Innocence Denied
The night air is so sharp it feels like my chest is being cut open with every breath I force myself to take. I wish I could cry. The tears might wash away the blood, but never the evil.
If only God hadn=t abandoned me here on this rock. They might still be alive. Annette and Karen would still be alive. What sin, oh God, did I commit? What sin demanded the sacrifice of my innocence?
The moon shines so brightly, it hurts my eyes and digs deep into my soul, or what=s left of my soul. The blood looks black under its accusing glare. On my gown, Annette=s, Karen=s and the babe’s blood judges me guilty. But, without God, how am I to be punished?
During the agony of birth, a child enters the world in a flood of water and, of course, blood. It is a blessing from God. When you kill a child that should be safe in the mother=s body, it, too, comes out in a gush of water and blood. But, Annette=s babe was cursed, not a blessing, but a curse.
Cursed by the stranger. The dark stranger brought here to work for my husband. Did you turn your face away from us the day he and my brother=s wife looked upon each other with carnal intent, oh my God?
Obedience. That is what is demanded of women. And, I have been obedient. My parents, I did not fight when they promised my life and my body to Jon, even though he was unattractive, and old. I believed that in obeying him, I also obeyed you, too, God. But, still your face turned from us.
Annette confided to me that she felt fear the first time she saw the dark man step foot onto our island. His muscles, black hair, brown skin all sent shivers through her body. Sensations that she never felt before invaded those private areas and dominated her every thought. Why did I not protect her that day? Was I jealous that he did not look at me in the same manner? As good, obedient women, you should have protected us, God. But, you left us. You left us to struggle in our sin and eventual damnation.
I found her crying not too long after. Her body belonged to my brother, not the dark man. But, she had lain with him, anyway. And, now she=s been punished. She gave away what she did not own to another. And, the babe? Who did it belong to, oh God? My fair-haired brother? Or, would it have entered the world as dark as the night sky to bring shame down on us all?
The child had to die. Are you listening, oh God? It had to die. And you, where was your help, oh mighty deity?
I had no choice but to turn to Satan for help. I found a midwife that honored demons rather than angels, to give me what I needed. Herbs for Annette to bleed out her babe. A tonic for my sister Karen to sleep through the evil we were delving into that black night.
Satan then brought the fog that stranded our men on the mainland. And, without you, God, I sacrificed my innocence on that bed. That bed that Annette had dishonored us all in, and in which I killed the child.
Ah, but Satan had also loosed its demons from Hell upon us. Annette=s life flowed out of her like a river. If only she hadn=t tried to get to one of the boats. I followed her trying to explain. But, she would not listen. It must have been one of Satan=s demons that put the axe in my hand. The axe that killed her and the babe at the same time. I struck at her belly over and over again. I stopped when my arm could no longer hold up the axe. She lay looking at me.
In Annette=s eyes, I saw a madwoman=s reflection. Then, I heard a scream. Karen was behind me. But, even if my ears couldn=t understand the words pouring forth from her mouth, my entire being knew I had to stop them from being uttered.
Again, I had no choice. Karen was running to the house. I followed taking off my head scarf. Coming up behind her in the kitchen, I wrapped it around her neck. She fell onto the floor. I had to stop the screaming. I squeezed and squeezed until she lay limp. But, finally, all was quiet. The only sound was the teakettle. It whistled at me, and in my insanity, I poured a cup for myself.
Annette, I dragged back into the house and covered her face so her eyes could no longer accuse me. Karen, I left alone. Now, it=s just me and this rock. Water and blood. That=s all that is left. I know you can no longer look at your daughter, oh Lord. I am too full of sin. Sin that had to be. Sin that I sacrificed my innocence to.
The dawn is coming. The sun is chasing away the demon fog to reveal me and my deeds. My husband will be back soon. And, my brother, too. Only, neither will have a wife to greet them. Oh, I am not going to Hell, yet. But, the obedient woman my Jon left has died. I am a creature that is not bound by God=s laws, anymore. When they ask… I will lie. I will use my womanly gift of tears.
But, only in part will my words be false. The loss of my innocence is the truth. And, so are the water and blood.
