How I Changed My Attitude Towards My Annoying Co-worker
I used to work for an insurance company and was unfortunately placed next to the most annoying person. Our carrel-type desks were connected side-by-side. Every day, she would come in and clip her nails. Then, when the mail clerk brought her mail, she would say (to the mail, I guess), “What is this?” and in fact she talked to herself all day long. When she did talk to me, she had a very negative attitude. For example, her husband had left her twenty years ago. She still bore a grudge against all men, and him in particular. When she asked what my birthday was, she responded, “Oh, that’s a horrible day. That was HIS birthday!” She was one of those people who thrive on conflict, and was never happy unless she was miserable, or making someone else miserable.
The capper was when she went to visit her new granddaughter in North Carolina. This was her first grandchild. When she returned to work after a week, I asked how the new granddaughter was and how her trip went. She replied that the granddaughter was very precious and cute, but she had cut her trip short. The reason? Her daughter had asked her to spray down the shower with Tilex when she got done, and she thought that was a completely unreasonable request. It never occurred to her that perhaps since her daughter had just given birth, that maybe she could help out a bit around the house. Nope, she just got mad and left. I heard about this one for a week! I tried to talk to her about why that maybe wasn’t so awful of her daughter, but only succeeded in getting her wound up again.
Well, I had two choices-either kill her or find a way to deal with it. I am a basically optimistic and happy person (not to mention pacifist!), so this constant barrage of negative energy was draining. I decided that since there was no way to change what she did, it was time to change how I reacted to it. I decided that I would really try to find her little quirks amusing. Every time I heard “What is this?” I would smile and say, “I don’t know!” When she clipped her nails, I went to the cafeteria or restroom for a break. When she started male-bashing, I thought about what made her a good person, what good qualities did she have? She was very intelligent, very witty, and had lots of outside interests. At Christmastime, she had an enormous Snow Village collection that took up an entire wall of her living room. Every year there was something new. She would share it with anyone who wanted to come and see it, and make hot apple cider for her guests. The neighborhood children were fascinated by it.
The experiment began. The next time she ragged on one of the (male) agents we worked with and how he would never send in the documents she needed, I was ready. I said, “Yes, he’s very pleasant to talk to but unreliable. I think he’s overworked because he doesn’t have an office assistant. When he talks to us, he doesn’t write down what he needs so it doesn’t get done. Why don’t you fax him a list of what you need, then call him and make sure he got it?” I did get a tirade of “I shouldn’t have to, that’s his job”, etc, but I just went back to my work and didn’t engage further. She did try my method but was not about to admit that it worked!
The next year when she reminded me that I shared a birthday with “him”, I just said, “It’s my birthday and I won’t be spending it with him! Besides, Gandhi and Sting also share my birthday. You can think of us celebrating rather than him!” I made sure every year that I had vacation that day.
It was hardest for me to change my reaction to her negative attitude. I would repeat to myself, “I choose to find this amusing!” and would jokingly suggest a solution for what she was grumping about, such as “Liar of the Year” award for the agent who was always promising but never delivering. When the next grandchild was on the way and she didn’t like the name they’d picked out, I reminded her that there were plenty of worse names out there and named off a few celebrities’ baby names.
I can’t say that she changed overnight-she was far too set in her ways for that-but the atmosphere did become less tense and I didn’t dread going to work any longer. By focusing on what you can change, you can cope with what you can’t.
