How to Argue Effectively in a Relationship
If your relationship lasts longer than, say, a few months, you’ll start to notice things. Irritating things. Things that drive you crazy. Things like the speckles of toothpaste left on the bathroom mirror, or the incessant channel-surfing, or the wet socks left in the middle of the living room floor, or the funny way he/she can get a paycheck on Friday and be stone cold broke on Monday. Eventually, these things will spawn arguments. The trick is not to let a little spat escalate into a serious fight.
How do you keep a lid on these arguments? Well, you can’t control how your partner may react, so the initial responsibility may lie with you. Perhaps one day you can broach a conversation about your partner’s tendency to misunderstand, overreact, zone you out, and jump to conclusions – but first, you’ll have to learn how to keep that conversation from turning into a fight. Here are three key tips to keep in mind next time your temper starts simmering.
1. Don’t Argue For the Sake of Arguing
This is a temptation many face and few conquer, and could also be filed under the heading, “Pick Your Battles.” In other words, don’t go around perched on the verge of an argumentive foul mood, snapping back at every innocent or badly-thought-out comment from your partner’s mouth. For example, your partner mentions, “I forgot to do the laundry today.” Your instinctive response: “You never do the laundry. I always have to do the laundry.”
This response, even if it doesn’t immediately lead into an argument, is unpleasant and will leave an icky, unnecessary residue of malcontent between the two of you. When you feel that reflexive twinge of resentment in response to something your partner has said, take a moment to actually consider the situation. Are you really angry about whatever he/she has said, or are you angry over a recurring theme in your relationship (i.e., your partner’s habit of never doing laundry)? If you’re just feeling irritable to start with and your partner’s comment rubbed you the wrong way, take a moment to acknowledge that to yourself and let it slide. If you’ve already snapped your partner’s head off before realizing you’re not actually angry at him/her, you should acknowledge this to your partner and apologize. Yes, apologize, because you’re being mean and unpleasant and you should be sorry.
If, on the other hand, your partner’s words have actually angered or hurt you – something along the lines of “Who in the world cut your hair? And are you still friends with them?” – you should still resist the temptation to come back with some equally angering or hurtful response. Defensiveness on your part will only lead to defensiveness on your partner’s. Control your emotions and calmly but clearly state your position, making it obvious the comment was unwelcome without being accusatory. For example, in response to the insensitive haircut inquiry, you could respond with something like this: “It didn’t turn out as I wanted, and I’m very upset about it.”
Rather than turning your emotions loose on your partner for a (hopefully) unintentional slip of the tongue, you can express the source of your upset and way-lay any further snarky exchanges. By being open and nonconfrontational about your feelings, your partner should realize he/she has touched on a sensitive topic and should back off. Remember, not everyone thinks before speaking. In an effort to halt unnecessary arguments before they begin, you should make a conscious effort to become one of the few who do.
2. Know Your Territory
This ties in closely with #1. If your position can only be summed up in one inflammatory statement and you have nothing to add but exceedingly vague statements of accusation, then you have no argument. For example, your partner again forgets to wash dishes. You snap, “You never do anything around the house!” He/she replies, “Yes, I do.” You say, “No, you don’t.”
That line of argument will get you nowhere but into the realm of hurt feelings and grudges. Find a strategic method of addressing your irritations, and approach the conversation with a problem-solving attitude instead of simply setting out to place blame. A good response to the dish-washing dilemma would be something like this: “Neither of us has time to handle every little chore around the house. I’d like it if we could sit down and work out a schedule of chores for both of us to do.” Then follow through. A reasonable position, if discussed in a reasonable manner, is much harder to dismiss than over-generalized, angry accusations.
An important part of this strategy is recognizing your partner’s position, as well. For example, he/she may rebut your suggestion of a chore schedule by becoming defensive and saying, “I work all day, and when I come home, I just want to relax.” In this situation, you should acknowledge his/her position with a simple affirmative: “I realize you work hard.” You can then move into laying out your own position: “I work full-time also, and I feel keeping up around the house would be easier if we shared the chores fairly.” Notice the lack of you statements in this strategy. These tend to come across as inflammatory whether they’re intended to be or not.
A big consideration in planning your argument strategy is knowing, despite your best efforts to remain calm and reasonable, your partner may not reciprocate. Arguments have a way of becoming one-sided. If you’re not getting through to your partner, and he/she is becoming angry, you shouldn’t give in to the urge to match his/her hostility. Remaining calm and anti-accusatory will allow you to end the conversation at the point where you know it’s not going anywhere – i.e., “Maybe we should talk about this later, once we both have a chance to think about things.” This may also work to your advantage because your civil, rational behavior will reflect all the more unfavorably on your partner’s overreaction, and may result in his/her personal reflection on the root of the argument. Once he/she has time to realize he/she reacted inappropriately, he/she may be more receptive to your position at a later time.
3. Be Prepared to Concede
This is the tough one. Sometimes, you may just not be right. It’s hard for a lot of people to swallow, especially if they’ve gone to an effort to prove their positions. But during the course of any normal argument, you may come to a point where you realize you’re in a losing position. Your natural instinct may be to argue your point even more adamantly, but this may not be in your best interest. “Allowing” your partner to be right in some arguments will maintain fairness in your communication and perhaps help to distill any reflexive animosity your partner experiences when you bring up a troublesome topic in the future.
As unpleasant as it may be to eat crow when you’ve been bested, once you realize you’re in the wrong, you should simply stop arguing. Refer again to #1 – don’t argue for the sake of arguing. If you’re wrong, admit it. Own it. Say, “You know what? You’re right.” An apology may not even be necessary, unless you’ve taken some cheap shots to try and prove yourself right. Simply acknowledging your partner’s position and stepping out of the argument should be sufficient. Depending on your partner’s voracity over the subject, you may be subjected to a few “I told you so’s.” Concede with grace, and hopefully your partner will remember and follow your behavior the next time an argument rolls around.
Bonus: Incorporate Humor
If an argument looks like it’s going to turn vicious despite your best efforts, a little silliness may help to diffuse the situation. When you sense tempers rising, don’t be afraid to throw in some random goofy comment. For instance: “Hey, wouldn’t you rather see my belly button than fight about this?” Unexpected levity will almost always derail the argument from reaching fever pitch, and once you’ve shared a laugh together, you can move back into discussing the topic at hand with a little more good will toward each other.
