How Single Moms Can Raise Their Sons to Be Good Men
Turning out bad boys instead of good men seems to be a growth industry in our country. Almost 95% of all prisoners are men and that number grew from 715,000 in 1990 to 1, 505,000 in 2005. Health related costs of violence against women just by their husbands and boyfriends exceed $5.8 billion each year. Also, we can’t forget about all those successful, professional men, the Loan Executives, CEO’s, Attorneys, Bankers, Military Officers and Accountants who have stolen millions of dollars, ruined thousands of lives and, at some level betrayed every trust. All these men are our fathers and sons who, some how failed to grow into good men.
How did this happen? How did they come to believe that they deserve whatever they can grab with no regard to who is affected negatively? Why do society’s basic rules of moral behavior become irrelevant to them? Where did they learn to see women and children as disposable sources of money, love and sex? Could it be that, somewhere along the line, the concept of “no” lost it’s meaning? And, how, as mothers of boys can we fix this problem?
We all know that children raised by financially secure, devoted mothers and fathers, supported by loving relatives and encouraged by principled friends and neighbors, educated by excellent teachers and sheltered from unsavory influence in a safe community populated by ethical role models gives a boy a head start in the right direction. That only happens in a perfect world and, as we all know, our world is less than perfect.
Most boys can’t even hope to be raised with two out of three of the above situations. Therefore, that calls for adaptation by making sure fundamental lessons of life never slide. Lead by example whether you are your son’s only influence or one of many. Never hit when punishing because then you teach that violence gets results. Always be kind and courteous to others and teach them to give what they wish to receive when dealing with their fellow human being.
Nothing is simpler than the timeless rules that we were taught as children but don’t seem to have a place in today’s society. Thou shall not steal. Anyone who wants to eat must work. Obey the law. Honor thy mother and father. But, maybe the most important rule of all, “NO.”
As parents, we want our children to have everything and our children are happy to comply with our wishes. We fail to teach our children, an especially valuable lesson for boys who will grow to be fathers and husbands that no one is entitled to take what they want regardless of the effects on others. We fail to teach them how to accept no from others and to police themselves by being able to say no internally.
How many times as a parent have you said no, but did yes? How many times have you negotiated a no down to a maybe and then to a later until you finally give in and give up? Responsibility is learned early. Parents who excuse their boy’s rude or wrong behavior are slow cooking a pot of grief and sorrow. Parents who relinquish authority, allow disrespect and fail to set limits pay down the line and so does anyone else who forms a relationship with that grown son. They do society a great disservice by letting loose a grown man who believes the world owes him everything just for showing up.
As the single mother of two sons, I’m very aware of the fact that, “a good man is hard to find.” What I’ve learned from raising my son’s on my own is that they are even harder to produce. Bottom line, good men make good fathers and we, as a society, need good fathers. Why? Because nothing affects what kind of man a boy will turn into more than the kind of fathering they receive. If you are raising boys alone, love isn’t enough. It takes strength, fortitude and a willingness to stand firm when you want to give under the strain. Plenty of convicted felons, stockbrokers and Enron executives were rocked to sleep at night by mothers who adore them with all their hearts. Single mothers of sons have to be sure, steady, strong and unrelenting when raising their sons alone because those sons will be the fathers of our grandchildren. They will be members of society and hopefully one’s that will be the kind of fathers who make us all proudâÂ?¦especially us mothers.
