How a Married Woman Stays with a Sports-Obsessed Husband – by Dating Other Men

So how does a married woman make it through football/basketball/baseball/golf/soccer season without Prozac, nagging, shopping (until the credit card company schedules an intervention) or praying for rain to knock out your cable? By dating other men.

That’s right, I said date. Try to keep an open mind here. Remember that inside every great village idiot there beats the heart of a genius just waiting to be discovered. C’mon didn’t they stone that guy that said the world was round? I know, I know, change can be hard at first, even for the most flexible of us, but when it’s right, eventually they all catch on. I ask you, have you ever seen a globe that was flat? You see what I mean?

And just like that old guy from times of yore, I too have a brilliant idea whose time has come. You know you want it. You know that like that Playstation for the kids and that Monday night football for your other half, this is something that you would choose, just for you. But can it be done? More importantly, can it be done without messing with the deeply committed life-long, not to mention legally binding contractual, relationship that you share with your husband? Can you get milk from a cow? Need I say more?

How you ask? Because this isn’t about tampering with the sanctity of marriage. This is simply about a woman exercising her right to choose. To choose something just for her. Just like your kids. Just like your husband. And when you think about it, don’t you really deserve the same courtesy. After all your sacrifice? After all the laundries and meals you’ve done and cooked for them. After all the clothes you’ve bought and cleaned for them. After all the birthday cards and presents you’ve picked and sent to his mother and father from him. Supportive wife? Dutiful wife? C’mon, do you want this marriage to work or don’t you?

You say you can’t have an affair. It’s morally wrong. Affair? Who said anything about an affair? No! Definitely not an affair. Strike that word from your vocabulary. We don’t even want to be thinking about that word. Affair is such a negative word. People don’t like that word. Society doesn’t like that word. So no, affair is definitely not the concept we are going for. Besides affairs have no rules and we are definitely going to have rules. And rest assured that your husband is going to play a major role in establishing those rules. If this is going to work he has to be involved. In a healthy relationship each of you should have a say. Just like your husband tells you every thing he does and every move he makes (after you catch him that is) this is your opportunity to give him back exactly what he deserves. You get my drift?

Moving on. The ground rules. Now you could simply ask your husband outright for a list of what he wants the rules to be. No doubt he’s become an expert in making up rules for you to follow. But don’t do it. Instead tell him that since he is already so masterful at making decisions that maybe he could show you how he makes it look so easy. Then excuse yourself to quickly peel a very fresh onion and upon returning with tears in your eyes ask him if he wants to hear any of your silly old ideas, even though you know that his are better. Like a man with his fist, sometimes a woman has to use the tools of her own trade.

And no matter how guilty you may feel, never, I repeat, never give him total control of the rules. Because that is just plain stupid. Stupid for two reasons. One, why would he want to change the status quo when things are running so smoothlyâÂ?¦for him, that is. And two, let’s face it, he may be clueless but he’s not dumb. He knows his washboard abs and really cool car are gone and gone. What if you find out that there’s life out there without him and you like it better? Address these issues before he has a chance to think about them and he’ll forget about the battle and you’ll have won the war.

The preplanning phase is done. The kids are over at a friend’s house and your husband is watching the Giants vs. Redskins on the T.V. You sit quietly next to him and bide your time. Half-time passes and by the way your husband is screaming you know a major play is in motion. This is it. This is when you tell him the plan. Don’t get flustered if it seems as if he hasn’t heard you. Just wait, as soon as a commercial comes on he’ll scream, “you want a divorce?” Quickly, reassure him that he is the man of your dreams and that you want to grow old (just not look it) with him by your side. With luck the onion is still working its magic as you bravely recount your tortured tale of how you’re so bored during the weekend days that you need him to spend more time with you or you’ll go crazy. Of course all he’ll hear is, “he’ll have to give up football”. And don’t forget to start setting up the Scrabble board. That ought to do it.

Time to rope him in. Emphasize that you’ll do whatever he wants. It’s all up to him. Whatever you do never use the word affair, even if you’re telling him it’s not one. Stick to the phrase, “play buddies”, defined as casual friends who will keep you busy until football, baseball and basketball season has ended. Make it sound like it’s not a forever thing. Trust me, if he’s a real man he’ll hear what he wants to. You need to make him feel as if he’s doing this for you because it’s best for him. Tell him the rules include no intimacy and that’s why there’ll be no kissing on the lips. Remind him how it worked for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Point out the No Guy Twice rule, to limit any kind of attachment. Between you and me, you already have one ball and chain isn’t this really about getting a chance to try out all the rest? And promise him that any man you see (18 and over that is) must have some major flaw – you know, like he rolls his Rs – that ought to boost your hubby’s ego.

The commercial ends, the game returns, show him that you’re willing to keep on going if that’s what it takes to make this marriage work and put his mind at ease. More than likely he’ll return his focus to the game and in between screaming at Eli Manning he’ll tell you to go have fun. And if one day down the road your husband comes to you, stares you directly in the eye and tells you that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, don’t look away, stand your ground and tell him that you are once again invoking a woman’s right to chooseâÂ?¦a double standard. Then just in case he doesn’t buy that, there’s always the Scrabble board.