How to Give the Gift of Happiness to Children
My initial reaction rose from my offbeat sense of humor. A snicker. Oh, my god! A girl whose IQ really does match her bra size. Then, as can happen with my offbeat sense of humor, I was ashamed of myself. I wondered, what kind of parenting had this girl received? What did her mother and father do…or not do…that made her equate her personal worth with the size of her breasts?
In fact, the rest of the story related to that issue. All the commentators agreed that plastic surgery is a blessing to correct medical problems, such as a cleft palate. But purely cosmetic procedures for physically normal high school kids? One therapist wondered what the kids…and the parents…would do when the novelty wears off the nose jobs, cheek implants or enlarged boobs. The kids will be stuck with the same basic problem: a negative self-image. For which, in fact, there is no quick fix.
The discussion that followed centered on the fact that parents want to their kids to be happy. Well, of course! Every parent wants to be a hero. Most parents, myself included, have a burning desire to make life better for their children than it was for them. The trouble is, we tend to overcompensate, often trying, in our desperation, to buy something that simply can’t be bought. In the process, we duck reality, thereby creating a no-win situation. The truth is that life can be unhappy. Our task is to teach children that they can cope.
One terrible year when I was a single mother barely keeping my head above water, a friend gave me a framed proverb that reads, “He who wants to live his life should equip himself with a heart which can stand suffering. Man must realize that life is sometimes good and sometimes bad. Only he is worthy of respect who is grateful for the good and knows how to bear evil.”
Kids need to know they will have their share of troubles, and they need to understand parents are not magic wands who can wave problems away. The pursuit of happiness may be an unalienable right, but happiness itself is not. Nor is happiness a commodity people can acquire with a trip to the mall, the doctor, or the refrigerator. Parents must teach children that being happy comes from within. Then we must show them how to seek and achieve it.
Although based on individual temperament, in the main, happiness consists of a person making a commitment to hope and faith. Obviously, parents play a crucial role in shaping a child’s temperament. But helping children develop a sense of their worth and confidence in their own abilities provides the foundation for their personal empowerment.
While I firmly believe parents should move heaven and earth to help their children, we need to consider what will help and what actually may hinder. For example, gifts are a sign of love that every child deserves from time to time. Remember, however, being given things does not empower children. On the contrary, it can cause the Poor Little Rich Kid syndrome. Children get everything under the sun, but still they’re miserable.
In fact, parents walk a fine line. The more we do for our children, the more they depend on us. If we fulfill all their needs, wants, and desires, they rely less on themselves and work less to develop their own resources. But then what happens when they go out on their own? When Mom and Dad can’t be there to assist them? Too often, they fall flat, and they blame their parents. In a worst case scenario, they can become “emotional charity” cases, unable to face accountability and accept responsibility.
As a single mother, I tried to give my kids everything I could. I worked long hours, going deep into debt, so they would have nice clothes, musical instruments, and orthodontics. Whatever demand they made, I tried to accommodate them. I knew life was getting out of hand, however, when my fourteen year old severely berated me because we did not own a Ferrari.
Years later, I learned my kids were never happy. As much as they wanted the gifts I provided, they felt that I substituted “things” for love. They hated my absence our home and viewed it as neglect. But, worst of all, their total dependence on me had left them with feelings of fear, self-doubt, and incompetence.
Think about it. Did you ever meet an insecure child who is truly happy? Feeling incompetent and unfulfilled, they often lock themselves into sorrow, guilt, and anger. On the other hand, the human brain is wired in such a way that feelings of worth and competence inspire feelings of happiness. Indeed, the first step toward making children happy is to promote their self-esteem. The second step is to help them communicate their problems to us. The third step is to help them find solutions.
Of course, sometimes tough love will be essential. In the case of a teenager who pleads, “I need bigger breasts.” Is that the time to break out your check book? Or is it the time to say, “Why do you think so?” The answer probably is, “I’ll be popular.”
Frankly, my response would be, “With whom?” But perhaps a more sensitive reply is, “People who like you because you have big breasts are not the kind of people you need in your life. Let’s figure a way for you find some real friends.”
Or, if the girl is adamant, the answer might be, “Okay. Get a job. Save your money. When you reach legal age, you can do what you want.” (In my case, this tactic quickly settled all issues about the Ferrari.)
Brace yourself for a tantrum, because probably you will get one. Of course, kids are great at emotional blackmail. I know a teenager who actually threatened to kill herself if her parents wouldn’t get her nose fixed. When a child goes to such extremes, seek professional help immediately. If the kid is bluffing, (s)he will see the ploy did not work and abandon it. If not (s)he is not bluffing, the kid is in trouble too deep for you to handle alone.
Some parents are reluctant to begin family counseling, fearing that it reflects badly on them. Don’t let your pride overcome your good judgment. If your child falls and breaks an arm, would you get help? Of course you would. Kids can also have mental, spiritual, and emotional breaks that need treatment. Your unwillingness to provide such help leaves the injury untreated. Like any other untreated wound, it will only grow and fester. Nip small ills in the bud before they become serious issues that can leave permanent scars.
