How to Get a Toxic Person Out of Your Mind

So you’ve finally gotten rid of that toxic person in your life. It could be anyone from a narcissistic ex-spouse to a parent who continued to abuse you into adulthood to a “friend” who did nothing but undermine you. Cutting ties with this person was the inevitable result of years of inner turmoil, doubt and hope that things would get better. It’s technically called going no contact, which is not an easy thing to do at all. But you’ve done it and you no longer have to see or talk to the toxic person. There’s just one problem: You can’t get this person out of your mind, heart and soul.

It Shouldn’t Be This Hard, Should It?

Most of the time, people in our lives mean well when they say things like, “Just don’t think about him. You’re giving him too much power.” If only it were that simple. If only the relationship fairy could wave her magic wand and banish the abusive person from your thoughts forever. What people don’t understand is that being in a close or intimate relationship with another person binds you to them spiritually. You can separate yourself physically, but breaking the spiritual bond takes a bit more work. When the relationship was abusive, the words and actions of the other person can remain locked in your soul for years. The toxic person literally becomes a part of you. To get rid of them takes more than just physical distance; it takes a soul cleansing.

My Background

I divorced a narcissist in 2008; yes, it is going on five years. Most of the time, I do just fine. I have been happily re-married for almost three years and my teenage daughters are thriving. However, I had no idea the extent of the damage to my psyche while I was still in my first marriage. If I experience a triggering event, like I did recently when he didn’t pay child support for four months, I can obsess and rage for a long time. I know that isn’t healthy, but it is what it is. An exchange with him can debilitate me for days.

During our marriage, I allowed him to define who I was. He tore me down so he could build himself up. There are times I can still hear his assessment of me: crazy, black-hearted, clueless. I see the disapproving looks, hear the contempt in his voice and am frightened by the anger in his eyes. Did I mention we haven’t been together in almost five years? My life today does not reflect his assessment of me at all. Even more insulting, I am sure that my ex-husband doesn’t give me a second thought. Not that I want him to, but it would seem more just considering how hard I have to work to keep him out of my head. However, my new life is worth the effort. My wonderful new husband and my children deserve all of me, not damaged goods.

The Mental STOP Sign

When I start ruminating or raging about my ex, I like to envision a huge STOP sign in my mind. I put it up the second these thoughts try to take over. I then do anything I can to distract myself. That may include forcing myself to think of something else or engaging in an activity that requires my full concentration. I put up the STOP sign as often as necessary.

I believe there is a negative spiritual force at work that tries to get me to dwell on the past instead of enjoy the present. I can tell when I’m not where I should be when I have anxious dreams several nights in a row. To counter this, I try to express gratitude for my present circumstances. I am truly blessed with a kind-hearted second husband, two awesome teenagers and the ability to write for a living. If necessary, I obsess on that until the old, icky thoughts go away. I love my life today and wouldn’t go back in time for a million dollars.

Evidence to the Contrary

Sometimes it is necessary for me to seek affirmations from other people that directly contradict the tapes in my head from my ex-husband. What do I hear? That I am a good and kind person, a supportive friend, a talented writer, a good mother and a loving individual. I look at my husband’s face and see nothing but love and adoration. Perhaps I am not such a flawed person after all. Those words, looks and gestures become my new reality. I can choose not to let the past projection of my ex have any effect on my present situation. It was very liberating when I realized that much of what my ex said about me were only projections of what he felt about himself.

Rely on Yourself

It’s likely that you became quite co-dependent in your relationship with a toxic person. He or she may have subtlety or not-so-subtlety given you the message that you can’t get by on your own. If you hear the toxic person saying “you’re nothing without me” in your mind, turn off the tape. Start pushing yourself to do things you would have never attempted to do while you were still in the relationship. I was amazed at my own strength after my divorce and it is still a source of great pride to me. The more you create a life apart from the person who caused you so much pain, the easier it will be to stop dwelling on the past.

Prayer or Meditation

You don’t have to subscribe to a certain religious belief to benefit from prayer or meditation. There are plenty of self-help books available that provide you with positive affirmations and a specific topic to meditate on. As a Christian, one thing that helps me is imagining taking all of the emotional junk in my head and heart and laying it at the foot of the cross. In essence, I am releasing myself of the burden and giving it to God to carry. How you get to the point of release is not important; it only matters that you are willing to give up the thoughts and memories that are holding you back.

Professional Help

There is no shame in getting therapy to help you get past a destructive relationship, especially if you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A skilled therapist can provide you with tools to free your mind and heart so you can move forward. You may backslide from time to time, but with practice you won’t stay down for long. If you feel that you have tried everything and still can’t unburden yourself of the toxic person, don’t hesitate to get therapy.

Set a Goal of Indifference

The true victory in healing from an abusive relationship is when you feel neither love nor hate for the toxic person, but indifference. You will know you have arrived when you have no reaction whatsoever to seeing the person or hearing about something he or she did indirectly. It can be challenging when the toxic person is an ex-spouse and you are forced to have some contact due to your children. However, it’s not impossible when you are committed to reclaiming your mind and heart. After awhile, toxic people’s behavior becomes predictable and you don’t have to let it upset you or stay lodged in your mind. You may one day even be able to tolerate being in that person’s presence if absolutely necessary.