How Step Parents Can Bond with Your Stepchild
The beginning of a relationship with a stepchild can be exhilarating, terrifying, and often both. Typical questions running through the mind of a new stepmother are, “What if the child rejects me? How can I live up to expectations? What if I’m resented for just being here?” Even in the best stepparent/stepchild relationships, rejection happens, expectations fail, and resentment simmers. There is often a brief “honeymoon” period between a stepparent and stepchild that is soon replaced by a much more tumultuous relationship.
Naturally, we desire harmony within our families. Sometimes in an effort to pacify the stepchild, the stepparent will engage in “
Disneyland” behavior, indulging the child with gifts and treats in order to win favor. This does not set a good precedent for normalizing the family dynamic. At other times, the stepparent will withdraw from family life when the child is present, fearful of negative interactions. And in yet a third scenario, a stepparent will try to assume the “alpha parent” role in the relationship, attempting to take over all the parenting duties in an effort to establish a concrete role in the child’s life. In my opinion (and please keep in mind that I am not an expert, but rather a stepmother reporting from the trenches) one of the best ways to aid in the healthy blending of a family and avoiding these pitfalls is for the stepparent to focus on bonding with their stepchild, independent of their spouse.
When I first met my stepdaughter, she was 17 months old. She was distrustful of me, and obviously traumatized by her separation from her father. She clung to him and shot me dirty looks whenever I would try to hold her. Honestly, I couldn’t blame her. But I knew that if we were going to get on the right track as a family, she’d have to at the very least learn to have faith that I was a person she could rely upon. I set out on a carefully crafted campaign not to earn her fondnessâÂ?¦but rather her belief that I had a place and purpose in her life. Below I’d like to share a number of the ways in which I accomplished this.
1. Spend time alone with your stepchild
No matter how brief the interval, spending time alone with your stepchild is an essential tool for cultivating trust. My stepdaughter had intense separation anxiety, but I would encourage my husband to run to the store for a few minutes, or even walk around the block, so that my stepdaughter and I would have a few moments alone together. At first she spent her time sobbing and wouldn’t let me console her. But gradually, the tears began drying up sooner, and she would allow me to hug and hold her. The times when I have spent longer than an hour alone with my stepdaughter are rare, but the value of even a few minutes spent where I was the only person she had to rely upon were critical in the development of our relationship.
With older stepchildren, spending some time alone with you as the sole adult in the house can quickly highlight whether they view you as an authority figure, friend, or even nonentity. This can open an important dialog within the family as to your role within it.
2. Become a part of your stepchild’s routine
Every night that my stepdaughter was with us, I put myself in charge of her evening bath. Without fail, this was MY job, whether she liked it or not (and at first she most certainly did not like it!). I made certain that my stepdaughter had a bath every night she was with us. Rhythm and routine are utterly vital to feelings of safety and stability within children. It is especially important for children of divorce, who often have far more erratic lifestyles than their peers from intact families, to have a set routine. By integrating yourself into this routine, you become associated with safety and stability. So find an aspect of your stepchild’s routine that you can take over, without denying the primary parent their own valuable bonding time. I would suggest taking on tasks such as sharing a chore with the child (cleaning up the kitchen after dinner or walking the dog). Avoid taking on tasks such as homework helper, if you can. The goal is not to usurp the parental role of your spouse, but to create a space for yourself within the family.
3. Do something special, just the two of you.
My stepdaughter and I would spend a lot of time quietly coloring together. It was something special we did together, just the two of us, while her father showered or completed a few chores. Believe it or not, even with me there, if was initially difficult for him to convince SD to let him do these things. That’s how difficult it was for her to be separated from him during her time at our house. But by using this time to do something pleasurable with her, it eventually became something she not only tolerated, but enjoyed.
Now that she is older, we bake together. My stepdaughter earns the reward of spending time baking sweets with me through good behavior. How far we’ve come that she actually considers doing something with me a reward! With older stepchildren, there are a variety of “special” activities you can share in that will bring you closer together. For stepdaughters I would recommend getting a facial at a spa together (no haircuts or manicures, you don’t want to involve yourself in anything that alters the child’s appearance), purchasing a nice outfit at the mall, having lunch at a new restaurant, or even making jewelry together. For boys, perhaps you can dedicate an afternoon to playing videogames with them, or have them help you bake them their favorite meal. These events shouldn’t be regular occurrences. They should be reserved for times when your stepchild is treating you with respect and kindness, or is generally being well-behaved. Therefore, the child will associate good behavior and a positive reward with you, their stepparent.
By engaging in these activities, a stepparent is opening the door for a positive, strong, and healthy relationship with the stepchild. This does not mean that there are no pitfalls, and that the child will accept you with open arms 100% of the time. There are many up’s and down’s in the blending of a family, even when every family member does everything right. But hopefully by following these simple tips, you will be able to create a foundation for a strong, loving relationship that will stand the test of time.
In my case, my stepdaughter has gone from clinging to her father’s neck and barely tolerating my presence to actually preferring my company at times. She trusts me implicitly, allows me to offer her comfort and “mother” her, and expresses a great deal of affection for me. I believe that our relationship would very much resemble our initial interactions if I had not been proactive in cultivating a special relationship between the two of us.
