Humorous Wedding Vows Vs. Disasterous Weddings, and Wedding Night Mockeries

Your wedding day – will you keep it traditional or go modern? Some weddings are flamboyant, zany or even a little wacky. It’s all up to you, because it’s your special day, and it should be a day you’ll treasure forever, and above all – -what YOU want, not a day where you’re rushed, bitched at by your whole family, snubbed by your soon-to-be-inlaws, and hounded for poses by some annoyingly intrusive, greedy photographer, which was my wedding day in a nutshell, and believe me I wasn’t laughing. Looking back, I wish I had opted for City Hall.

What was easy were the vows, but they were your standard, traditional, ordinary vows. The truth is, I didn’t have much time to put extra thought into the little details like our wedding vows, because we planned our wedding in 4 weeks, and it’s amazing the wedding ever took place under all the heavy strain. It’s just a litle bit of a downer when you spend so much money on something and the only thing that turned out right was the cake; Not to mention the fact I am probably the only bride in history who had 4 photo albums-did I mention the greedy photographer? Oh, yes, I did.

Let me add, I am a person who doesn’t believe in divorce, and I waited a little longer to get married than most people. I say I never believed in divorce, and I didn’t…..at least not until after I was married. (Just kidding, Honey.) My husband is really a wonderful man, and we have a great marriage; I am a very lucky woman. It’s a surprise our marriage is so great when our wedding was a complete nightmare.

I do feel that vows are important, and if you make the time to personalize your vows, you will create an even more significant, meaningful, and memorable wedding day. Why not add some dignified humor if you wish? And your options are boundless – literally, the sky is your limit. You don’t have to write a complete set of new vows for the two of you, unless you want. You can add something like this to traditional vows: “I promise do the dishes once a week,” or “I vow to split the difference on the thermostat,” as Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston did when they married. (Marty Blase from the website-(http://weddings.about.com/od/yourweddingceremony/a/SeussFunnyVows.htm.) If you log on to this site, you can read a delightful little wedding vow inspired by Dr. Suess. It is very cute!

Humor will not only put the bride and groom at ease, but it can be a wonderful ice-breaker for the bride and groom’s families. God knows a little humor would have been nice on my wedding day. The tension was horrible. No one spoke to each other once we got inside the church, the air-conditioner quit working, and we were all roasting. By the time I made it to the altar, I had worked up such a sweat that I looked like combination of Dee Snider and Chuck Connors. The candelabra caught fire, and the smoke detector went off. Like I said, a nightmare!

I remember thinking how I wish there was something I could say or do to lighten the mood, but my nerves were shot, and the day ended up being a near-disaster. I was actually glad when the whole ceremony was over. I could write more, but I’m afraid when my husband reads this, I’ll be in enough trouble as it is-but let me ask you this-did anyone else spend their wedding night at a go-kart track? Both of our families literally took over our wedding night and we wound up at a damn go-kart track! We should have told them to go to hell, but we didn’t, and paid the price. Let that be a lesson to you the next time you think you have to be nice! Remember, you do not have to be nice to selfish people, family or not, on your wedding day! Don’t let your wedding night become an unwanted family reunion just because you don’t want to hurt your relative’s feelings.

One comfort is, I can laugh at it, now…well, at least until I hear my friends reminiscing about their weddings in Bermuda, Jamaica, or Bora Bora. Then, the wounds become fresh all over again, and I want to kill.
They had servants, scenery, and great food at a posh, luxurious resorts; They went shopping, and visited spas. I got to stand in an infinite line that had to rival an army chow formation, then wear a smelly, sweat-stained seat belt while driving the slowest go-kart ever made. As my slip-shod go-kart labored sadly up the hill of the track in loud, rattling, jerking “poots” (for lack of a better word to call it) I got rear-ended by a fat, bearded man wearing a red bandanda doo-rag, adorned in a shirt that read “Who farted?” As he whizzed passed me along with everyone else on the track, he managed to accidently spit tobacco juice on my arm.

This was my wedding night, spent at the upscale Wild Woody Go-Kart Track, complete with laughing in-laws and nameless on-lookers. Memories are made of this?

Here’s the real irony: Oh, the bearded man did apologize, but not before letting the most nauseating, bellowing passing of gas I’ve ever had the misfortune to experience. “Oh Christ Lady!” He said, with all the sincerity he had, “I didn’t mean to sh** on you. My guts are just all f****** -up!” My God, what did I ever do? Where is Oprah when you really need her?

Oh, here’s a thought about weddings, kind of a morbid thought, but, the price of weddings keep going up all the time. Before long it will cost as much to get married as to get divorced, and usually if everything goes so terribly wrong, you want the divorce far more than you ever wanted the marriage. Just thought I’d throw that in for all the lovebirds. (Again, sorry, honey.) I have a feeling who the next person to be divorce will be…hmmm….

Here are just a few suggestions for putting some “wiseacre” humor in your vows, or use them as toasts at your reception. I’ll leave it up to you to decide if you think it is proper to use them in a church:

“Love, honor, and get laid…” This one is tacky, but my husband’s friends thought it must be included because they felt it “kind of makes you want to just skip from the ceremony and go straight to the honeymoon.”
“I promise to never leave the seat up, but wait, why should I put it down? Why can’t the woman lift it UP?”
“I promise to never gamble more that what you make.”
“Our love is unlike youth. It’s not wasted on the young.” (I Shoulda Said, William Roylance)
“Here’s to my cell-mate, I mean, soul-mate.”
“Wedding bells are gongs that tell the contestants to come out of their corners.” (I Shoulda Said, William Roylance)
“A wedding is the ceremony at which the sentence is pronounced. The trial follows.” (I Shoulda Said, William Roylance)
“Why do mothers always cry at the wedding when it should be the groom?”(I Shoulda Said, William Roylance)

If you feel your love is genuine, will stand the test of time, and you would die for your fiance, here are some suggestions for you. (Incidently, if you feel this way now, let me know how you feel about the person after about 5 years of marriage. You’ll find out exactly what I mean. )

“I believe in plural marriage – I want to marry you again and again.” (I Shoulda Said, William Roylance)
“There is an answer to prayer-you!” (I Shoulda Said, William Roylance)
“I can’t look at you and say I don’t believe in angels.” (I Shoulda Said, William Roylance)

I would like to close by saying, with all kidding aside, that for everyone who has found that special person to spend the rest of their life with, best wishes. I hope your life together is a happy as mine is with my sweetie. I hate to brag, but I happen to be married to the kindest, handsomest, sweetest man in the world. I hope to still be married after he reads this article.