Horrible Horror, Part 1
Street Date: February 2004.
Wow. That’s it. Wow. This shot on video vampire epic had more gratuitous nudity than this humble reviewer has seen in many a moon. In a nutshell, 5 teenagers (all played by thirty and forty-something non-actors) are driving to a concert. They decide to spend the night at the home of one of the girl’s uncle. Unbeknownst to the group is the fact that Uncle Marty (Martin Shannon) is an ages old vampire, who happens to be the horniest man on the face of the planet. Before we’re even 10 minutes into the film, we have already had full frontal nudity, more penis jokes than you can shake a stick at, a vomiting stripper and the debut of the completely over the top Uncle Marty. It just gets better. Characters start to die and come back (it really doesn’t matter in what order) and EVERYONE gets naked. The cast is comprised of a Penthouse model (Robin Brown), a tight real-life fitness instructor (Lia Montelongo) and a Troma Tromette, a girl that was in an ad in the back of Playboy and a few other local strippers. Shower of Bloood is definitely cheaper than a nudie bar and there is no drink minimum. The story is generic kids in a vampire’s house sort of routine, the acting is atrocious and there is a hilarious (unintentionally) sequence of computer generated effects straight out of Super Mario Brothers. On the plus side, there are tons and tons of silicone enhanced breasts, some inventive death scenes, more breasts, great vampire transformations, more breasts and then it is over. The directorial debut of Tiffany Kilbourne is must-see exploitation! DVD transfer is superb (and it should be, considering the movie was shot on Betacam) and features a behind the scenes (more breasts) and a still gallery (of breasts and blood). All you mammophiles out there, get in line to rent Shower of Blood. You won’t be disappointed.
“Bloodvault Review”
David Hayes
Vamperotica: Tales from the Bloodvault, is another entry in the hugely successful comic book-to-film formula. Don’t expect Spider-Man style effects or Road to Perdition type dramaâÂ?¦ but get ready for a fun little exercise in the large-breasted vampire genre. The title alone is undeniable proof of “what you see is what you get.” Written and directed by Vamperotica comic creator, Kirk Lindo, Tales tells the, well, tale of b-movie producer Nicky, the money he owes to the mob and the one last epic he produces (in a single night no less) about a sexy and evil Vampire Queen (played by the always buxom Glori Anne Gilbert who could, if she concentrates really hard, breast feed an entire third world nation). Little does Nicky know that the Vampire Queen actress is a real vampire (and not a “natural” like Nicky thinks). The feature comes in at a lean 80 minutes.
The DVD is a nice reproduction in its native 4:3 ratio, but does suffer some sound glitches when the volume peeks. Special Features include a Behind the Scenes/Outtakes Featurette and chapter selection. The disc is self-produced, but does feature some nice artwork. The DVD is available at www.vamperotica.com as well as a streaming version for you web-watchers.
The Bonesnatcher (2003, First Look Home Video)
Street Date: December 2003, available Day and Date.
Set in South Africa, this independent chiller is a little more than you would expect. Ambitious story tells the tale of a Canadian researcher called into the Diamond Mines of South Africa when a team of miners disappears. The Researcher and his team of Mine Security run into trouble when they discover that the recent disappearances are the result of an ages old African legend that, in order to physical humanoid form, needs the skeletons of the people he kills. Of course, skin, muscle, fat, etc. is of little use to the creature and is summarily devoured. Bonesnatcher benefits from a location seldom seen in horror today, the deserts of Africa, great to excellent acting, nice direction, well-written story and production. The flesh eating is well done, and the title monster is more than adequate (and more than most big budget fiascos). Sadly, the only way a wide North American audience would ever see this would be to put a major star in the cast and shoot it in Los Angeles. Alas, Bonesnatcher will probably languish in obscurity. It is a shame, since First Look gives us their always high-quality DVD transfer from 35 mm original, great packaging and intense story. Special features on the disc include trailers and cast bios. Not much to speak of there, but the cost in dealing with foreign properties sometimes prohibits licensing extra materials. Definitely try and find a copy (should be at least one at most Blockbusters) and have fun.
Hellbound: Book of the Dead (2003, Brain Damage Films)
Street Date: December 23, 2003, available Day and Date.
Originally entitled “Cadaver Bay,” Hellbound: Book of the Dead starts out promising the viewer quite a bit. As an ultra low-budget cross between The Evil Dead and one of Romero’s zombie epics, Hellbound has some large shoes to fill. From the onset, the viewer knows that it is watching a shot on video cheapie. A young couple, Jeff Dylan Graham (Dead & Rotting, Home Sick) and Elizabeth North, living on an anonymous bay have had a few tragic occurrences in their lives. The young woman’s sister recently died in a car accident and her father passed away a few years earlier. He was a scientist researching the mythical “Book of the Dead” that, if used properly, can bring back the deceased. The woman picks up on her father’s research and locates the book. The owner of the book attempts a little blackmail to insure his payment and is killed by the woman. She attempts to use the book to bring the owner back, but it seems as if the book doesn’t work. The woman’s beleaguered boyfriend hits on the snazzy idea to dismember the corpse and dump it into the bay (hence the original title). What the two realize a little to late, is that the book needs time to work. The owner’s limbs begin to move and the woman realizes that she has hit on something. She immediately attempts to bring her father back to life with disastrous, zombie munching consequences. Although hampered with bad to mediocre acting and some poor camerawork (the bane of low-budget filmmakers), Hellbound manages to take a tired zombie/dead raising premise and breath new life into it. The setting is original and the gauntlet that Graham is put through would make Rambo cringe. Although the breast count (2 pair) and the body count (5) is a little low for some tastes, Hellbound does deliver. The DVD authoring is superb (like the majority of the Brain Damage product) and the only problem with viewing the film is the shoddy camera work. On the DVD sent out for screening purposes, there were no special features although that is expected to change. Produced by the team at B-Horror.com (Cremains, Demon Disc) and written & directed by Steve Sessions.
The Sandy Hook Lingerie Massacre (2002, Mr. Creepo)
Street Date: Currently available at www.mrcreepo.com
Dear God. Again, dear God. With a promising title, and the assertion that Debbie Rochon’s breasts will be bared I am usually a happy little camper. I open my DVD player, throw in Sandy Hook tittering to myself about the exploitive genius I am about to watch and lo and behold, not 10 minutes into the movie my eyes are boiling out of my head. You see, Mr. Creepo is a real guy. He hosts his films, speaking in a nasally, pseudo-pedophile voice, and touts the badness of his own films. Of course, I don’t think he knows just how bad. To show you this, gentle reader, I will utilize the patented 1 sentence plot synopsis. Ahem, Debbie Rochon and 6 overweight strippers go to a weekend retreat on the Jersey Shore where they run afoul of a murderer with a hook, in bondage gear, who’s motivation for massacre is still escaping me, a creepy lighthouse, an abandoned amusement park and they die (after a disturbing nipple and tongue piercing segments featuring the belly dancing overweight stripper). The transfer to DVD is your basic DVD-R with a generic label on the disc, trailers for other Creepo films are included but no other special features. To be fair, though, the box art is pretty darn good for this schlocky attempt at filmmaking. The film is well over feature length (too well over) and I don’t think, in my humble opinion, that you will find anywhere else on the planet anything like The Sandy Hook Lingerie Massacre, unless of course it isâÂ?¦
Skin Eating Jungle Vampires (2002, Mr. Creepo)
Street Date: Currently available at www.mrcreepo.com
I know that you can’t understand this, but back-to-back Mr. Creepo is definitely detrimental to my mental state. Ok, this time we are in Costa Rica (well, some of the cast is in Costa Rica, probably shot on Creepo’s vacation) and after a UFO crash-lands (piloted by Mr. Creepo of course) into a volcano, the female aliens that he controls must revert to their jungle ways and live as skin eating vampires. The vampires include a few plump strippers from Sandy Hook but new Creepettes (I swear, that’s what he calls them) are added (alas, no Debbie Rochon this go Ã?¯Ã?¿Ã?½round). These poor emaciated new girls engage in sordid girl on girl action after a fine meal of human entrails. That would have been a great scene, until it went on for fifteen minutes. Same DVD-R as Sandy Hook, so if you can’t play the R’s, then pass on the Creep. Bet you thought I was legally insane, right? Well, not untilâÂ?¦
Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood (2001, Mr. Creepo)
Street Date: Currently available at www.mrcreepo.com
The Magnum Opus of Creepo, Barely Legal tells the tale of some lesbian vampires. I’m not sure what this tale is, but it stars the plump strippers and some other emaciated women in various scenes of lesbian vampirism and some you-should-not-be-naked S & M and bondage. Intermittently, Creepo appears in a graveyard and begs the ghost of Ed Wood for help making the film that we are watching. Ed, in a ghostly voice over, gives the Creepster some advice. All of it bad. On the plus side, this release is a real pressed DVD with some pretty damn good box art. Creepo sunk the dolla dollas into this one. Trailers are still the only special feature, aside from the warm feeling in your heart.
