How to Afford an Apartment
Work three part time jobs in between your classes and homework; forget about paying off the interest on your massive student loans; buy the warehouse size boxes of coffee; get free meds on campus when you feel ill instead of dishing out valuable dollars at the local pharmacy or at an experienced doctor’s office; learn to navigate your apartment in the darkness – if that doesn’t work, invest in Walmart’s low watt fluorescent bulbs; wait to wash your clothes until they have more skin on them than you do; make showering a game against time-every minute spent relaxing in that warm cascade is oil out of your tank; heat-learn the value of layering clothing and keep the thermostat set at 60; keep any appliances you are not currently using, unplugged; when the temperature drops in the early morning, threatening to ruin your shivering sleep, tuck your head under the covers-conserve body heat; sit your chipped-tooth cat down and explain that because the dry food is cheaper than the canned stuff, he will just have to choke on the pieces or starve; get furniture from your parents or from friends who are willing to lend out their spares; learn to MacGyver tables from boxes and desks from shoe racks; sit on the floor, you can’t afford chairs; do not purchase telephone service when you can rely on your cell; do not invest in cable-you won’t have time to watch t.v. anyway; do not pay for hi-speed internet when you can use the public library’s services; consider the neighbor’s loud music free entertainment; make it a priority to attend events that advertise free food – stuff your backpack full before leaving; learn to love peanut butter and jelly lunches; do your homework at red lights and in those quiet moments at work when the boss’s back is turned; cut out coupons, send rebates, fill out applications for countless plastic savings cards; forgo dentist visits; make pasta a nightly occurrence; forget buying new clothes; enlist in medical studies that may adversely affect your personality or general wellbeing-as long as they pay, as long as you can pay your bills, you have no real concerns if you turn green or start seeing purple people; invite yourself over to friends’ apartments and exchange your humor and good looks for their heat and company (free free free); convince yourself that sleep is for the weak-idle hands and all that; collect coins you find on the street; if you must purchase a meal, allow yourself one thing from the fast food value menu; convince yourself that textbook reading is entertaining so that you’ll maintain the stamina necessary to earn those As; if you do start to lag, if you start to feel like you need a break, recall your countless hours in retail and remind yourself that a college degree will take you far away; yes, take a moment to remember the goal, but then, hurry hurry, you won’t get anywhere sitting on your butt; go to class, write your checks, pay your credit card bills; now, quickly, go – get back to work!; life as an adult, you’ve got your own apartment-what a perk.
