How to Have a Best Friend of the Opposite Sex

The term best friend seems so junior high – when you go around signing notes to each other with BFF (Best Friends Forever) but we all know what that means. A best friend is someone you can pour your heart out to and they never judge you, they only listen. A best friend is someone who knows just by the sound of your voice what you mood is that day and is always willing to cheer you up if you need it or calm you down or just smile along with you. So seldom do you find best friends of opposite sex. It seems that we are conditioned to be less communicative with the opposite sex. As a woman, you just don’t talk to your father that way you can with your mother, or sister/brother, or aunt/uncle. It seems that we are brainwashed into believeing that only members of our sex can related to how we feel and what we observe.

I must admit, that until the year I turned 38, I had not met anyone who I would call a best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I had many friends, good friends of both sexes. People who I trusted and looked forward to talking to and spending time with. People who really mattered to me. But no best friend. And then, when I least expected to find one, I found my best friend. I’ll call him Jon, because that’s his name. Now strangely enough, Jon and I met on eharmony. I had been single for a few (ok more than a few) years and Jon was newly single. We talked for a few months on-line and by phone and then one weekend we met. I could tell the minute I looked in his eyes that he accepted me just the way I was, warts and all. (that’s just an expression, I don’t really have warts) That weekend began a six month long dating type relationship that even though it was long distance, built a bond between us that continues to grow. I could tell him anything and know that it would be ok. He could do likewise and know that I would still love him. As time went by, the dating relationship stopped and the friendship grew. We helped each other through some difficult times and transitions in a manner that only best friends could do with no expectation of repayment, no thought that we had any other choice but to assist and no motive other than to be there for each other.

Then crisis of all crisis, Jon’s ex came back in the picture. The one that still had ahold of his heart so tightly that he couldn’t allow himself to love anyone else. The one who had tortured his thoughts daily for the past two years. The one that I had secretly hoped would run off to mexico with someone and never be heard from again. And why would this be considered a crises to a best friend? Shouldn’t you want your best friend to be happy? Of course, you should. And I did! I knew that he still loved her (although for the life of me I couldn’t understand why) and that he wanted to make it work with her if that was at all possible. But my concern, and I try not to make it just about me, was that he wouldn’t have the time for or the need of a best friend anymore. I have found that with true best friends, nothing and noone will come between you unless you let them.

So, here are the steps to take to make sure your friendship survives a relationship:

1. Be open and honest (but try not to be whiny and demanding) about your concerns and fears. Just like every other topic with your best friend, this one should not be off limits.
2. Understand that you and your friend don’t have to make a choice between a relationship and your friendship. It is healthy to be in a love relationship that allows for other friendships. Watch out for red flags that would appear that your best friend’s lover is not ok with his continuing friendship with you. These too should be discussed so that it is clear from all perspectives what expectations are. If you no longer have a monopoly on your best friend’s free time, make sure you both find a way to communicate on a regular basis – email, phone calls etc to keep the channels open.
3. Make sure that you and your best friend make plans for outings with the new person on the scene, to help her be comfortable with the friendship.
4. Make sure that you and your best friend make plans for time alone. Because there are still times and things to be said where two is all the company you need. She may be his girlfriend and the one he’s in love with, but she doesn’t have to be involved overly in your friendship.
5. Remember, with true best friends, nothing can come between you unless you allow it to. Be open, be flexible and be secure in your knowledge that best friends can be forever.

Now, how can we as adults call our best friend by that juvenile term? Isn’t there something else we can call it? Like maybe the following: The other pea in my pod, my soul buddy, the missing half; obviously this still needs work. How about significant partner?