How to Prepare for a Divorce Mediation……For Ladies in the Prime of Their LIfe
It wasn’t the first time, in the past year, that I was dumbfounded. I think the first time was when I was standing in the kitchen, preparing a big dinner salad for hubby. (He always insisted on 7 different vegetables in the bowl.) He walked in, and quite matter-of-factly said that his (new) mistress was a lot skinnier than me.
And, here I was, a year later, and still awestruck by my naivete.
“Oh, I guess I can put it up.” I smiled back at Mr. Attorney.
“Yes. Please do. See you tomorrow.”
Well, that was it, ladies. My total preparation for my divorce mediation was not very complete. But, several days later, I began making notes about the sort of advice that I would give, that is if I ever learned how to use a computer – at the age of 48. I guess you could say that this new experience was my wake-up call. Unfortunately, the coffee being served has been, up until now, a tad on the bitter side. Well, what are you going to do? In the wiseness of middle age, one thing I’ve learned is that 90% of survival is just getting one foot in front of the other – and doing a whole bunch of praying.
In the following paragraphs, I’m going to focus on some preparation that a lady should do, before she walks into the mediation room. “But”, you ask, “Shouldn’t your advice be the same for men, as for women?”. No. For one thing, I’m a middle aged lady, so I’m telling some of my story, from my point of view. The other thing is that, whether we like to admit it or not, our society hasn’t really caught up ideals of twenty-first century life. Most married ladies still make less money than their husbands, depend on them to do the taxes, fix their computers, take their cars to the mechanic, shovel the walk, and just about anything else that seems boring, or cumbersome. So, what happens when the husband suddenly turns, like a Doberman Pincher? Many ladies find themselves scrambling to catch up with the rest of the world, and feeling like an awkward, bumbling fool.
But, we’re not fools. We just need a little more education. It’s probably not the type that Mom gave you. She was well meaning, and did her best, but giving advice like, “Always make sure you keep your own checking account, savings account and credit cards, copies of all tax and house papers, an up-to-date resume, and a steady job.” probably wasn’t the last thing she said, before you walked down the aisle. “Honey, let me put grandma’s necklace on you.” was more like it. Too bad she didn’t tell you to hide it away, for the night hubby walked out the door, and you needed cash to take Tommy to the dentist the next day.
The most important thing you always need, upon walking into an attorney’s office is a clip board, a legal pad and pen. (Don’t assume he or she is going to provide you with one, gratis. These guys charge you, sweethearts, for every sneeze and burp. The day you receive your attorney’s bill, you’ll need to be sitting down, preferably not on the legal firm’s toilet seat – since they’d proabably charge you for the paper (by the sheet), and add it to your detailed account. ) Clipboards always make you feel more business like, and you’ll need a whole pack of legal pads. Why? Because, dears, you’re going to be asking many, many questions. And, hopefully, writing all of the answers down. If the attorney is speaking too fast, impatiently, or in that superior tone that permeates legal and medical offices (particularly where women are concerned), ask him or her to stop – and slow down. Remember; he (or she) is working for you – regardless of whom is paying for it. You are going to feel intimidated by all of the legal and financial jargon. That’s normal. The stupid thing is to assume that every other legal client knows what these folks are talking about, and that you’re just very slow. That’s the farthest thing from the truth. And, lawyers are notoriously impatient. Why? Because their time is money. And, they enjoy making lots of it. So, as long as they feel they’ve given you all of the needed information, they’re happy to move on to the next client, or court case. And, before you know it, you’re standing in the parking lot, sweating under your jacket, and wondering just what went on upstairs. And, you’re feeling totally overwhelmed, and undereducated. So, as I said, carry a packet of legal pads, brand new pens (leave the laptop at home, for right now – though, you’ll make use of it, during the mediation), and an attitude.
What did I say? That 90% of getting through a stomach-flipping experience is putting one foot in front of the other? Well, the other 10% is attitude. I’m not talking about the Polyanna one: “Oh, everything is wonderful!”. I’m referring to another sort; this kind of attitude is the assertiveness that lets folks know you really don’t enjoy being taken for an idiot. The kind you need, like one of those lifeboats used in ‘Titanic’, for situations just like this one. How do you get such an attitude? Well, it’s like anything else. You have to practice it. (You didn’t learn how to drive on major highways, by doing it just one time, did you? By the way, you do drive on major highways, and at night, don’t you? I know what’s it like being part of a couple; the guy usually ends up driving at night, etc. Well, that’s gone. Get out there, and drive; your survival will depend on it. Oh, you do know where your spare tire is, I assume? One day, on the way to a job interview, several months after my divorce, I had a flat tire (in the middle of a 100 degree day; naturally, I was wearing stockings and pumps). After calling AAA (and discovering that hubby had cancelled my membership), I opened the car trunk – only to discover that my spare tire was….gone. What had happened to it? Who knows…the car was 7 years old. Probably, a few years before, it had been used, and never put back. Anyhow, there I am, standing in the middle of a Texas July afternoon – and running late for the job interview. [If you want to know the rest of the story, you’ll have to read my book, “David and Goliath: Psalms for Ladies in Divorce”. I’ve sent it to publishers, but, it hasn’t gotten any attention – yet.]
Another thing, which I learned about attorneys, is that the bill isn’t over, until it’s over. Even if a particular amount was agreed upon, at the time of paying the retainer, that amount doesn’t include paperwork AFTER the divorce decree is signed. Be aware of this, ladies. Even if hubby agrees to pay for your attorney, he most likely won’t be responsible for ALL of it. So, be very careful about making phone calls, sending emails, requesting forms to be xeroxed, chit chatting with the secretary about your in-law problems, speaking to the paralegal about the location of divorce support groups, etc. (Oh? Haven’t you heard about divorce support groups? They’re extremely helpful, and a whole lot cheaper than going to a therapist. The one I attended, at a local church, was free; the workbook was $15, and you could attend it as long as you needed. I began attending mine as soon as hubby announced to me, in person [he thought that would be kinder], that I would served with a divorce petition. It turned out to be one of the smarter decisions I’ve made, up to date.) Please remember, even though you’ve paid your attorney for a retainer, the RETAINER is exactly what it implies. It retains that person for your legal services, but, it DOES NOT signal the end of your financial commitment. And, ladies, when you’re sitting in your ATTORNEY’S OFFICE, please refrain from talking about anything not scheduled for discussion, i.e., your insomnia, nightmares about hubby, bitterness about the new girlfriend, dieting, what was on TV last night, sobbing hysterically at 4 in the morning, the issues with your current therapist, the issues with your mother-in-law, etc. Every nano second in his or her office is another number added to your bill. With regards to ANYTHING dealing with your attorney’s office, just imagine a big time clock ticking somewhere. And, it’s got your number on it.
What should you do, the night before your mediation day? First, there are several things that you SHOULDN’T do. This list come under the heading of “How to be a Simpleton”, which includes: drinking (everything but water), [Do you really want to come to your mediation with a hangover, or tummy problems from caffeine?], taking pills (that aren’t on your daily schedule, and haven’t been approved by a medical doctor) – [Do you want to have to argue about child support, alimony, or division over property, in the midst of grogginess, dizziness, a bad headache, or nausea?], and spending hours on the phone with empathetic – BUT EXTREMELY CURIOUS – girlfriends, and relatives. Note here, ladies: be very careful about going on and on, to folks about your divorce. Things have a way of getting back to the wrong people (i.e. hubby’s attorney), and you don’t want to jeopordize anything regarding life-influential things like child support, and community property rights. Another thing is that morbid curiosity is part of human nature; folks just like to hear about other folks’ problems. Why? Who knows? The important thing is that you keep that in mind – and learn how to curb your rambling tongue. It can be done. LIke being assertive, you just need to practice it. Some other things on the NOT TO DO list are: seeking companionship [Are you out of your mind?], going shopping [Yes, ladies. I know. Shopping is comfort food to most of us. But, you’ve got enough issues right now, and adding to your credit card bills isn’t one of them.], going through 20 year old pictures, of when you and hubby were dating [Sentimentality has its own place, in time. The night before arguing over a financial, and perhaps, custody settlement, isn’t it. Leave the box of photos, and memoribilia, for another more appropriate time – and forget about it.], calling hubby (and hanging up, etc.) [NO. This is an absolute no-no. As much as you might be harboring a tiny speck of hope in your Pandora’s box, refrain yourself, please. You would be very surprised at how hubby (and his attorney) might wish to use your lamentating, soulful, desires for their own financial gain. I know, ladies. It’s an ugly thought. But, divorce is ugly business. Those Hollywood endings we all watched, as kids, just aren’t part of real life. Don’t let your romantic side jeopordize your future security. Leave all of that melancholic, sentimental stuff for the therapist’s office.], going running at midnight, just to make yourself sleepy [Forget it. This comes under the ‘Are you out of your mind?’ column. I know it’s the 21st century and all, but, human nature hasn’t changed since the cave-people days. If you were Catty Cave Girl, would you leave your warm abode, to run about on a moonlit (or not) night? Probably not, unless you were accompanied by a pack of (very protective) wolves. So, unless you’re feeding and pampering a pack of German Shepards, refrain yourself from meandering about, on foot, in the
heat of the night. Stay home, keep your door locked (hopefully, you had that keybolt changed after the divorce petition was issued), and drink some warm milk. Chances are, you’ll live longer.], or watching too much TV [Do you want a migraine the next morning? You’ve got enough on your plate, as it is.].
Is there anything else, that you shouldn’t do? Sure. You can make your own list. Do you know what common sense is? Mama Nature gave it to you. Now, use it.
What are some things, that you SHOULD do, the night before your mediation? I know this might sound silly, but I actually packed an exercise bag. I don’t exercise much, so it wasn’t filled with the obvious. (Plus, I wasn’t allowed to leave the building, once the mediation began. This law might not pertain everywhere; you’d have to check with your attorney.) A few of the items I put in the bag were: a bible [Divorce is always a great time for some spiritual strengthening, ladies. You’re going to need it.], a walkman and music tapes, an audio book {I chose a Sue Grafton mystery; her character, Kinsey Milhone, is a very savvy, and assertive gal – just the right role model for situations such as a divorce mediation], aspirin, an ice bag, a pillow [You’d be surprised at all of the ‘down’ time during legal battles. I actually spent moments, here and there, lying on my attorney’s expensively carpeted floor, amidst musty-smelling law books, taking a well-needed snooze.], some sandwiches [Peanut butter is a good choice. Forget the jelly. The brand is up to you. Just remember; you’re probably on a tight budget now.], bottles of plain water [Today isn’t the day for drinking coffee, ladies. Do you want to have to jump up, during negotiating for property settlement, because you have diarrhea? Mediations operate on a strict time schedule, and you want to agree to a settlement BEFORE it ends up in court. Of course, sometimes, court procedure is necessary. But, judges are very conservative fellows, and you’re more likely to reach a more favorable settlement – out of the courtroom.], candy bars (unless they’re medically prohibited), cheese or peanut butter crackers [Do you want to be found wandering the halls, in search of a candy bar, and run into hubby? Oh, by the way, running into hubby DOES NOT necessarily have to be an issue. It probably depends on your situation. I requested that my husband and I meet in SEPARATE mediation rooms. In fact, I insisted on it. I arranged, ahead of time, for us to arrive at different times, and come through different entrances. After the mediation was over, I waited until hubby had left the building, and was seen driving out of the parking lot. Yeah, maybe I seem a little weak at heart, (and in the stomach) for doing it that way. But, ladies, you need all the protection you can get. And, I’m not referring to physical protection (which should be assumed). You need to protect yourselves, emotionally, and keep your guard up. Now isn’t the time for breaking into uncontrollable sobs, or hysteria. You’ve got too much riding on your ability to STAY COOL. Why do you have to do everything to stay cool? Well, minor things like child custody, child support, division of property, and alimony have something to do with it. If you have to bring every version of the bible in your knapsack, so do it. Just keep the hysterics, anger, and melancholy for when you’re home, and noshing on some chocolate icecream (preferably the store brand; remember, you’re on a stricter budget, now).], an extra pair of (good) reading glasses (for all ot those pesky facts and figures), your cell phone (fully charged), your CPA’s cell number [You HAVE hired a CPA, haven’t you? Oh, ladies. This is more important than looking for a therapist, believe me. Attorneys ARE NOT EXPERTS at everything – including tax laws. You really don’t want to sign on the decreed dotted line, until you’ve double-checked all the dots and dashes – with your CPA. So, get one. Today.], that good friend, or relative’s cell number (for when you’re going insane, and need a moment of respite), a couple of sanitary pads [Yes. I know. You just had your period, last week. Or, perhaps, you’re all done with that stuff. But, ladies, we all know how our bodies can retaliate – particularly during times of stress. Better to have some on hand, rather than searching for a female paralegal or associate in the building, or scrambling for dropped coins in your purse (only to discover that the vending machine is empty).], any other important phone numbers (i.e. babysitters, the day care), your laptop (for researching minor details like Social Security Disability laws, etc.) [No. Your attorney ISN’T familiar with all of that stuff. And, his paralegal is always busy. You have a responsiblity, to yourself and/or your children, to do every bit of homework possible – on everthing affected by the settlement. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that your attorney is ‘going to take care of everything’. That’s a very naive belief. Don’t wait until it’s too late, to make changes, and/or phone calls. We’re talking about survival here, ladies.], and, most importantly, that attitude we were discussing earlier. Now, make your own list of things to take.
Before I close, ladies, I’d like you to reread the first paragraph. Yes, my attorney was being a little insensitive. But, he was right. Courtrooms are very business-like places. Judges are conservative people. When you walk into the mediation, or courtroom, BE DRESSED AS IF YOU WERE GOING INTO A JOB INTERVIEW (for a professional position). Before you leave the house, look in a full length mirror. (If you have to run to your neighbor’s house to do it, that’s fine.) Are the make-up, shoes, jewelry, hair style, nylons, dress and/or skirt (and jacket) ready for approval by a potential employer? If they’re not, turn around, and start over. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to leave the contacts at home. You certainly don’t want to have to mess with saline solution, and tired, dry eyes, in the middle of a court procedure. Also, it helps to be wearing glasses – even if you don’t need them. Glasses add a touch of concentration, intelligence, and seriousness, to your demeanor. Women, due to the media, and just about everthing else in society, are seen as being neuotic, co-dependent, overly-emotional, jealous, ditzy, and romantic. So, how do you counteract those generalizations, on your court day? Be a wonderful surprise. And, remember, ladies: the homework. Always do your homework.
Good luck!
