I’m All Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. I have one plant in my house and it refuses to die! I don’t even know what it is. A lily, maybe? A friend left it at my house because they felt that they couldn’t keep it alive. Now, five years later, I water it about once a month and it blossoms. The first time it bloomed, which was a year ago, I was surprised. I had no idea that this was a flowering plant!
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. My bed at my parents’ house is a twin. My bed at my college’s dorm was a twin. My last bed at my house was a full. That wasn’t going to fly in my personal life. I recently upgraded to a queen-sized mattress, and, five months later, I’m still thrilled that I have all this room to toss and turn!
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. The only alcohol-related item I have in my refrigerator is a bottle of margarita mix. I go shopping and it doesn’t even register that the store even sells alcohol!
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. Having a “real” job can put things in perspective. My friends, who fly by the seat of their pants, stay up late almost every night. They invite me over almost every night. I tell them that I’m too tired since I wake up early every morning. They respond by telling me that that’s when they pass out.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. I find it hard to enjoy listening to top 40 radio. My tastes have shifted to classic rock and oldies. These genres are very popular when it comes to inspiring muzak.
6. You watch the Weather Channel. Every morning I wonder, “What’s the weather going to be like?” It’s not just weather. It’s traffic, too. I want to make sure that I’m properly prepared for my commute to work and any inclement weather.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.” I have more than one friend who is a divorcee. I also have more than one friend who is married. I think I have one friend who is not married, divorced, or even in a relationship!
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. No more summer vacations for me. I have to schedule my time off and get it approved. I have to fill out paperwork and get it signed. It’s more difficult than asking around for someone to cover your shift.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.” I own two pairs of jeans. I own seven pairs of slacks. I have blazer jackets. I have several knee-length skirts. Compare those to my one mini-skirt.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those kids next door won’t turn down the stereo. I need my beauty sleep. I need to relax while reading my book. And the neighbors decide to have a keg party at 9:00 PM…which is my bedtime!
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. My aunts greeted me last summer by grabbing my breasts. My mother has recently found it necessary to inform me of her sex life before I was born. What’s so amazing is that I’m not phased by this at all.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. I haven’t even eaten at Taco Bell in months.
13. You feed your dog Nutro instead of McDonald’s leftovers. My dog eats as healthy as I do. I have no problem spending $35 on a 40-pound bag of all-natural dog food.
14. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. I’m actually considering getting a new couch that is more comfortable to sleep on just in case I fall asleep while watching CSI:.
15. You take naps. This I do usually on my uncomfortable couch. It’s not a power nap like I became accustomed to in college. You know, the 20-minute nap between classes. It lasts about an hour and I don’t even have to set an alarm because I actually trust my internal clock.
16. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. These nights tends to end with a goodnight hug or kiss. I’m smart enough to know that the date doesn’t have to cross someone’s door threshold to be successful.
17. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. I carry Tums and Pepto Bismol in my purse at all times. The thought of greasy, late-night food makes me uneasy. And the odds that I’d actually be awake at 3 AM are slim.
18. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. I actually have a first aid kit that contains more than aspirin, bandaids, and cough medicine. I realize that a cold isn’t always a cold. I find myself always prepared for any ailment.
19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.” I don’t go to the coolers in the back to pick up a box of white zinfandel or a cheap chardonnay. I now browse the racks and ask for help when choosing a wine to go with my meal.
20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. I’ve discovered the importance of breakfast. It keeps me going. Eating a late-night breakfast buffet or dining at Waffle House doesn’t sound as appetizing as when I was 21 and on my home from a bar.
21. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.” I’m usually satisfied with one or two glasses of wine per night. Notice I said wine. Not beer. Not Jack Daniels. Not Jello shots.
22. Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work! I even write off my home office on my taxes!
23. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. Sometimes, we don’t even make it to a bar to save even more money! I’d rather have drinks at my house than go to a smokey club with scantily-clad girls, predatory guys, and loud music I don’t know.
24. Bills, bills, bills. Turning 25 was awesome for insurance rates. Then I realized that I had a phone bill, a house bill, electricity, water, cable, internet, car payments and student loans.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Whose is it?” Going back to the married friends. No worries. No lying to the parents. It’s usually planned. And planning shows responsibility. Responsibility is a sign of adulthood.
