Introducing Joe Cullen: Best NFL Coach Ever?
“Detroit Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen has encountered legal trouble for, among other things, allegedly driving without clothes.
Cullen, who was hired by first-year head coach Rod Marinelli to coach the team’s defensive line, has been arrested twice in the past two weeks. The first arrest, on Aug. 24, was for alleged indecent and obscene conduct. The second, on Sept. 1, was for alleged drunk driving. Both occurred in Dearborn, Mich. According to a report in the Detroit Free Press, a Wendy’s drive-thru worker called police after Cullen allegedly pulled his SUV to the window and picked up an order while naked.
“The suspect did nothing obscene, other than being naked at the drive-thru,” the worker told Dearborn officers after the late-night incident on Aug. 24, according to the Free Press. The drive-thru worker recalled to the Free Press that Cullen’s order as a single combo: burger, fries and a drink. Cullen did not respond to a Free Press reporter’s request for a comment, but later issued a statement through the team. “I would like to apologize to the Detroit Lions organization, our fans, my family and friends for any embarrassment these incidents have caused. These incidents represent a mistake in judgment on my part. I deeply regret them and have learned a valuable lesson. It won’t happen again.”
In the nude-driving incident, the description on the police ticket read “driving on a public street without any clothes on. (NUDE).” In the drunk-driving incident, Cullen’s blood-alcohol level was reportedly 0.12, above the Michigan legal limit of .08.
Cullen has coached at the collegiate level at Illinois, Indiana, Memphis, Mississippi, Richmond, Louisiana State, and Massachusetts. He was fired from the Mississippi gig after an alcohol-related incident at a restaurant.
“We are obviously very disappointed,” said Lions president Matt Millen. “These are very serious matters that will be handled sternly and appropriately by our organization. Coach Cullen requested immediate help in seeking treatment. That assistance has been provided and a comprehensive, private program has been established for him.”” -FOXSPorts.com
Wow, am I overreacting or is that the best story you’ve ever read? Let’s create a premise, or I should say, let me create a premisesâÂ?¦ I’d like to ignore the obvious “Holy shit, that guy has one of the worst drinking problems that I’ve ever seen” conversation, as well as the “How can you make light of a guy with a disease” talk. Let’s just forget that stuff. It’s not that I disagree with it, but how often do you get to comment on an NFL coach who gets blitzed and drives to Wendy’sâÂ?¦naked?
This is just too good from a comedic standpoint for us to get caught up with things like “journalistic integrity” or questions like “am I going to hell?” This is a primetime, take your shots, piÃ?±ata of fun and I feel like a whiffleball bat or a broomstick or whatever, you get the idea. (On a side note, what’s the etiquette for piÃ?±ata hitting? What’s you weapon of choice?) So here goes, Mr. Joe Cullen, prepare for the worstâÂ?¦
-First off, how does this guy still have a job? He was arrested TWICE in TWO weeks? If this was a player, or at least a middle of the road player, he would have been cut after the first incident. Take the Vikings’ Koren Robinson, a guy who had the exact same M.O. He had a fairly long history of alcohol abuse and, after allegedly staying clean for well over a year, he falls off the wagon just once and he’s hung out to dry. How is this fair? Since when did defensive line coaches take precedent over talented wide-outs in the NFL?
-I love the Wendy girl’s reaction. “The suspect did nothing obsceneâÂ?¦except being naked at the drive-thru,” she said. Hot damn, sign her up. What comedic timing. I don’t know if the author took liberties with that quote or if that was truly the deadpan reaction of a Wendy’s employee. I pray it was the latter.
-Finally, we have definitive proof; Matt Millen can’t do ANYTHING right. Just when you think that the man who has turned a once proud franchise into the laughing stock of the NFL could do no worse, here comes the Joe Cullen incident. I guess he’s too busy planning ways to stop disgruntled fans from sneaking “FIRE MILLEN” signs into the stadium to properly handle situations like this. Makes sense.
-Did I mention, that NFL Coach Joe Cullen was arrested for picking up food at Wendy’sâÂ?¦naked?
-Seriously, have you thought about the logistics of this scenario? Cullen is sitting at home, apparently naked, just drinking his face off. And then it hits him: “Hey, I’m hungry.” So he hops in his car and goes to Wendy’s in the nude. Or, perhaps it was even sicker; maybe it happened like this: Joe Cullen’s sitting at home, binge drinking like a motherfucker when he decides he wants a snack. Maybe, just maybe, he’s so fucked up that he thinks it’s a good idea to driver to Wendy’s without any clothes on. So Cullen disrobes specifically for the fast food run. Which scenario is funnier?
