How to Take Out the Trash

The first step (and actually the most important of the steps) is identifying the problem. If your trash can lid no longer closes and/or there is trash piled on the side of the trash can, this is a signal to take it out.

A few other clues: if there are flies swirling around the can, the smell is something you can actually taste in the back of your throat when you walk into the room, or you need to wear a Haz-Mat suit to enter your kitchen, it’s time for the trash to go.

Unless you are hiding a billion dollars inside the trash can–anything less than that is inexcusable–the trash must be removed at this point. Don’t panic. Educational level, income level, race and gender play no role in this job.

I did consult with a very good friend of mine, Chris Mushrush, a full-time non-tenure track instructor in the Department of Economics at Illinois State University. The question I posed to Mr. Mushrush was: “An average garbage can is 13 gallons. How much on average would a bag of trash weigh?”

Mr. Mushrush, who is never shocked at any question I ask him, responded thus:

“A gallon is a measurement of volume, which is separate from weight. Whatever is inside the gallon can weigh a whole lot or almost nothing (think of 13 gallons of pure iron vs. 13 gallons of air). You’ve got the same problem with a 13-gallon trash bag…it all depends on what you’ve got in there…is it 13 gallons of empty gallon jugs or 13 gallons of sand? Has it been smashed down so more could fit, or is it loosely in the bag? Adding to the problem is what type of bag you’re using…Glad vs. Hefty…”Ultra flex”…different thickness.”

“Here’s probably the easiest way to get a good estimate,” continued Mushrush. “Get your kitchen garbage bag full of your normal stuff. Hop on a scale with and without you holding the garbage bag and see what the difference is. You could just put the bag on the scale, but it A) might not fit on there and give you a bad reading; B) might leak on your scale, which would make you never want to use it again; or C) might not weigh enough to register on certain scales. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s somewhere around 10-15 pounds.”

I’m going to save my scale and go with the average of 10-15 pounds. If you can lift 10-15 pounds without wetting your pants, you, too, can take out a bag of trash.

Next step is getting the bag out of the can. Troublesome if you live with a trash smasher. I currently live with 3 trash-smashers. A trash-smasher is someone who doesn’t feel qualified to take out the trash (possible trash removal inferiority complex?) so they use their foot to smash the trash into the can as hard as they can.

I feel that people who insist on doing this should have their feet removed by an alligator.

Should your trash bag become so smashed into the can that you can’t easily remove it, you can brace the can between your legs or jam the can up against the wall then use a slight ‘wiggle and pull up’ motion to get the bag out.

If you try to pull the bag out of the can forcefully when it is smashed into the can, it’s going to rip. If the bag does rip, DO NOT PANIC. This does not constitute an emergency situation. Trash has fallen on floors in the past and people have survived. Don’t dial 911 or FEMA. It’s okay, it can be picked up and a second bag may be used in this situation.

Once bag removal has been accomplished (you may find yourself with two bags at this point but, again, that’s okay) you’ll need to secure the bag. If you cannot tie the top of the bag, transfer some of the trash to the second bag.

Now, lift the bag(s) and carry the bag(s) outside the front door to their final resting place before they leave your property altogether.

Don’t relax just yet. You are not finished. The trash can will need a replacement bag. I assure you this is nothing like an organ transplant. It, too, is simple and easy to do.

Find your garbage bags. They are probably under the sink. Maybe in a closet or in a drawer; in any case, locate them. You will only need one, and I am confident that you can lift one empty trash bag without consultation of a doctor.

Remove the trash bag from the box and open it. This may require you to flip the bag to allow air to fill the bag resulting in expansion of said bag. There is a very slight risk of suffocation if you do not flip the bag in an outward motion. Should you flip the bag directly over your head, you’ll suffocate and die. Outward is the only direction you should be flipping your trash bag for inflation.

Put the trash bag into the can from which you removed the full bag. Replace the lid and repeat when signs of fullness begin to show again.

Good luck to you. I know you can do it!