Horrorific Reviews
Alien vs. Predator
I know, I know, it already sounds horrible. I’ll give it this. It was better than Freddy vs. Jason.
When a science crew discovers a lost city, they do all they can to dig it out of an icy cocoon. Little do they know, Predators already have their eyes on the city. It turns out that the city houses Aliens, which the Predators hunt to prove their manhood. Fight scenes are shot in close-ups and the whole movie is dark. I was really disappointed to only see three Predators in the film.
One brilliant thing is the use of Lance Henriksen as the owner of the company that eventually creates his android lookalike. While there were some likeable thins about this Predator sequel and Alien prequel, I expected a lot more. I think I’ll wait for the DVD on the next vs. farce.
Back Woods
Pick ‘n Flick Features, 2001
Director: Grant Woodhill
Writer: David C. Hayes
Starring: David C. Hayes, Jim Edberg, Anna Shemeikka
Grade: B+
Deep in the darkness of the Back Woods lies a family’s horrible secret. Abandoned as a baby, the sexless Mangina has been left to be raised by animals. Upon its death, Mangina curses the woods, and all who enter it. Soon after, even deeper in the woods, Deke impregnates his transvestite lover, Luann, and quickly departs. Thirty years later, Luann births a full grown man from her ass. Think that’s bizarre? The thirty-year-old man is born wearing boots and hiking shorts. He is born a genius until an accident turns him into a retard. When his mother is killed by drunken teens, Luther goes on a rampage of ridiculous proportions. This movie is fun to watch for its insanity, from the gas station that isn’t a gas station, to the trans-gender dance moves of David Hayes. This story is also soon to be released in comic book form.
42nd Street Forever: Horror on 42nd Street
Ban 1 Productions, 2004
Grade: A
This compilation of cult horror and action film trailers is a must see for any fan of classic grindhouse flicks. The amazing collection includes Freaks, a tale of circus sideshow horror, Chatterbox, a comedic story about a woman’s talking vagina, and the popular kung-fu flick, Crippled Masters. Crippled Masters tells the story of two martial arts masters, one whose arms are severed, and one whose legs are severed. The DVD will be the first in a series to be released through Synapse Films.
CanniBallistic!
MonsterPants Movies, 2003
Director: James Felix McKenney
Writers: James Felix McKenney, Don Wood
Starring: Don Wood, Laura Sweeney, Winston Bramen, John Levene
Grade: C+
After Will (Don Wood) and his best friend are trapped in an auto wreck, Will is forced to dine on his buddy’s corpse in order to survive. This unleashes a “hunger” in Will. He moves far away from civilization to supress his cannibal urges, but his neighbors just won’t leave him alone. In time, Will invites each of them to, uh, dinner. Don wood is great in this film, and despite the horrible performances by the rest of the cast, he makes the film enjoyable.
