How to Get Skinny Girls when You’re Fat: Part 1

I have had the absolute privilege of being fat and skinny at various points of my young adult life. In fact, I AM the white, male Oprah. My weight fluctuates between 185 and 245 pounds. I’m 6’1″ and I’m at once athletic, flabby, good looking and totally butt ugly. I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. Like I said, it’s been a privilege. My life experience (though seemingly small at age 25) is vast in terms of the fat/skinny sociological paradigm.

On top of all this, I’m a terrific lover to boot. I’ve made love to all kinds of women; in fact, I’ve made a point of doing it. The difference between sexual intercourse with a fat lady and sexual intercourse with a skinny lady is like the difference between the NFL and Arena Football. One is infinitely better, but you’ll take the other when it’s the only thing around. Alright, that was mean, but I can’t lie. Fat girls are awesome. And let’s get something else out of the way. I have no problem using the word fat. I’m not going to be PC and call these girls obese or overweight, why should I? For one thing, the word “fat” is just shorter and easier to type. Look, if you take offense to someone using the word “fat” liberally, then just tune out. There’s plenty of other (read: incredibly boring) crap on Associated Content. Just move on; you won’t be hurting my feelings. Here we go:

How to Get Skinny Girls When You’re Fat

Listen, if you’re a tubby dude you have to follow one golden ruleâÂ?¦ Lower Your Standards. This is pretty much all you need to know. Just find the girl with the ugliest, most distorted face and go to town. It’s no coincidence that seriously fucked up looking chicks have awesome bodies. They know that their blinding looks aren’t going to help them get A) laid or B) married. So these girls hit the gym and they hit the gym hard. To land these girls with little or know effort just follow these three stepsâÂ?¦

1. Pretend that you’re rich: If you already happen to be rich then you can just skip this step. But if you aren’t it’s really easy to make her think that you are. Just don’t let her see your car, dress nice and go some place cheap-this way when you start throwing money around, you won’t go bankrupt.

2. Be cocky: Like I said before, it won’t take much to land these girls. Just be cocky. Make yourself believe that their busted face is worse than your bulging gut.

3. Turn the lights out: There’s nothing worse than having to look at an ugly chick’s face when she’s naked. So make sure the lights are out (this will also hide your fat to a certain extent). God invented Darkness for a reason.

TO BE CONTINUED