into the idea of coming out Tiffany?” you ask. Simple. If our goal in coming out is to be understood and accepted, then we are fighting a losing battle from the moment we say “I need to tell you something”. On the other hand, it is my contention that if our lives are about the people we are opening our secrets to, then we will be mindful and respectful of how they are likely to respond to us. If we respect, understand, and truly love them, we will demonstrate the necessary grace to maintain and enrich our relationships regardless of the fact that they may take issue with the truth that we reveal.
In my opinion, it is a small mind that will not take into account the reality that coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transsexual is a revelation that will spark grief in the ones who love us. In fact, it is my contention, that the more a person loves us and cares for us, the more grief our revelation will create. Revelations of sexual preference or gender identity that go against the dreams that our loved ones have fostered for us, will invariably bring grief. Everyone handles grief differently, and along a different timeline, but in order for the relationship to move forward after a revelation of such monumental implication, it is important for the person grieving to be allowed to do so in a healthy manner. For your edification, the five stages of grief are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Many people get hung up in the first four stages of grief. Usually a person coming out wants the ones we love to jump immediately to stage five, but the reality is that we, each of us who have had to come out, ALSO went through each of those five stages of grief in coming to terms with who we are. In most cases it took us years to get through the stages to a point where we felt like we should proclaim to the world who we are. As such, I think that we should cut people some slack when we come out. Frankly, I am a little concerned if someone I tell is too accepting too fast. It means that they had no hopes or dreams for me. It means they weren’t invested. It means that nothing has died.
Grief comes as the result of death; the death of the body, the death of the spirit, the death of a dream, the death of a hope. The more someone is invested in us, the more deeply they will grieve. So, those of you who are reading and who are still in the closet but are considering telling your loved ones, when you tell someone close to you about your true self and they respond negatively, keep in mind the stages of grief. The more volatile the response, the more likely it is that they are one of the people that cares for you most. Keep that in mind when you decide how to respond to what you consider their lack of support and acceptance. It’s not about you. It’s about them. Keep that in mind, and you will find that rather than your life being consumed in your identity, that instead, it will be enriched by loving friends and family.
I have heard people say things like, “I am who I am and that’s not changing, so if they don’t accept me, that’s on them”. The reality is that often times it’s not what we say, but how we say it, and the purpose behind what we say that defines the moment. We can’t help who we are, and we should have no shame in sharing. That said, we can be respectful of others as we share, or we can be selfish about how we relate. As for me, I choose to respect the process. I hope this article has been helpful for some.
