How to Create More Open Communication With Your Kids
In order to work to build a more peaceful and satisfying relationship with our children, we need to find a way to understand our kids and get them to really hear what we’re trying to tell them.
One of the most common mistakes that parents make when trying to talk to their children is a poor environment. If you’re trying to talk to your child about something important, you should find a location where your child will feel safe enough to open up to you. If there are other people present, you may find that you get protests, denials, and other defensive behavior instead of the truthful conversation you’re seeking. Equally important, are the distractions that will pull you away from a conversation. The ideal environment for a conversation would be a quiet place where the both of you can have privacy, and there are no external distractions. Choose a time of day that is comfortable for both of you, to avoid distractions. Most important is the ability to focus all of your attention on your child and the conversation.
Parents often talk too much and do not listen enough. It may seem a bit harsh to think, but most of the time, what your child has to say to you is far more important than what you have to say to your child. Why is this? Your child has something important to share with you. Whatever he or she is thinking or feeling is important and you cannot possibly help your child if you do not know what’s going on. As a parent, if you do most of the talking, your child will feel like they’re not having a conversation at all, but instead, being lectured. Children often shut down when they feel they’re being lectured to. Ask your child inviting questions and be sure to truly listen to their responses. Be aware of your child’s emotional status. When you do talk, you should always remind your child that you love him or her without conditions. Regardless of the problem, let your child contribute to the solution! You may find yourself surprised at the wisdom you’re faced with.
Repeated criticism causes deep emotional and psychological scarring. That alone is reason enough not to use such an approach with children. It doesn’t get what is wanted anyway. Most people shut down when they feel they are being attacked. Real communication isn’t possible. A parent’s responsibility to help children become happy, successful adults. As such, our children need to feel good about themselves. Children who are put-down develop a negative idea of who they are. This plays out in everything they think or do. Our children often become the very labels we put on them. Do not, under any circumstances, use words that can put your child down. Allow children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. By allowing this process to occur, you allow your child to learn what works and what doesn’t.
Regardless of your child’s age, they need to have some say in what happens to them. They also need to feel understood, especially by their parents. Battling your children over unimportant issues, such as clothing and hair, causes tension that’s unnecessary and it can be exhausting! Just as you have your own personal preferences, your child has their own. At every option, give your child choices that are age appropriate. As for your child’s opinions whenever possible and not just about superficial things. When you listen to your child’s ideas, he or she will cooperate with you more. Let go of your need to completely control your child. Within in the proper limits, allow your child to have the freedom to make some of his or her own decisions.
If you’re not doing it already, have family meetings on a regular basis. Invite everyone’s ideas about issues such as family rules, events, and even chores. When families sit down together to discuss the issues that affect them all, everyone feels like part of a team.
Never communicate with your child when you are angry and frustrated. The negative energy gets picked up on quickly by children – before you even speak. To keep them from shutting down, you should bring an inviting energy to the conversation. Don’t go into the conversation with the attempt to confront. It’s important to shift your energy before you interact with your child. This is easier to do if you are alone and in a quiet place. Stop focusing on the things that caused your anger, and shift your attention to things about your child that you can appreciate. Focus on the love you have for your child and allow yourself to truly feel that love. Bring that love to the conversation. Your child will feel it and will be much more open, providing you room for a meaningful conversation.
When communication is open and easy to accomplish, being together as a family will feel much better. There’s nothing greater than having a family that communicates well together.
