Introducing Your Same-sex Partner to Your Family

Those fears – for same-sex couples – are more than exponentially-compounded. I should know, I’ve done it. I’ll never forget Mother’s Day 2005. My 64-year-old partner, Jim, cooked dinner. (I was 29.)

We hosted my 87-year-old great-grandmother, who raised me. I’d already come out to her. She hadn’t taken it well. Through tears – then – she’d asked whether she’d done something wrong. But that day, she had this strange peace. My grandma could see I loved Jim and he loved me. While we didn’t hide our feelings, we didn’t flaunt them.

You can still be a proud, gay or lesbian couple without shouting it from the rooftops. Some relatives will never accept your relationship. But don’t risk alienating possible allies with over-the-top behavior. Dialing it down a notch may make you feel like you’re selling out. But you are selling something – your relationship and partner.

While you might have perfected the “I don’t give a damn” attitude, on some level you do care what your family thinks. Or, you wouldn’t be introducing Jim or Carol to your Uncle Carl – a preacher more conservative than Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell. Putting your partner and family in the same room is sufficient. Don’t try to prove you’re a same-sex couple. Even the most dim-witted will get the picture.

Once you’ve made the “definitive” family introduction, try to attend a less serious family function. That’s usually where people are most like themselves. Let your hair down. Act like it’s a test. The first time they met your partner, there might have been forced politeness. Be your true selves and gauge their reaction.

You’ll see their true colors then. Who knows, you might even see a rainbow. If you don’t, have fun anyway. My partner and I brought my grandma to the family reunion one year. Despite the fact that many of my relatives got my last nerve before I came out, going to the reunion as coupled, gay man was wonderful.

That’s when Jim and I politely thumbed my nose at them. A friend (with whom I’d attended church and was now dating my cousin) was unaware I was gay or coupled. The exchange went like this:

“I’m playing for the other team,” I said.

Just then, Jim walked by.

“I’m the other team,” he said.

Like coming out, introducing your partner to the family is a gradual process. While your detractors will, most likely, be up front about their disdain, possible allies could just be nervous and apprehensive. Be conscious of who the detractors and possible allies. Those potential allies are almost like undecided voters. Treat them as such.

No we shouldn’t have to campaign for approval or equality. But the world is filled with things we shouldn’t have to do or just plain don’t want to do. That’s reality. Don’t deny your truth, but don’t demand everyone embrace and accept it.

People led to the truth usually have an easier time accepting it. Of course, that doesn’t mean they will. But it’s a start. Here’s to potentially happy family introductions and relationships.