How to Be More Assertive
We are all created equal and should treat each other accordingly. That’s in a perfect world, of course. Trouble is, this is not a perfect world and sometimes you have to assert yourself.
That doesn’t mean developing an attitude that’s offensive or telling people off. Assertiveness is a way of making sure no one takes advantage of you, while being careful of the other person’s feelings too. Alan Alda tells us to “Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.”
Many people find it hard to be assertive, to say “no” especially. Are you tired of forever being Mr. or Ms Nice Guy? You can still stand up for your rights without stomping on the rights of others.
Ask yourself these questions:
*Have your co-workers taken to dumping extra work on your desk because you always say “yes” to their requests?
*Do you often say yes to a friend’s request, and then feel resentful towards them because you really didn’t want to do it?
*Do you say yes just to feel needed?
*Do you feel guilty about letting people down if you say “no?”
*Are you afraid others will think you lazy or selfish if you say “no?”
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, it’s time to learn to be more assertive. It’s time to deal with all those hidden fears that make you a “people pleaser.” It’s time to cure this “disease to please.”
It’s impossible to say “yes” to every request. There’s not enough time and energy to acquiesce to every single request from every person in your life. If you want to have a life, it’s time to learn to say “No.”
How do you do that without offending others? Carefully, very carefully. Keep in mind there’s a big difference between being assertive and being confrontational. Being confrontational automatically gets the other person on the defensive. It “gets their dander up,” as they say in the south.
In the case of co-workers trying to dump extra projects on your desk, if you’re truly too busy, be honest and tell him/her so. “I’d love to help you out, but I have so many other projects in the works, I simply don’t have the time.” Or, “I have so many projects going right now; I just can’t give yours the attention it deserves.”
If it’s a favor for a friend and you honestly can’t do it, it’s better to be honest with them. You can’t keep rearranging your own life and schedule to accommodate other people’s work. Eventually, everything will suffer if you do.
Remember, you have a right to a life of your own too. It’s your right to take care of your own problems first. A true friend will understand and not be angry with you because you say “no” sometimes. For many, learning to be assertive will take some time and practice, but it’s well worth the effort.
