How to Apologize and Mean It
Though I have learned a lot in my thirty plus years on this earth but I found out recently I am not immune to bonehead mistakes. I think perhaps I shall be making these blunders for the rest of my life. The difference is that I have learned the most important lesson of all. If I value a relationship I had better be ready to apologize and mean it.
All my life I’ve blundered about in my daily life but the mistakes change as I grow. I made the simple mistakes early on and have now moved on to more sophisticated errors. These require a lot more thought and a lot more sincerity. The one thing that has most noticeably changed is that I choose to accept my faults more readily now and I know the value of a true apology. Learning to spot your mistakes and owning up to them are the first steps to a heartfelt apology.
What Did I Do?
If you don’t immediately know you did something wrong, chances are the person you hurt is letting you know. If you don’t know make sure you figure out what is bothering them and why. If the reason for the other person’s anger isn’t glaringly obvious to you don’t make the mistake of getting defensive and insisting you did nothing wrong. Ask, listen and learn. Perhaps you cracked a joke that hit home personally with someone. You may have no way of knowing this until suddenly someone is not speaking to you. You may be so busy that you perpetually show up late for lunches with a friend. You don’t mean them disrespect but they may be feeling a little put out. Other times it is glaringly obvious what you have done. Go head and stick your foot in your mouth and bury your head in the sand, it might help!
Space
Give the person you hurt some space. How much space depends on the depth of the hurt you inflicted. Let them feel their pain. Don’t belittle them by insisting, “it’s no big deal” because it may be a very big deal to them. Let them have time to process what happened and to come to terms with it. Show remorse for hurting them but don’t push too hard. You may damage the situation further.
I Was Wrong
When you can fully acknowledge that you have made a mistake you are ready to apologize. Make certain that you are sorry because you did it not because you got caught. You can say “I’m sorry” until you are blue in the face and it won’t get you anywhere unless you truly believe it. Be prepared to take full responsibility and refrain casting the blame on anyone or anything but yourself. Let the other person know how important they are to your life and why they are so important. Let them know that you would never hurt them intentionally. Be sincere, be honest and admit you were at fault.
The best way to apologize is face to face. You can send flowers or gifts but nothing replaces face-to-face conversation. If this isn’t possible send an email or a letter. Be prepared to wait for a response or to not get one at all. Even with the best of intentions some things may turn out to be unforgivable. If you come across one of these situations acknowledge what you did, apologize and move on if they fail to forgive. You did your best.
Time Changes Everything
After you have made your apology it us up to the other person whether they want to forgive you. If you are sincere in your apology they will most likely find it very easy to forgive you. Sincerity is the key because without it they will never trust you again. If you are insincere in your apology it will be very evident to the other person. Give them time and space if they do not respond immediately. This may be even harder than the apology for you. It is essential that you give them time to process your apology and come to terms with what happened.
When Forgiveness Occurs
When the time comes the other person will let you know you are forgiven. Don’t dwell on things and move on in your relationship, whatever relationship that may be. You may even find that your relationship is stronger than it was before. Accept the forgiveness with grace, thank them for it and then move forward.
One particular person I had to apologize to lives on the other side of the world and I don’t see him very often. I made my apology via email and waited. The next time I saw him he was definitely still smarting from what I had done and I knew I deserved whatever he was thinking. I took the opportunity to make my apology again but this time face-to-face. He let me know how it had made him feel and offered forgiveness. At our very next meeting I felt truly and totally forgiven. I think he just needed time to acknowledge that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt him and that my apology was indeed sincere.
Final Thoughts
Asking to be forgiven is never easy. Don’t think of apologizing as a show of weakness but rather show of character. If the relationship you have with this person is important to them a sincere apology will be accepted.
Remember that forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting. There may come a time when someone decides they can forgive you but they can longer allow you to be a part of their life. The cheating husband or wife may have to move on and accept that what they did was just too big to forget, even if it was eventually forgiven. The same may be said for the neighbor who was supposed to look after your house but leaves the door unlocked. You then come home to find your house cleaned out and your ability to trust them again completely wiped out. Let’s not forget the uncle who gets drunk at your dinner party and moons everyone, including your very prudish boss, during dessert. Even if you think your blunder was too much to overcome, apologize anyway, in the end you will be glad you did.
