How to Fail at Almost Anything

Whether it’s at work, school, or with the family, not only do you have the opportunity to be successful, you also have the option of failing! The possibilities are endless when you choose to fail. Use this helpful guide to ensure ‘absolute systems failure’ no matter what area of your life you want to approach:

1. Ignore all feedback and input from friends and family

It’s time to officially turn to your own resources for all answers, questions, and understanding the world. You know everything, and nobody can be trusted these days.

2. Cut yourself off from familiar places and try to figure everything out on your own; don’t ask any questions to learn

Convince yourself that you know everything you need to know in order to accomplish the task/project, and keep it to yourself. Don’t maintain an open mind or perspective (you’ll rock your own boat).

3. Develop irrational fears of anything and everything to keep you preoccupied.

Believe that everyone is against you, that your hurtful childhood is the reason for who you are today, and you are much better off avoiding discomfort. Also believe that Cinderella’s carriage turned into a pumpkin at midnight.

4. Carry out a familiar mistake over, and over, and over

If it didn’t work last time, do it again exactly the same way. Repetition of a previous failure can only mean, yes, another failure! You’ll be one step closer to ultimate failure as a result.

5. Forget everything your kindergarten teacher told you about sharing

You can’t trust anyone with your time, company, or resources; don’t share, but instead use your infinite powers to devote all your time to yourself. Volunteering your time is a complete waste of your precious resources; save them for yourself and ignore other people for now!

6. Concern yourself with all the small stuff, and get hung up on details.

Also make sure everyone around you is aware of how committed you are to this. Exaggerate the details to the point that they become your entire life, and keep trying to fix everything that ‘just doesn’t look or feel right.’

7. Get up each day at noon and wonder where the time goes

Better yet, set your alarm clock for 8 a.m., and enjoy the lazy life of sleeping in where you can keep hitting your snooze button until noon.

8. Believe that failure is always an option, and your trustworthy choice when times are rough

Give up and give in at the earliest sign of stress, and you will guarantee failure. (That was easy!) Alternatively, run to your favorite escape; food, television, irrational anger, a spending spree, drinking, etc. for a fast-track to failure mode.

9. Don’t read directions
Ignore all previous human attempts at the current project or idea you are about to undertake, and devise your own strategy. Also ignore the notion that you do not have to figure this out on your own.

10. Repeat items 1-9

Repeat all items over and over, and you will meet failure, hopefully with open arms, in the very-near future!