How Should We Discipline Our Children?

There has always been, and will probably always be great debate surrounding the issue of discipline. Is spanking a child ok? Does time-out really work? Just what is the best way to train our children to listen, obey and be respectful of themselves and others? Considering all of the things that I have read and observed on the subject, and my years of experience working closely with many different families in childcare, what emerges as most important is that discipline, regardless of it’s form, must be done properlyâÂ?¦if not, a parent might as well not do anything, as the results would be pretty much the same. It is not what is done that matters most, but how.

But before exploring the “how” of discipline, it is important to have a good understanding of just “what” discipline is and “why” it is a vital part of a child’s development. To discipline a child is to train him or her in a way that corrects and molds the moral character. Discipline is what teaches children what is right and wrong, which behaviors are acceptable and which behaviors are just not going to fly. It comes in many forms: physical punishment or spanking, time-outs, taking away privileges, causing something unpleasant to happen (such as giving a child more chores) and even in less recognized forms such as talking to the child or distracting him or her from the problem situation and the negative behavior (a technique that is very effective for children under 2 years of age). A child is learning all the time how to be an individual and how different behaviors affects those around him or her. Opportunities present themselves all of the time for parents to teach their children about how the world works and how to treat others. Bad behavior is no exception.

So just what constitutes a bad behavior? The answer to that question is that it is up to the parents or caregivers to decide. Parents are the ones who have the job of shaping their child’s integrity, and it is they who must determine what behaviors they will and will not accept from their children. Consider the differences between the ways in which you may behave at work and at home. There are probably clear differences between the twoâÂ?¦the reason for which is that at work, your employer has set limits on what is acceptable and what is not, in order that the company may operate effectively and efficiently. You cannot show up to meetings in your dirty, food-stained sweats because that does not reflect the level of respect and professionalism that your employer has decided to expect from you. And along the same lines, your family would probably object if you went out to the backyard in your black pinstriped suit, since they expect you to be the t-shirt and sweat pant clad mom or dad that will chase and roll around with them on the grass. So for different families, “good” and “bad” behaviors will sometimes be different things. Each family has to decide what things are in line with their beliefs and set the boundaries that will allow their own family system to operate well and happily.

What you do not want to happen is for confusion about the definition of “good” or “bad” to cause you to do nothing when problems arise. When a child misbehaves, it is critical to point out the bad behavior and change the situation. Now, it would be a long discussion to get into why it is that a child may be misbehaving, for there are innumerable reasons. A few common reasons for behavioral meltdowns are that the child is bored, that he or she is not getting enough attention, or feels like he or she is being treated unfairly. Kids also get frustrated and act out when they lack the communication skills to get their needs across. Discipline in some of these cases can be as easy as diverting the child’s attention to more positive behaviors, introducing a new activity, or giving that child some focused individual attention. If a child is too out of control, though, there is nothing wrong with removing that child from the play situation for a few minutes, to allow him and everyone else some time to regroup.

Here are the key steps to effectively disciplining your child�and even though these steps are most applicable to young children who are still learning how to behave, the steps generalize easily to most children, regardless of age or offense:

1.) Remove the child from the problem situation. – This can be as easy as making the child stand up (if, for example, he or she was playing on the floor) or pulling the child aside. Sometimes, in more volatile circumstances, it may be more appropriate to remove the child from the room completely.

2.) Identify the unacceptable behavior. – This means clearly stating what the child did wrong AND expressing your disapproval of his or her behavior. For example, say something like “I do not like it when you hit your sister.” or “It is not ok to throw your toys across the room.”

3.) Give the discipline. – This could be a time-out, a spanking or having a talk with that child, explaining why that behavior is not ok. For younger children, you may try focusing their attention on a new activity, distracting them from the negative situation. For example, if your toddler starts hitting at his 2-yr old playmate because he wants the toy that his friend is playing with, separate the child, tell him not to hit, and then show him another toy that may be of equal or greater interest. You can then follow up by talking about and even showing your child how to share and play nicely together with his friends.

4.) Let go of the issue after the discipline is over. – Clean the slate. Children are going to need second chances, and will more realistically need third, fourth, and fifth chances to really get themselves together!! But our children have to know that when they mess up, they can try again, and that mom or dad will be just as loving every time. It is easy to scrutinize a child who has been troublesome all morning, and just wait for him or her to commit yet another offense. But letting go of the issue goes deeper than just letting the child out of the corner, or allowing him or her out of their room; you have to let go of the issue completely. Your tone should return to a pleasant one, your body language should convey nothing but love and acceptance, and your treatment of that child should be as if he or she has done nothing wrong. After children have served their time, allow them to come back into a situation that is fun, loving, and supportive. No matter how you choose to discipline your children, never hold a grudge.

Spankings and time-outs are the most common forms of discipline, and there has always been great debate surrounding the use of one method over the other. In all of my years of experience, I have seen both forms work well in some cases and in others go terribly wrong. When spanking is done out of love, in order to enforce basic rules, it sends the clear message that behavior X is completely unacceptable. Yet when spanking is done reactively, and out of anger, children get the message that violence is acceptable as long as you’ve been provoked. Yes, they also get the idea that whatever they just did is probably something that they shouldn’t do again, but that can easily be lost amidst the swirl of emotion, coming from both child and parent. Along the same lines, time-out that is instituted consistently and with appropriate explanations can be enough to stop a problem behavior. But when time-outs are inconsistent and the activity of the punished child is not appropriately monitored, a child can become confused and learn to not take the parent seriously. Different situations will call for different actions…so the middle road between physical and non-physical punishment is probably to one that makes the most sense. Do what works for your family, and what is in line with your beliefs, because ultimately, it matters not what is done, but how.

As was stated earlier, opportunities are always presenting themselves for us to teach our children, and it is important to mention that good behavior is not an exception either. Let us not forget that discipline can be positive as well. Discipline is about training, and that training does not only come through doling out punishments and correcting wrong behavior. Parents must also remember to praise and reward the good behavior of their children! Catch them doing right, and something as simple as an acknowledgement, a hug or kiss, or even a special treat will keep the good behavior coming.

Be immediate and consistent with your problem behavior interventions, have clear boundaries set up to define what is and is not acceptable for your family, and remember to also reward good behavior. A child’s moral character gradually progresses through different developmental stages, much like their physical appearance and intellectual capabilities do. Proper discipline will provide them with the fertile ground to mature into considerate and respectful individuals, and will help guide their way through the many rights and wrongs in life.