Horrible Horror Films

Halloween’s approaching and every one likes a good scare. Well, almost everyone. But what about those of us who think candy corn is too scary? Or people who watch “A Charlie Brown Halloween” through their fingers? How can we partake of the holiday season without staining our undergarments? I checked out some of the shelves in the back of the video store and found some horror movies perfect for the faint of heart:

The Creature of Habit from the Black Lagoon (1955)
Paraversal Pictures. This movie is the story of a monster doomed by his predictability. It rises out of the lagoon every night at exactly 7:04 to terrorize the village. Once the villagers figure its schedule out, well, it gets pretty easy for them to trap and kill it. Not a lot of suspense here.

The House of Waxy Yellow Build-up (1954)
Borman Studios. Vincent Price stars as a mad doctor who invites his obsessive-compulsive friends to spend a night in his kitchen. As Price predicted, they begin to clean up the room. Then they start mopping the floor. They keep mopping and mopping but it just doesn’t get any cleaner! And it’s in 3-D so it looks like the mops keep coming at you!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Bigshot (1936)
RKM Productions. This is the quasi-frightening tale of a renowned scientist studying the dual nature of man. He creates a formula which turns him into cell phone-talking, gold chain-wearing, fancy car-owning loud mouth who has an opinion on everything.

The Mummy Curses (1948)
Paraversal Productions. When the mummy gets sealed into his pyramid, he lets out a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush.

Accountant Dracula (1957)
Shoestring Productions. A 1950s “Poverty Row” B-movie, it featured Bela Lugosi in an attempt to cash in on his most famous role, only here he portrays a CPA of the undead.

The Bris of Frankenstein (1948)
Paraversal Productions. Dr. Frankenstein created the monster seven days earlier and now it’s time to perform the traditional Jewish ceremony in this lesser-known thriller. The monster doesn’t talk in this film, but boy does he yell!

I Spit in your Gravy (1973)
Miracle Studios. A coven of nasty chefs opens a restaurant where they spit into everyone’s order. Just keep repeating to yourself, “It’s only a movie, it’s only a movie.” Or is it..?

The Phantom of the Oprah (1995)
Harpo Pictures. Oprah presents this Harpo production starring Oprah Winfrey. A creepy guy living in a TV studio seems to be sabotaging Oprah’s show. Featuring Jerry Springer as the Phantom.

Attack of the Six-foot Hero (1969)
Wearimax Studios. Apparently the concept of a marauding hoagie sandwich was scary to someone but I’ll be darned if I can figure out to whom. Anyway, once the submarine sandwich comes to life, the townsfolk are able to defeat it with some condiments and cellophane toothpicks.

The Curse of the Sacrifice-Fly (1953)
Borman Studios. Another in the Vincent Price collection: he’s a struggling inventor whose teleportation device turns his assistant into a half man/half fly baseball player who is able to advance runners on pop outs. It was an interesting attempt to capitalize on two October traditions, Halloween and the World Series.

The Incredible Shrinking Paycheck (2003)
Myopic Pictures. The truly scary tale of a put-upon man whose take-home pay is depleted by his wife, his kids, and Uncle Sam.

Godzilla Verses (1985)
Haiku Films. An odd horror art film, it’s a vanity production where Godzilla reads poetry from his book, “Tokyo, my Tokyo; Symbol of Destruction.”

Ice Scream (1993)
Bannal Productions. A masked Good Humor Man stalks and kills sexy teens with an ice cream cone that’s been frozen really, really hard.

Yes, sir, I give all these films two severed thumbs up!