How to Avoid Becoming a Vampire
Toward the end of the first millennium AD, somewhere in the Kingdom of Bavaria, a monk named Constantine set to work on a compendium of methods that people must utilize in order to escape the tragedy of becoming a member of the walking dead. You have to understand that this was no idle enterprise. Constantine lived at the height of the Middle Ages when death lurked around every corner. If you lived long enough to start losing your hair and hearing you were a hero. Then there was the vampire threat, considered very much a realistic possibility. Before you laugh at this medieval nonsense, consider this: most polls suggest that a slight majority of Americans believe in the existence of ghosts. Since no one has ever offered up incontrovertible proof of either vampires or ghosts actually existing, have we really progressed as much as we like to think?
Be that as it may, if you’re still interested in any tips available on how to avoid becoming a vampire, then here we go. Keep in mind, however, that Constantine wrote his book previous to Martin Luther nailing that piece of paper on the church door, so many of these tips will pay off only if you are of the Catholic persuasion.
For instance, tip number one: By all means, you should avoid being excommunicated. So, if you’re still planning on going to see The DaVinci Code just to see what all the hoopla is about, maybe you shouldn’t. I mean, you can’t get excommunicated for seeing The DaVinci Code just yet, but let’s face it, the College of Cardinals didn’t exact elect Doogie Howser as Pope. Who knows what crazy rules the next guy will create.
Tip number two: Get thee to a pool, river or baptismal fountain. Dying while still not baptized is just asking for a future of sucking blood and sleeping during the day. Which, admittedly, is not a wholly unpleasant thought-sleeping during the day, I mean, not sucking blood�although�
Tip number three: Don’t do anything that makes your parents put a curse on you. Apparently, parents putting a curse on their kids was a big thing during the Middle Ages and it was to be taken seriously. This one applies not only to Catholics and Protestants alike, but pretty much anyone of any faith. What parents haven’t wanted to put a curse on their kids at some point?
Tip number four: In the immortal words of Freddie Mercury and Queen: Don’t try suicide. Suicide not only grants you a one way ticket to H-E-double hockey sticks, but also apparently serves as an open invitation to vampires. If you want to avoid becoming a vampire, then stop listening to your Joy Division albums right this minute!
Tip number five: Okay, this one is maybe a little hard to accomplish. If you find that you just can’t do this one in your effort to avoid becoming a vampire, don’t blame yourself. It’s hard. Tip number five is not a simple thing to accomplish: Avoid death as you recover from being a werewolf. Can you see now how-if you do become a vampire-you just really shouldn’t beat yourself up over this one? There is a way to accomplish the task however. After your experience as a werewolf you must isolate yourself completely throughout the next two complete cycles of the moon.
Tip number six: Here’s the weird one. The best way to avoid this one is by staying away from wagons entirely. However, if for some reason you simply cannot keep off a wagon, for God’s sake at least make sure you don’t fall off the left side of it. Falling from the left side of a wagon isn’t going just going to leave you with a possible broken arm, but possibly a brokenâÂ?¦soul.
Now the bad news. Even if you are successful at sidestepping all of the above, you may still not be able to avoid becoming a vampire. Constantine was convinced that some vampires are born, not made. How can you tell if your destiny is to wear a black cape, sleep in a coffin and enjoy the smooth, coppery taste of plasma? Call up your mom right now and inquire if you were born with a tooth already exposed. If you were born with a tooth already exposed, you may become a vampire. If you were born with actual red hair sprouting from your head, you may become a vampire. Although this is rarer than it used to be, being the seventh son of a seventh son is a surefire ticket to everlasting damnation as a bloodsucking freak. Oh hey, while you’re still on the phone with mom, don’t forget to ask her if she ever engaged in a demented and perverse orgy with demons. (An orgy at the GOP National Convention will also do the trick.)
