How to Help a Child Cope with Parental Separation
If the child has opted to leave, such as going to camp, he can begin with much confidence only to find later that he’s hopelessly homesick. Talk to your child long before he goes to camp about the day he leaves and what it might be like to be at camp. Mention your feelings when you were young, at camp and homesick. Don’t stress the point over and over but mention that there could come a time when he is homesick. Of course, most kids will act as though this won’t happen to them and you may feel as though the child really isn’t listening. However, if the time comes that the child does get homesick, he will remember your words. Tell him that if he does get home sick he has options.
One option is to stay and hope the feeling leaves as he becomes more involved in the activities. Another is to ask a counselor if he can call home. A third is, after careful consideration, leaving camp early to go home. Children should not be encouraged to take the third option, since this will likely result in him being ridiculed by the other kids or in having feelings of embarrassment or self-disappointment. On the other hand, issues about being away from home can intensify if the child is forced to stay when he wants to leave. Tell him that you would prefer, if the time should come, for him to call you so you can talk to him about his feelings.
Smaller kids may take comfort in knowing that they have something from home at camp with them. Toys of their own can help particularly if they have a favorite doll or stuffed animal. If they don’ t have a favorite toy, give them something special of yours, and ask them to keep it with them until they come home. This way the child realizes that you expect him to be home soon. And, when he’s particularly blue or lonely, he can look at the object and hold it. The child will have a tendency to recall any words that you said when giving him the object, so give it to him with words of cheer and expectation. Say things like “I will miss you so I wanted to send a little something of mine to be with you” or “In case I get lonely while you’re gone I’m giving you this and I’ll think about it – and you – until you get back”. This takes the pressure off of them and lets them know that even adults get lonely and sad sometimes.
If the child is at an age where this discussion may make him uneasy, slip something of yours into his bag without his knowledge. Not a note or letter that could be read by others and ridiculed, but a little something that will make him smile when he sees it. This will help to remove feelings of being all alone and reinstate the fact that you are thinking of him as well.
Separation from parents, through no fault of the child, such as divorce, can be especially horrifying to a child or a teen. The feeling of no control or say-so in the situation is overwhelming and in addition, the loss itself can be extremely hurtful. If a separation or divorce is looming, speak to your children before the actual change in address happens for one parent. Don’t wait until the parent moves out, while the children are away at school, then try to change the subject when it arises. Instead, stress that the separation or divorce is through no fault of their own and that you, too, are saddened by it. Letting the child know that you “made” the spouse move out isn’t going to win any applause with the kids. Talk honestly with your kids, unless they are extremely young, and tell them that although you both love them, you can’t seem to get along with each other. And rather than have them see you crying, arguing, or worse, you both decided to have separate homes. Tell them that this choice was made because now they can both see you in a setting where they are not angry and upset. Let the children know how often they will be seeing the other parent and keep your word. Make sure there are regular days that they can see each other and that these dates are kept almost religiously.
Most any child will have issues to contend with after a parent moves out so seek counseling for your child if needed. Even if you feel as though the child is adapting just fine, it’s a wise idea to at least allow them a few sessions where they can speak with someone, in private, about their feelings. Obviously, if the child blames you, he can’t say that so he hides it. Hiding feelings can only result in future problems.
It’s a similar yet different situation when a parent is sick and hospitalized. Again, be honest. If the parent is having surgery, explain it to the children. Tell them that after the surgery, Mommy or Daddy will need some recovery time but will eventually be back to normal. If the parent has a fatal illness it’s a little more difficult to protect yet be honest with your kids. Never tell them straight out that the parent is dying. Instead, be there as often as possible and celebrate special days in-hospital. Keeping the children from the parents during this horrible time is not the wisest decision. Allow the children to see the ill parent as often as possible, with phone calls in between, when possible. There are groups who specialize in helping all members of a family that are going through a situation such as this.
A parent in jail or prison is even more traumatic for children old enough to understand. They have to cope with the fact that one of the parents is gone in addition to the embarrassment or humiliation they might face in the outside world. Only you, as the parent, can decide if you think it’s best to keep your child away from this environment or to allow them to see the incarcerated parent on a regular basis. If you’ve decide to allow them to visit explain to them that Mommy or Daddy made a mistake, as anyone can do, and now must pay for that mistake. Again, there are organizations that specialize in helping children, and spouses, get through this trying and painful time in their lives.
Honesty is usually the best policy when a parent is missing from the home, for whatever reason. If you feel like your child cannot handle the entire truth don’t go to measures of making up bold lies which will probably be discovered at a later time. Simply say that he or she will be home as soon as he can and that he or she had business, but will be returning. Keep kids as active and challenged as possible and don’t allow them to sit around and ponder the sadness. If you act like life is going to go on they’ll do better in the long run. If you act like the separation is killing you, by drinking or going into depression, it will be more painful for them. Try to put aside your own pain and help your children the best you can.
