In Loving Memory of Pluto the Planet

The overhauling decision was made by a group of 2,500 self-proclaimed nerds who call themselves the “International Astronomical Union” while meeting in the Czech Republic on Thursday. Due to their new guidelines that establish what actually constitutes a planet, Pluto just doesn’t make the galactic cut. The problem with Pluto? It’s orbit overlaps that of Neptune every once in a while. So now Pluto has been given the boot and demoted to the status of “dwarf planet.”

My personal feelings about this mammoth celestial disownment are strong. My arguments are not. But I still have many reasons why Pluto should be allowed to stay:

1. Pluto was the runt of the litter to begin with, always stuck at the tail end of our styrofoam-ball-and-metal-hanger models. It is the underdog in the real Star Wars.

2. The reasoning for kicking Pluto to the curb is not very strong in my book. Neptune needs it’s own personal space? Looks like someone never learned how to share.

3. Where else does Pluto have to go? It’s not like kicking it out of our solar system is going to make it disappear-it’s just going to keep on orbiting and mooching off of Neptune’s gravity no matter what we say. Quite the determined little bugger, it is. We can’t just ignore it like a visiting mother-in-law.

4. Pluto had the best name of all the planets. No other planet has a Disney character named after it. A couple of car names, perhaps, but we all know cartoon dogs are way cooler than an automobile any day.

5. If any planet was going to get demoted, it should have been Uranus based on phonetics alone. Even the most stifled of serious adults can’t stand having to call a planet “Uranus” with a straight face.

6. Maybe we just never gave Pluto a chance. It wasn’t even discovered until 1930 and we have given up on it so quickly. Perhaps this is all a commentary on our impatient society and demand for instant gratification. Think about it.

7. If Pluto does stay a “dwarf planet,” we will all have to repeat the second grade to re-learn the solar system. Someone will have to make up a whole new song, rhyme and pneumonic device for kids to remember the planets. And even though the thought of coloring pictures and having recess all day does seem great compared to the corporate world, I doubt any of us have time to repeat elementary school.

8. With the economy as bad as it is, the last thing we need is to have to spend money to go around rewiring every planetarium in the country to remove that extra twinkle on the far side of Neptune. I’m thinking of the nation as a whole, really.

9. And finally, exactly what is the “International Astronomical Union?” I’m pretty sure that’s just a cooler way of saying “Star Trek Convention.” And I’ll be darned if Trekkies are going to make the big decisions for my life.