Hot to Squash Scientology Like a Little Bug

If you read my captivating article “NASCAR & Scientology: The Perfect Marriage of Stupidness”, then you’d know that I am not a big fan of Scientology. But let me make something clear; it’s not that I hate Scientology; I hate any religion that is based on aliens and founded by failed science fiction writers. It just happens that Scientology is the only religion (of that nature) that is endorsed by Tom Cruise. So, I have to hate it the most; I don’t really have a choice.

I don’t really want to squash Scientology like a little bug; I want to blow it up like the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. That is to say; I want to figuratively destroy it through some grassroots, online sarcasm. Are you feeling this?

Here’s what you (civilian, friend) can do to squash the marketing monolith with the ministerial mask that is known as Scientology.

Step One: Ignore the Factions

What does that mean? You have to ignore everything and anything that is related to Scientology. If your friend or colleague comes up to you (maybe at the water cooler) and says, “hey can you believe what Tom Cruise said about Scientology last night on Barbara Walters?” Don’t panic, just say no and change the subject. If this person presses the issue then punch him/her in the face (preferably breaking their nose). I realize this seems harsh, but it’s not. You have to let the world know that you aren’t going to engage in any conversation involving scientology (even one that’s making fun of the stupid religion). As the saying goes, any publicity is good publicity but publicity that is completely ignored isn’t really publicity at all especially if you punch people in the face who didn’t ignore it in the first place.

Step Two: Celebrate Yourself

This step, the second step, is loosely based in Satanism; so, if you’re not cool with that maybe you should just skip this one. You have to celebrate yourself. Satanism is a fairly misunderstood religion and while I’m not a Satanist (in theory); I do appreciate their basic teachings. One of their greatest lessons involves the human ego. You have to celebrate the idea that you control everything (you are your own God so to speak). In a way, this is exactly like Scientology (and that’s why this is so awesome). I never said Scientology didn’t have some good ideas; I only said they were stupid, misguided and whorish. Satanism might be stupid and misguided as well but here’s the different. Tom Cruise doesn’t endorse Satanism.

Step Three: Endorse Agnosticism

If there is one religion out there that is not really a religion at all and thus the best religion ever, its agnosticism. Being an agnostic is great. It allows you to go to church (when you’re mom forces you) and not pay attention, guilt-free. When you’re an agnostic you can be saved without the work (and it doesn’t cost any money). What’s better than that? The worst thing about Scientology is that they (intergalactic forces, Cruise, whoever) only want your money. Tom Cruise isn’t a bad person (he’s fucking crazy but he’s not inherently evil- I think); Tom Cruise is just greedy. Shit, the more he talks up Scientology, the more money he makes; bottom line. There is no other way to think about it. And that’s my main beef with Scientology. Catholicism has the nerve to take your money and use it to pay for their child molestation trials, but they (the priests) aren’t living in Hollywood mansions; they’re not banging Katie Holmes. It’s not fair. Scientology isn’t fair.