In Fetish We Trust
When last we spoke, we touched upon a subject near and dear to my heart. Yes, Pain, dear Fetishist. That which makes, breaks and excites us. Our last encounter examined merely the tip of the iceberg . For more in depth information, see The Deviant’s Dictionary .
This time around, we’ll taking a look at the one factor that must be present in every exchange of painful pleasure: Trust. Lack of trust, or the violation of such, can taint an encounter in dismal shades of frustration and anger. For this reason, it is suggested that no activity take place before both Sadist and Masochist are certain of the level of trust between them. Jay Wiseman expounds upon this quite well in SM 101: A Realistic Introduction . I recently discovered the treasure trove Mr. Wiseman provides, and encourage every Fetishist to at least consider taking a look at his work. Mr. Wiseman has a quarter century of experience in the BDSM community and his contributions are too many to list in this small corner of cyberspace.
I contacted Mr. Wiseman via Yahoo!Messenger. I found him quite comfortable to converse with. There was also an undercurrent of interest, at least from my side. It’s natural for a Fetishist to feel some attraction to others of the same ilk. We have so few outlets in the mainstream, that our sex drives tend to go on “starvation mode”. This happens when we are denied that “one thing” too long, and just any bang will do, so long as it satisfies that need.
But I digress. Back to the trust issue.
Such an element is presumed present in any given relationship. However, if one member has an interest in SM and the other doesn’t, stress upon the bounds of the relationship can occur. Broaching the subject to your lover can be the most courageous thing you ever do, but if the trust is there, asking her/him to grant you this favor should not be too much. On the other hand, if the answer is a resounding, *NO*, don’t despair.
Often refusal is based on misinformation or pure ignorance of just what you want. Expressing this may be more difficult for you, the Fetishist, than you think.
Simply saying, “Dear, would you mind terribly much if I spanked you/you spanked me during sex?” does not begin to convey the depth of your desire. Of course such a flip approach may be just what you need to break the ice.
Education is key here. The more you and they know, the more receptive they may be. Literature exists in this day and age to make explaining this particular need easier than it would have been a few decades ago. Make use of the knowledge that’s out there. Bring this to your lover with the express desire that they understand why you want this risque element intergrated into your love life, and you may be well on your way to restructuring the trust that brought you together to begin with.
The basis of any good relationship is trust. Violating this sacred bond will not serve either of your interests. Suddenly smacking your lover on the ass mid-coitus has a 50/50 chance of turning out well. More often than not, you will get incredibly lucky and she/he will love it and ask you to do it again. To my way of thinking, however, the odds aren’t nearly good enough to take such a chance. Rational, undemanding discussion without censure, pressure or judgment is the most honest and most rewarding path to sharing your pain fetish with the one you share your bed with.
The last thing you want to do is scare the daylights out of your lover. Some couples go through years of discontent and spend thousands on therapy just to find out all they had to do was talk to each other.
On one side, the Fetishist is panting to try something they’ve wanted for longer than they perhaps realize. On the other, the Partner, who may or may not share the interest or desire to go outside of the box. A fetish is more than simply changing positions. It could be as tame as wearing a lace teddy for him, or wearing a thong for her. Or it can be as wild as hanging suspended from the ceiling and being flogged senseless.
Once again, and I simply cannot say this enough…Knowledge is the key. If neither of you know what you’re doing, get educated! The information is available at your fingertips.
If you feel this partner may not be The One to go all out with, perhaps you should explore just how deeply the ties bind. If you find yourself seeking other partners to perform your cherished desire, a bit of self-examination may be required.
If speaking your need is too much, try writing a letter. When we write, we tend to put more thought into our words than we do when speaking. You can always erase, delete, or white-out something that just doesn’t come out right. You can’t unspeak, “Spank me! Bite me! Pull my hair!”
And there is where I must leave you, my dear Fetishist.
Till later�
Hope all your pains are a pleasure�
