How to Cope with Conflict at the Office
One new book that addresses conflict is “Leading Through Conflict, How Successful Leaders Transform Differences and Opportunities, by Mark Gerzon published through Harvard Business School Press”. The following is a synthesis of the of the book appendix with some additional ideas of my own. The appendix is entitled, “when conflict erupts-guidelines in times of crisis”.
Time is short and the stakes are high, here are ready made principles that are easy to remember and apply:
1) Make time your ally. Ask yourself do I really have to act now? Or am I moving to fast because I am anxious and afraid? If there is no immediate threat to ourselves or others, consider the possibility of reflection before action.
2) Breathe-protect yourself. Many times counting to ten doesn’t work, and makes us angrier because we are focused on the situation that is causing us to count to ten. Instead focus on facing fears, “grounding yourself”. Act only from a place of internal balance, but not before. I have a personal rule as a trader to never trade when unless I feel “balanced”, “calm”, “peaceful”. You make mistakes when you “simply act”. Instead, focus on what it takes to NOT ACT. Protecting yourself also means asking yourself, what will it take for me to feel at peace, to calm down?
3) Determine your goal and focus on it. Ask yourself why are you in conflict in the first place? Do you need to sustain this relationship and why? What does your adversary need from you and vice versus? What would an effective outcome of this conflict be? Many times we can lose sight of a goal or make needless compromise when we are upset. This relationship is in your life for a reason, what is it? What can you offer your adversary?
4) Speak to those who are present. If the person in front of us is not an adversary, triggering an avalanche of emotions at the person in front of us may be a huge mistake. If the person in front of us is our adversary consider what are going to say, and how you are going to say it. Will they listen if you raise your voice? Are they the kind of person who it is better to get close to physically or keep your distance? Remember that venting aimlessly can be destructive. You may need to vent, but find “the right person” to vent too at the right time.
5) Avoid name calling and blaming. There is always a better way to be heard then to be toxic. If we find our balance (refer to one) we will many times hear what is in our heart, instead of the words in our rage.
6) Be aware of self-righteousness. In conflict we maybe right or we maybe wrong. But in either case to act from a space of self-righteousness is seen as arrogance and rarely effective.
7) Keep your shadow in front of you. Analyze and consider your part of the conflict, how you have acted to create this conflict? What is your part in the conflict? Take responsibility. Our shadow, our responsibility and many times the “thing” we wish to avoid. Even if it is that you come from an opposing position that is your part of the conflict. Take responsibility for that opposing position.
8) Listen to everything, but respond selectively. Many times responding to an insult is not in your best interest. Often those who are angry will attack, but they have a genuine issue that needs to be raised. Try to ignore the insults and focus on finding the issue.
9) First act, then fire. Know the facts. If you do wish to defend yourself, “fire back”, check and even double check the facts. Ask your opponent questions BEFORE you respond, to an insult. Gossip and second hand information can make a situation worse, ask and ask again. Your credibility is at risk.
10) Consider calling a third party. If the situation is accelerating consider a third party to intervene, before the situation becomes even more out of control.
11) Take stock before you take sides. In most conflicts, each side actually has a piece of the solution. The first step is to not take sides, but to “take stock” Many times when taking into account complexity, and paradox we can find solutions.
12) Listen more, speak less. You may have to work with your adversaries tomorrow.
13) Learn your adversary’s language. A language is also a belief system. Learn what you adversary believes in. Study their thought processes. What do they believe in? How is it different from what you believe in? By understanding these differences, you are essentially “hunting” their mindset. A catholic is different then an atheist. If both of them are required to work in a business environment together chances are their might be conflict. Understanding is a bridge. A belief system literally guides your every action. For example, what someone believes about money and health is crucial to the cup of coffee they buy or not buy in the morning? Do they buy the more expensive Starbucks-because they “deserve” and can “afford” it? Or do they believe that Starbucks is frivolous. When buying the coffee do they take into account the health or lack of health benefits and order a sugary concoction or maybe a coffee with soy protein? Or maybe they don’t drink coffee at all, because they do not agree with the political climate of coffee growers. A simple decision like the coffee you have, don’t have, etc is a reflection of your belief systems. Complex issues that are already in conflict many times are truly governed by vastly different belief systems. I like to think of this in terms of hunting. When you hunt an animal you try and anticipate and understand how that animal thinks. A deer hunter for example, will learn the patterns of deer movements during a certain time of year. They will anticipate where the deer will go for food, where the deer will sleep etc. Hunting someone’s mindset is literally considering their most basic beliefs, and understanding their philosophical positions.
Someone who is an atheist for example is may be much more ruthless in business simply because “this is all there is”, there is “no afterlife to consider”. Someone who is a very strict religious Christian, with a strong sense of traditional morality may consider the Christian ethics of situation before acting. Place these two people in a business boardroom under intense conflict without the understanding the differing beliefs systems will create even more conflict. Generally, our personal beliefs profoundly reflect in all of our relationships. Another simple example, I covered in a past article, an individual believes “love” is coming home every night to a home cooked meal. While another individual considers “love” to be “never lying to them” no matter what. While yet another individual considers “love” to as always being there, no matter what happens. Finding out, hunting, and honoring those beliefs in a love relationship is crucial to maintaining and keeping that relationship. Likewise in business relationships, hunting the mindset of an individual in regards to what is professional and what is respect is crucial to creating and maintaining a viable business relationship. In terms of resolving conflict it is absolutely crucial.
14) Let your adversary know you. In the heat of conflict, resolution comes from letting someone know you. In this way we do not misrepresent ourselves.
