How to Survive a Menial Job

The working world is the province of boredom and ill will. Unfortunately, it’s also the province of money, which makes it rather essential. We’re all trapped in a horrible cycle. We need money to do the stuff that we love. We need a job to get the money. While working a job, we don’t have time to spend the money. Hence, life continues, and everyone feels robbed of something somewhere down the line.

I worked for four years as a dishwasher in a resturant. Every day presented the same problems to me. I would wake up, go to work, hate how disgusting the job was, and then go home to peel a layer of grime off of myself and crawl into bed. The days I had off were filled with phone calls telling me to come in, and due to the fact that I was one of the few people who never came into work drunk or hungover, I was a bit of a demand.

Then one day, something happened. I went horribly, blissfully, insane and spent all of my spare time trying to make life confusing and awkward for everyone around me. What follows is a list of things that you too can do at your disgusting, if necessary, job. And yes, I actually did try every one of these.

1. Start using a strange word in every day conversation. I thought long and hard about this one, and eventually chose the word “bequeath”. It has to be a challenging word to use, or else you’ll never stick with it. Insanity is all about persistence!
Anyway, as soon as someone else catches on to what you’re doing, quit using the word. Tell them you never used to use it. The ultimate goal, remember, is to make everyone else think they’re going crazy too.

2. A tip jar can bring hours of endless fun to your usual routine. It doesn’t matter what you do- accounting, cubicle work, fast food, or prostitution. Just always make sure you have a jar with a few pennies in it to rattle at someone every time they ask you to do something. Don’t expect money, though. During my stint with the tip jar, all I got were three pennies, a french fry, a handful of cheese, and a note telling me to kill myself. I still think I made out like a bandit.

3. With the magic of scotch tape, place a cheerful face on the wall. Give it a goofy name life “smilin’ jack” or “grinnin’ joe”. Then make sure everyone sees the thing, and acknowledges it’s presence. Have people wave to it as they walk by. Eventually, some fun-hating buffoon will rip your poor new wall friend down and tell you to quit goofing off. That’s when you put up a new face when no one’s looking, this one angry and wrathful, and declare that they have angered the benevolent and horrible wall spirit. It may be a bit excessive, but just watch as the time flies by as people give you concerned looks.

4. Write a newsletter when you go away on vacations to keep your coworkers company during your absence. Make sure to talk about everything from talking dogs to how much your job sucks. Amazing fact! As long as you say it with a smile and a mischevious look in your eye, you can get away with saying anything. Actually, this one backfired on me. When I got back, everyone demanded I write more of them. Still, it helped to pass the time…

5. Find a five gallon bucket and stick a roughly drawn picture of your boss/manager to it. Declare bucket manager to be superior to all the other managers out there, and offer to have the bucket fight anyone who feels differently. Make sure you cry bitterly as soon as someone punts your new boss across the parking lot. People seem a little paranoid around people who talk to inaninmate objects!

There are, of course, plenty of other ways to introduce your brand of crazy to the world, but those are for you to find. If you get started on the ones I listed above, you’ll be on the fast track to freaking out your esteemed coworkers in no time! Remember. You’re an individual! Break past that wall of sanity and embrace your inner crazy.

I promise. The work day will really fly by.