Humpty Dumpty Retrospective

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. What a measurable way to spend your life! What kind of wall? What was the draw of this specific wall? I don’t see the fascination. Did he have a particularly good view? Some Neighborhood Watch post or something? What a nosy bastard! Get off your moral high horse, you damn Egghead. Incidentally, if your horse is high, that’s immoral – you shouldn’t be toking up with Mr. Ed. You can lead a horse to ganja, but the grass is always greener on the other side.

Remember that.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Yeah, and how was his winter, spring, and summer? Hell if I care! Of course he fell – he spends his eggsistence teetering at the top of some wall, tempting fate and mocking gravity. I’d have pushed his Dumpty Ass myself.

Great fall, landing – not so great.

I don’t think he understood the gravity of the situation. Look, maybe you think I’m being insensitive, but if some egg-shaped gentleman spends his days sitting at the top of some nondescript wall somewhere, he’s eventually going to eat some earth the hard way. All in all he’s just another prick on a wall.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again. Of course the horses couldn’t do shit – they were all high! What the hell is a horse going to do anyway? They have no thumbs! That’s why the long face.

Don’t the King’s men have better things to do than reconstructing some down on his luck egg? How do they know he didn’t jump? He spent all his time sitting up there, probably contemplating taking the plunge. All signs point to suicide. Besides, the King’s men aren’t even trained to do major reconstructive surgery! Maybe they were the first response unit. I don’t know. Shell of a mess though. The crowd of onlookers were shocked. Somebody yelled: “Yolk! Oh, oh no!”

I don’t know if Humpty had life insurance, though I would say probably not. The premium would be through the roof, being that he was constantly perched on the top of a wall. One minute your whole life is in front of you, the next you’re a sidewalk omelet. In the end, it was over easy – he died instantly. Yes, he did break-fast. That’s the only good news we could eggstract from this entire incident.