How to Deal with the Baby of the Family
The typical profile of someone suffering from “victim syndrome” is being a younger sibling-generally the youngest in a family. As youngest, cries for attention will likely be more indulged, and thus the behavior continues rather than correcting itself. “Victim Syndrome” is also popular in siblings who are close in age or have a close relationship. The oldest, who often likes to be in charge, is more likely to be harsher with the younger sibling. If you are in a daycare situation, or any situation that involves more kids, the fear and feeling of being left out will also promote this behavior, especially if the kids are closer to the older child’s age. Being labeled the ‘youngest’ and the ‘baby’ often leads to frustration on the younger child’s part. This frustration can lead to feeling sorry for themselves and attempting to find sympathy and attention from another party-or an attempt at making the older kid(s) pay more attention to them by “telling” on the group to an authority figure.
After detecting this behavior, it is important to take steps to remedy it. Though at a five-year-old level it may not seem a particularly important issue, it will help the child become more independent, self-sufficient and confident if they learn early that they should stand up for themselves rather than cry to their parents or to a teacher.
The first step is to monitor the situation as carefully as possible. As an authority figure, it is important to see for yourself what is going on. Are the older kid(s) actually picking on the youngest, or is the youngest overreacting? Do not automatically talk to or punish the older kid(s) when the younger tells on them. Make sure it is a punishable offense (name-calling, hitting or other physical outbursts, etc). If the younger child is simply losing or doesn’t understand the game, do not address the older kid(s), but discuss the problem with the younger child. Depending on their age, it is important they understand why they are losing or why they don’t feel like they’re fitting in. If you indulge the younger child this attention by punishing the older child(ren) they will not likely change their behaviors. Instead, try to help the younger child explore their feelings. Their grasp of the situation will depend on their age level, but regardless of age, indulging in their tattling or crying is only going to lead to more of that reaction.
Though it is often met with disinterest, it is important to encourage other activities for the younger child. If the older child(ren) are playing a complex board game, try to interest the younger child in another activity. If you have the time, offer yourself as a companion for your own game. Often, the dynamic of more than one child creates friction. By suggesting other activities, you are (very slowly!) helping the younger child learn how to make choices that they will enjoy more. If you are in a daycare setting, make sure to promote games and activities that can be understood and played by all ages in your group. Also, it is important to encourage games that have set ground rules, which can keep older children from ‘cheating’ the younger child out of turns. Games like 4-square often encounter a lot of contention because it is a he-said, she-said game as to where the ball was. If possible, such as in a daycare setting, monitor the games or act as judges if rulings could possibly be changed in order to serve the older children’s interest.
Help the younger child develop their own interests. Since older children like to be in charge, the games played together are often games chosen by the older child(ren). By encouraging the younger child to find things that interest them (reading, a particular sport, art, etc.) they will be more likely to chose their interest over the older child(ren)’s choice of game. An interest will also help the younger child feel more independent and in charge of their choices. By doing so, they will be less likely to feel victimized or left out. The more they develop their own concepts of fun and entertainment, the more likely they will be to pursue something that keeps them engaged without getting frustrated. This will also help them develop and mature towards concepts and enjoyments of their own making. It will help them explore themselves at an earlier level and help them feel more secure in their individuality. Though the teenage years will truly test that feeling, the younger they feel it, the stronger it will be when they get to the very difficult years of finding oneself.
Though the ‘baby’ of the family is often indulged in ‘victim’ behavior, it is important to help them curb this initial reaction when playing with groups of children, particularly older children. By not indulging the child’s overreactions, by engaging the child in another activity, and by encouraging the child’s own interest, you will help the child grow out of this ‘victim syndrome’ into a better-adjusted adolescent.
