Illegal Livers
Crime? All gone. The gang problem? Non-existent. All of the homeless now have homes. There are no longer any people starving. There must be no one living in poverty. Everyone who needs a job must now have one. There is no more dirt or grime or anything dirty or nasty in this city.
This has to be the case, right? Why else would the entire city, the City Council and the Mayor’s office, right now, be embroiled in a debate overâÂ?¦foie gras. Yes, fatty goose livers are once again in the news. They are enough in the news that they were on the front page of every major newspaper in the city. The city is now embroiled in a battle over whether or not it is legal to serve GOOSE LIVER!
Ok, so, some background might be in order here. Apparently the way you get foie gras is by forcing ducks and geese to eat a lot of grain. In their earlier years you let them wander around a farm or something and just feed them a lot of grain. At some point, you then take the goose or duck and put them into some kind of cage. You grab their heads and shove a tube down their big, long necks and you use a funnel and some kind of plunger device to force the grain down their throats and into their stomachs. The excess grain causes the goose and duck livers to get excessively fatty and distended. So geese and ducks sort of waddle around with extremely distended bellies where their livers are. The ducks and geese are then slaughtered and their livers are used to make this pasty, buttery delicacy known as foie gras.
I guess it was earlier this year that some alderman on the Chicago City Council was petitioned by someone to ban the substance because it was cruel to the duckies and geese. I am betting it was alderman Ed Burke. He has the ward that covers most of downtown. He routinely comes up with ridiculous legislation that makes life in Chicago interesting to watch if not more interesting to live in. The fact that some of the most expensive and fancy restaurants are in his ward, I doubt would stop him. He’s the one who wants the fast food restaurants in Chicago to start using different oils and reduce their fat content. He’s the one who wants to legislate street musicians.
So, legislation was actually debated on the floor of the city council do debate making goose livers illegal in Chicago. I believe the actress who played “Hotlips” on the TV version of MASH showed up to talk to the council and talk about how horrible this is. Yes, they really pulled out the big guns here. When Hotlips shows up and pleads for the life of geese and ducks, you have to pass a law, am I right?
They passed a law. That law was supposed to go into effect this week. Then a bunch of area chefs got together, got themselves a lawyer, and have filed papers to declare the law unconstitutional or illegal, or something. Meanwhile, police are actually supposed to fine restaurants who serve the stuff. Most of the fancy-pants restaurants in this city are still serving the fatty livers. Authorities say they will only act against restaurants that they receive complaints against. So far, no one has complained so no one has been fined.
About two days ago the Sun-Times had a front page picture of some chef from some restaurant too expensive for me to ever eat at staring thoughtfully out of a window with his hand on his chin. The lawyer representing the various restaurants and chefs has been on television repeatedly talking about how unjust this is. Mayor Daley has also stepped up and, I think, he would agree with me that this is a ridiculous thing for the city to be spending time and money fighting with nine billion other things the city has to deal with.
Personally, I saw, the more geese you torture the better. OK, maybe I am not quite that cruel, but I do hate geese. My God, what awful creatures these things are. They are also the meanest SOBs you are likely to run across. Have you ever been hissed at by a goose as you simply try to walk from your car into the place where you work? Well, I have. Not long ago, I saw footage of a momma goose who had built a nest on the roof of a Toys R’ Us and was swooping down and attacking people as they tried to go in and out of the place. Not long ago it was thought that one communities water supply had been contaminated because of the amount of goose poop piled up in a grassy area near a major water supply are.
Have you ever walked into a parking lot and slipped on that nasty green poop that these vile creatures leave EVERYWHERE? Again, I have. I am not a big fan of geese. I think they may be the real immigration problem and, as I always suspected, they are Canadian. You can’t trust those Canadians. I bet these geese are some insidious plot by Canada to slowly destroy us so the Canadian can come in and take over the country with ease.
But, since the entire city government is spending oodles of tax payer cash to discuss, debate and deal with the issue of goose liver, it must stand to reason that they have solved every other problem in the city, right? They wouldn’t waste money on something stupid when there is still poverty, drugs, crime, joblessness, pollution and other problems to solve. A big city just wouldn’t do that.
Would they?
Bryan W. Alaspa’s third novel “Dust” is now available. It is a crime/suspense novel and is available at www.bryanalaspa.com and is now available at www.amazon.com!
