How to Talk To Your Kids About Sex
1. Talking to your kids about sex is YOUR job There is an old and well known saying that says if you want something done right then you really need to just do it yourself. Perhaps no where is this more applicable than in the instance of providing appropriate sex education for your children. You may correctly estimate that you are not the one to teach your children about the biology of sex. There are professionals and curriculum in place in our schools to handle those technical issues. But if you want yoru children to have an opportunity to have a healthy a pproach to sex and to develop an acceptable moral position regarding sex, then you must put aside your own reluctance about talking to your kids about sex and pick up this most important responsibility.
2 Start early Thre is so much open discussion of sex in today’s society that if you don’t begin to talk to your kis about sex early on, you really risk haviang them develop imressions and ideas about sex that run contrary to what you want them to learn. More than giving your kids a headstart in sports by working with them from the very beginning on soccer or baseball skills, parents can make life smoother for their kids if from the beginning they are willing to talk to their kids about sex.
These early discussions do not need, nor should they probably be, full blown discussions of human sexuality or sexual behavior with your four year old. However you can begin with your children at a very early age to respond to sex centered questions as they arise instead of ignoring them or giving childish responses. The key to allowing sex into your conversations is to only answer the question that is being asked by your child. Usually small children are not looking to go too far down the road. Their attention span is limited. Their ability to talk about or understand abstract concepts is nearly non-isitent. But what small children do possess is the ability to sniff out someone who is avoiding a question, giving them a silly answer or not taking them and their question seriously. By answering just the question that is being asked in clear, respectful, age appropriate language tells your kids that they can rely on you to be there for them with the information they need. By repeatedly responding to sex related questions without embarrassment and with honesty you canl let your kids know that sex is a subject that can be talked about at home with you without fear or awkwardness.
Frequent but brief responses to sex centered questions raised by your children is also an easy way to begin to de-mystify the whole subject of sex. What is hidden is a mystery. What is discussed one feels comfortable with. Open discussion with you will reduce the likelihood that yoru child’s sex education will be based on what is see or hear on television or from their friends.
When the time for an in depth discussion of sexual relations arises you will have layed a reliable foundation and established a r elative comfort zone if you have discussed sex issues with your child as they have arisen. What is important in all of these discussisions is that your kis see that you understand sex as a normal part of life and a part of human behavior which should be respected. When the time for that major discussion arrives you will know and you will be able to make that occasion as relaxed as possible because you both will be ready.
3 Be Prepared The Boys SChouts have it right on this one. When you have determined to have a prolonged serious discussion with your pre-adolescent/adolescent about sexual relations. make sure you have adequately prepared. You don’t have to be a talking text book to get your points across. Before you begin talking toyour kids about sex make sure you have decided on 3-5 major points that you want to make and give some serious thought about how youmight develop each. Talking to yorukids about sex is certainly not a time for freelancing or making it up as you go along. IF you try to wing it your kids will recognize that fact and decide that talking to them abaout sex just wasn’t that important to you. It’s a short step for them to decide that the topic itself just isn’t that important at all.
You can feel more confident about talking to yoru kids about sex if you think back to your own growing up and to the questions that were on your mind. It might be helpful to write down a half dozen questions that you think might come up in discussion anda give some thought to how you might answer the.
As youprepare it might also be helpful to talk to other parenst and older siblings to benefit from their e xperiences and thoughts. If two parents are going to talk totheir kids about sex together, y ou may wnat to divid reponsiblity for differennt aspects of teh discussion before it ever begins. If you are talking to your kids about sex alone decide on how to divide your available time. As interesting as sex may be and as anxious as you may be for this discussion to be thorough your kids have a limited attention span and don’t want to spend so much time on window dressing that you wear out your audience before ever getting to your key points.
In preparing your “talk” don’t forget to pack large quantities of of sensitivity. The last thing you want to have happen is for a good discussion to implode because yoru kids started to feel intimadated, embarrassed or in any way put off by what they perceived to be your attitude, reactions or feelings. Your bearing will set the tone for the discussions. If your child canl sense your comfort, ease, openness and caring and he or she will be able to relax and really listen to what you have to offer.
4. Reserve Time for Questions As a paraent you may feel that the most important part of talking to your kis about sex is what you have to say and it may well be. But certainly a close second is what your kids have to ask. The questions your kids ask about sex will give you a good idea about how much they comprehed from what you have shared. It will also give you an idea about what areas are fearful, unclear or curiosity producing for your kis. YOur sincere, calm and respectful response can open the door to more discussion and allow your dhild to really feel comfortable posing his or her questions.
Sometimes questions are hard to verbalize but it is important that talking to your kids about sex does not become a one way street. To help the questionning nprocess along you may want to make anexcuse for leaving the room and allowing the dust to settle. Go make a snack or get a bervrage and let your dhilc mull over what has been said and catch his or her breat. When you come back perhaps there wil be a question or two. don’t be afreaid of the silence and give yoru child plenty of time to ask. If nothing is forth coming you may have to jsut enjoy your snack together and move on toother subjects and back into the flow of the day. Teh remembrance of this discussion should not be one of strain.
5.Leaving the Door Open When it is time to bring your chat to a close, don’t let things trail off. You and your kids will feel beter if everyone recognizes taht talking about sex is not an open and shut case. Your kids should come to believe that you are always willing to continue talking to them as questions arise and become more complex. Then wait a few weeks and informally ask them if any questions have surfaced since your chat. YOung people will not always w ant to talk to you about sex realted issues but you can put yourself into the mix by sharing with them appropriate reading amterial and other reliable adult sources for safe conversation. You may also want to gently share that ou know sex may get to be a very frequent topic of conversation among friends but that allowing their frineds to be their only or their best source of information means relying on people who don’t really know any more than they do and probably isn’t a good choice.
Talking to your kids about sex should be something that starts early and continues through adolescence and in some cases beyond. By building a comfort zone for conversation through honest, caring and respectful discussions you can have the kind of communication about this difficult topic that will keep your children safe and that after all is your goal. .
