How to Help Someone Who is Grieving
Nothing makes us more uncomfortable than dealing with loss, whether it be loss of life, loss of hopes, loss of possessions, loss of health, or loss of friendships. Each of us processes and categorizes these differently, yet we all experience these situations throughout our lives. We struggle through, not only when it happens to us personally, but also when others close to us are in the midst of loss.
Sadly, we often haphazardly try to help and fumble over what to say or how to help someone who is grieving. We try to take away the pain, we try to distract, and sometimes we try to avoid. When someone is grieving, what he or she needs more than our solution is our concern.
How do we offer concern without stumbling over ourselves? Stop for a moment and uncomfortably put yourself in the other person’s situation, void of your own perception and experiences. For example, a friend of mine had miscarried. She was devastated, especially as it took her years to have this pregnancy. Nothing I could say would return her hope or her baby. I had no idea that this loss was a part of a series of losses for her. If we have never experiences such a situation, we would have little understanding to offer. Comments like, “Maybe it wasn’t meant to be,” or “Maybe this wasn’t God’s will,” or “You can have another one” may do more harm than good. What about the friend whose home burnt down? Offering comments like “Its good you have insurance,” or “You can build another one” doesn’t bring the home back, nor does it bring back the family heirlooms or family photographs that were lost. We must see the loss through other’s eyes rather than our own if we are to help.
Comments like “I am so sorry for your loss,” or “I am sorry for all that you’ve gone through,” or “I wish I could change things for you” are more helpful than our own elaborate explanations of their situations. We can validate that they are experiencing something very difficult. Interpreting their situations for them infers that you know more about their experience than they do. My motto in such situations: “Keep it simple and genuine.” Grief is complicated and we can rarely fathom the implications of each unique situation others’ face. Strive to show concern rather than interpretation.
Offer your time by brief visits, bringing dinner over, and offering to help around the house or with the kids. Don’t offer a “call me if you need anything” statement as it’s likely you won’t get a call. Grief takes energy and most people go through a time of chaos before they are back on their own feet. Keep in mind that some people are more private by nature and will likely be more private in grief as well. Help as you can without prying, yet reaffirm your concern.
Send cards, not just sympathy or get well cards, but also thinking of you and friendship cards. Send a postcard with the comment “Saw this and thought of you.” If this is someone who would periodically receive a letter or a phone call from you, continue to do so rather than shying away at the time. Our natural tendency is trip over ourselves; however, try to take a step back and see it through another’s eyes. A card or a telephone call may be a needed reminder of your concern.
In the future, remember anniversary losses: a year from the event, a lost loved one’s birthday, or a widow’s wedding anniversary. First holidays are also difficult. Think about the things the person may have lost in addition to their loved one, health, possessions, and so on. A person starting a lengthy medical treatment after discovering they have a chronic illness may need some additional encouragement as their life has just been rearranged. Consider the loss of activity, family events, and independence this person must be facing. A widow may not have lost only her husband, but also her friend group, which consisted of other couples. A person who lost his or her home might have difficulty doing things a new way in their new home. Events and anniversaries can be secondary losses that are easily overlooked.
There are many things we can do to help people who are grieving various types of losses. Most are easy to do if we can first stop trying to see the loss through our own eyes. We may have no idea what the loss means to the person’s unique situation, but we can show the person the most important gift we can give: our genuine concern.
